the winter caged my soul and held it close
closer than any boy has ever held me
we watch the snowflakes falling softly on the concrete
our town is smoke and evergreen
worn down flannels and pulled up hoods
it's in our blood to endure this kind of cold
to fight these kinds of fights
to find the light in the darkness when the sun sets at 5 pm and we start to wonder if we had ever felt the sun before
our footsteps in the snow are like the words of a poem, delicate messages that linger on
the winter strangles me with the scarf that i wear
my mittens turn to handcuffs
and i cry underneath the ice
waiting for a sunbeam, a bloom of lavender, any sort of promise

why would you play a game with no instructions
why would you love a girl made of porcelain
why is it easy for me to take off my clothes
for a boy who never cared
but so hard to tear down my walls
for a boy who might
why is it so hard for me to say that i love the way you tap your feet
but so easy for me to say how scared I am that you might hurt me
why do i keep seeing shadows on the wall
shadows of a young girl running across the grass;
not because she's happy
but because she's being chased
why do benevolence and malevolence sound so different when i'm all alone
but sound the same when i'm being held in someones arms
john keats wrote something about joy and pain being equally blinding
why can i relate to those words
more than i can relate to other people

will someone please tell me

Have you ever died with your heart still beating?

i want to be held the way our galaxy holds the earth
there once was a boy that held me how the sky holds a sunset orange
beautifully
but temporarily
i painted his edges in soft watercolors, wrote his mistakes in gentle calligraphy, made something hurtful turn into something healing
he loved her more
and let me go
and now i find myself looking at someone else from the corner of my eyes, wondering if a tiny, flickering feeling can be valid at all among the fire of my others
i hear a requiem for a dream and my heart flutters like it did two years ago
two years
i want to be held like the galaxy holds the sun, the stars, the earth,
in a delicate orbit
a bright light in dark space

she gave up god but kept the angels

those beautiful boys with dandelion hearts and delicate wrists

the ones who made her heart shed light even when it was sundered

the boys who kissed her hands when they bled with words

when she played the piano song and they danced around the evergreen trees only to be pricked by pine needle swords

their wounds all healed, every single one, but the scars are still there and they look like sun rooms and roses and spilled tea

she kissed their foreheads when the night came and they all fell from the sky, with an images of heaven reflecting in their eyes

they were all angels without the divine

we have drifted apart like sheets of ice but now its colder than ever and i need you back

i used to wrap you up in scarves
your smile was as bright as the songs about light we used to sing
the grass was tall and our knees were bare and i kissed you on a fallen log
i had never seen the sky so sunny
and my heart had never felt as warm
i want to fall back upon those days and bask in their sun
when the autumn came and i held your gloved hand in mind and the ice upon our feet whispered tiny 'i love you's
i could have held you forever
i want to sit on your kitchen counter while you make tea, while your green eyes watch me, the way they never watch me anymore when we exchange a glance in the narrow halls
let me hold you again