Chloe's Not An Angel

Chloe's Not An Angel Jul 2018

I feel this pain
And capture it
But I still can't let it go,
And it hurts in my chest
No matter how many times,
I catch my breath

Where were you then,
Where are you now?
I want to erase this past,
And start all again
So it can be
Just how I wish it was.

Maybe if you just found me a little bit sooner,
It might feel better
Than it does right now,
Except you still haven't found me,
And I don't think you're even
Looking.
Am I supposed to be hoping,
You know nothing about me
At all?

#absent #father #daughter

Chloe's Not An Angel Jul 2018

Too Scared To Go Through With It

Truth be told
I'm terrorised with fear,
Because I'm not about to get a father,
I know I'll get a nightmare.
I don't want to enter the place, again,
Where I wish I could go back to my dreams,
To try to make it all better,
Because the reality will be painfully in front of me
And I'll never be able to make it disappear.

#dna #tests #rejection #maladaptive #daydreaming #fear #absent

Jul 2018

Andrew Durst

I fall in love.

My death will be liberating.

And I do not say that in the sense
that I am going to find a cliff
and take a good jump off.

No.

I am just trying to find a
clever way to tell you

that I do not know what is going
to happen next.

You see,

there is a
fine line
between
dreaming and
mortality

and

I am finding out for myself
that being in love
does not always
involve

being awake.

And for my sake
I fall in love with daydreams,
nightmares,
hazy realities
and

the hung-over idea

of not being enough.

It is all out of my hands.
It is all out of time.

And the only thing I have left to do,
now,

is decide.

Thank you to anyone that reads this.

Chloe's Not An Angel Jul 2018

Losing A Lifetime

His loved ones wait,
Praying and hoping for his pain to be comforted and relieved.
Yet they don't want to say goodbye,
He's not sure he's ready to leave this world,
With so much left to do,
So many more decades of life left to be lived and savoured.
Too young to be taken,
From their loving arms,
They stay by his side and watch
As he slowly elapsed into nothing.

Fiction: not derived from personal experience.

#death

Chloe's Not An Angel Jul 2018

Already Arising

Supervening once again,
I'm agitated, unsettled,
Suspecting to be taken by it:
The madness, insanity, instability
But -
Mostly just the hurt,
And wonder, discomfort from the lacking.

It steals me
Yet I can never take ahold of it,
It leaves me confused, crying and abandoned once more,
It never resists,
Success this has against me
As I am held hostage.

Where am I?
In my mind which I can't empty.
I guess at least,
This way I'm inflicting this sorrow on myself,
So in a twisted way I'm in control,
Except I'm not:

Because I don't always want to run and hide -
Well actually I do, most of the time,
But I want this to be true
Or to be capable of staying in reality.
What I'm doing is a messed up thing,
Because whilst escaping real life I bring those painful situations,
Back into my world of comfort,
Just so I can battle with them some more.

If this is some type of war,
I think I'll die fighting,
And no one will be winning,
As I'm the only enemy.

#mdd #maladaptive #daydreaming

Jun 2018

Abdullateef Moshood

Don't Fall in Love with Me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason
And I just stare at the ceiling
Senseless thought running around my mind like phrase
With tears streaming down my face.

Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone.
I just bury myself on my mattress
And think about how I became this mess of sadness.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you
And I will cry myself to sleep
If you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep
I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much.
I will depend on you.
I need attention, much more than other people.
I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one.
I’ll write poems about you and open up notepad at 2 A.M.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor
Shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists.
I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you,
Every bit of love, until I have nothing to give.
Until I become completely empty.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head
When I hate myself so much that I want to die.
Your words will be the only things that make me stay.

Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear.
You won’t be able to leave me,
Because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay.
You’re my reason now.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you

#love #adore #no

Chloe's Not An Angel Jun 2018

One Sided Conversations In The Dark

"I must admit I've really missed you."
She whispers, speaking to her imagination.
A lonely room, a quiet girl
And a world full of wonderland.

"Why can't you be here, please?" She sobs secretly into her pillow,
Tempted to ask God if the sorrow will ever end,
Will it go away?
Her nightly prayers she saves for other questions.

"I really need you." She confesses,
But she's talking to herself.

#maladaptive #daydreaming #awareness