I never knew touching like that was a thing
It felt disgusting
It still does
I still remember it way too clearly
I was 5
It still haunts the f**k out of me
Never had the courage to tell anyone abt it
But I can still feel his hands on me
Touching me
But I couldn't do anything
I was helpless
still am
Didn't know anything abt it
Didn't know how to react
After all this I live in the same house
Acting like i don't remember it
While I feel his hand all over me every  second

How can they  pretend like nothing happened...
Like they never said they regret giving birth to me
Like it never happened
But im crying every night
Till I can't breath
Cursing my existence
Blaming myself for everything
How do I tell them
Their words are killing me every second
How do I tell me
I force a stupid smile ever time I'm abt to cry
How do I tell them
They destroyed me in every possible way

I still remember his hands on me
Touching me everywhere
Everywhere he shouldn't
I still live under the same roof as him
Acting like it never happened
Acting like a loving family
But still I feel his hands on me
I told my mom
She knew everything
Yet nothing ever happened
Yet I sleep crying cuz I feel his hands on me

But never noticed me crying
Never noticed my hands trembling
Never noticed me getting distant from them
Never noticed i tried to **** myself
Never noticed I had no friends
Never noticed the things I like
Never noticed I needed their love
Never noticed my unsteady breathes
Never noticed my voice trembling
Never noticed my tear stained eyes
Never noticed my body flinch at shouts
Never noticed my efforts to love them
And they say they care....

Maybe I'm just,
Pretty enough to be "Flirted with",
But never considered for
"Something real"..

Pretty enough to be "Admired",
But never "Seen as the one"

Pretty enough to be "noticed",
But never "pursued passionately"

Pretty enough to be an "option",
But never the "only choice"

Pretty enough to be "wanted",
But never "worthy of commitment"

Pretty enough to be "liked"
But never enough"to be loved"

I live in a house with
doors and windows
Its not exactly the best place
It has walls
Not love
It has those soft muffles after crying
Stained red eyes
But no one to care to listen what happened
Its hard to have a normal conversation in this house
Every conversation turns in big fights
No one to console
It became worse than before
The nagging were more hurtful now
I started to care
when i told myself it'll hurt me more
And it did
They don't know
their daughter is the most happiest
when she is far away from this so called home