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Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
I hate how I'm wrapped around your finger
It's beginning to take a toll
****** into your vacuum
Like you're a ******* hole

Fantasies won't be fulfilled
I love to daydream anyway
Like a bad habit I can't seem to drop
I crave you every single day

Yes I know it's pointless
And only makes wounds bleed
But I can't get over the notion
That I am who you truly need

I smoke a bowl of Mary Jane
These days she's my only friend
Giving me comfort when it gets hard
But still it doesn't help me mend

It's like earth is set on torturing me
Because everywhere I look
I see pieces of what we had
In each cranny and every nook

And you'll come back to haunt me
Emptiness what I hate the most
Wish that I knew how to move on
Exorcise your residual ghost

It's difficult to accept this is real
Give up on all our wasted plans
It's good to hear you are happy
Don't know why I give a ****

I'm tumbling downhill at dangerous speeds
Headed straight for hell
I'm sure that you won't catch me
You're the reason that I fell

I wake up with a headache
Medicate as soon as my day starts
This bottle of ibuprofen
Doesn't soothe pain in my heart

I find my will getting weaker
But conceal emotions inside
And you know the moment's inevitable
When my feelings grow too strong to hide

I try to maintain composure
But my organs burn with dismay
It's only a matter of time
Til I admit I'm not okay
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
I knew it would not last forever
But the future was unseen
Watched it slip out of our grasp
Before we could intervene

Season after season is passing
Golden transforms to white
Misty mornings exchanged for snow
While I wait to feel alright

Rose up through the ashes
But my heart's still burned and charred
And fear has formed an armor around
Every place it has been scarred

I search for symbols on my body
Yearn for meaning to be revealed
To understand length of our relationship
Yet answers all remain concealed

Shoulder the weight of rejection
Through time though tough to carry
Heaviness a consistent warning
That of intimacy to be wary

Like a little alarm silently blaring
Begging me to stay alone
Prioritizing safety over company
Love is hell unlike anything I've ever known

Portal straight to madness
No one is exempt
So if you want your sanity intact
Don't bother making an attempt

Desire turns willpower to vapor
As you steadily lose control
Until you cannot function in their absence
Need their affection to even feel whole

But when the flashes of electricity
Vanish from your partner's skin
But for you are stronger than ever
That's when the real torture begins

Color disappears from sight
The whole planet fading to grey
Happiness drained from all you touch
As you desperately clutch onto yesterday

Now waking up is a daunting task
Try to avoid facing reality
Solitude stings like a salted wound
Haunted by what we will never be

Then I stumble across your photo
For a moment don't feel so sad
As nostalgia rushes over me
I escape briefly into the love we once had

I close my eyes and block out the hurt
Memory tasting bittersweet
And when I finally open them
Feels like I'm falling to my feet

Desolation has become my home
Misery my only friend
I've learned the hard way caring is pain
So I swear I'll never care again
I used to care too much, and it destroyed me. So now I don't care for much at all. I work in extremes like that..
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
You say you are no longer with that girl
But I'm not sure that's really true
I am yours unconditionally
For a little while you were mine too

But hidden under the surface
Were sickening secrets held back
Yet had too many stories and alibis
For me to be able to keep track

Our future dangled from a thread
Swinging from your careless fingertips
But you chose to walk a different road
Out of your grasp my whole world slipped

I don't know when your feelings shifted
Glimmer in your eyes remains the same
Except now it disappears when we talk
Until you bring up her name
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
On lonely frigid nights I can't help but cry myself to sleep
Though I know you are not worth these wasted tears I weep
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
A sky of blue above
Miles of dirt below
A world of everything between
Beyond that?
I don't know

One foot in front of the other
I stumble through existence
When I began I never imagined
I would travel such a distance

Caring too much about the wrong things
Not enough about what I should
Mixed up from every angle
Feel bad but am told I'm good

Friends fade further from me
As the years steal memories
Moments indistinct and grey
Wishing I could make time freeze

Take me back to certainty
Before life got so off track
When the world was full of color
Instead of shades of black

Now depression is my ball and chain
Following wherever I go
Heavy and awkward to carry
Have no choice but move slow

It is easier to just stand still
Than to pull with all my might
So everything changes around me
While I waste away night after night

I see smiles on faces all around
But when I paint one to match
It just doesn't look the same
And it wills me to detach

Hope used to sit in the palm of my hand
Now I grab and it's not there
In it's place is a sticky substance
I've come to learn is despair

Fall apart over and over
Every time I manage to sew my seams
Doesn't take long for a stitch to break
And out pours joy in little streams

Until I am left deflated and empty
Wondering where I went wrong
I could conquer my misery
But I've found I'm not that strong

Wading through a sea of distress
Shore further with each crashing wave
So I carry on way over my head
Too deep for anyone else to save
I'm a good swimmer but my arms are getting tired
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2021
Dear heart,

Why is it taking so long to heal?
How come pain is the only emotion you feel?
Deeply yearn to feel whole once more
Happy like I was before
I write my issues to soothe my stress
But it doesn't matter how much I confess
Person after person waltzes into my life
Then with no warning cuts our tether with a knife
While I watch frozen as if in a trance
Fed up with those who don't bother to give me a chance
I am dedicated and gentle towards who I care about the most
Yet cannot prove it because no one dares to get close
Of course know everything happens for a reason
But ponder what it is as I wait season after season
I am grateful you are still here despite being shattered
Taken many beatings that have left you bruised and battered
I try to find something to replace the emptiness inside of you
But that's the type of thing that is easier to say than do
And every time I am tempted to kiss remaining hope goodbye
Your stubborn voice reminds to give it one more try
I admit that sometimes I wish you would stop speaking
But despite my requests you carry on beating
On the wings of hope my negativity lifts
The rhythm you keep in time surely shifts
From a suffering slow thump
Feeble and weak
To an even-paced pound proving impressive technique
Allowing love to enter as you open up wide
Warming my being completely inside
Pain and sorrow still inhabit my soul
But I sense they are beginning to relinquish control
Life has a lot of good to balance out the bad
You are helping me see that I can overcome what makes me sad
Every small blessing you bring to my attention
Miracles that before were beyond comprehension
So this is to say thank you for opening my eyes so I can see
The beauty that surrounded all along
I'm forever grateful heart

Love,
Me
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