There she sat
Perfectly comfortable with her legs crossed and a cup of coffee beside her
The sunlight bounced through the frames of her glasses and onto the paper of the book she was reading
She was the image of peace
Blue jeans
Red shirt
Brown hair
Pink glasses

Hi, I’m a loud 19 year old self conscious mess who eats a little too much when I’m sad
When I tell you I don’t feel good I mean the storm clouds have rolled in and taken place up in my mind and the tides are washing up over the shore that is my eyes.

When I say don’t get to close it means that I’m too scared to tell you everything I’ve been through right now,
some of the darkness that lives inside of my heart is yet to be explored and tonight that expedition won’t go well.
I’m not sure you want to see all the shades of blue that I've become,
not sure if you’ll look at me the same when you hear the stories I have to tell
so please don’t get too close.

I get embarrassed when people talk too loud in public
don’t ask me why i can’t tell you
I’m a girl who sometimes would rather stay in the confinement of my own self doubt than take one step outside because the anxiety that washes over me when I make eye contact with a stranger makes me want to melt to the ground and sink back into the earth.

I like green tea
I like boys with long hair and  girls with soft smiles,
If I seem a little shy don’t worry that just the voice inside my head telling me how stupid I sound when I laugh

My name is baby in french and that’s pretty funny cause I have a tendency to feel too much
in fact when I cry my dad loves to point out that I’m not in acting class anymore. Well dad that’s a fun fact but I still feel like my heart is exploding so I’m gonna go disappear now.

I’m a 19 year old girl who has seen more panic attacks than flowers and feels more self doubt with my back to a stranger than looking  in the mirror
and Yes I probably feel too much but that's hardly a issue right now.

Being alone
Cold summer showers
Clean shaven legs
Falling asleep
Feeling validated
Feeling loved
Finishing a good book
Feeling the cold wind run through your hair down your spine
Hot baths after a hard day
Silence
The warm sun on your skin
The smell of rain
The first sip of coffee
The sound of trees in the wind

When I see a woman read a menu like it’s a investigation report I get sad
They search for calorie content and carb counts
Is it gluten free?
Keto?
Paleo?
Elimination friendly?
I think of how unhappy they must be to put themselves through that
comatose your body to numb your mind
It breaks my heart to see little girls excited to go on diets
Boy’s only love skinny girls
That’s a fact
The hunger that rages in their hearts is too much to bar
No one wants to watch a live stream of a woman crying because she is starving herself
Screaming because she gained it all back
People don’t like pictures of women embracing their bodies
That kind of feminism isn’t welcome here
People want detox teas and cream’s that hide stretch marks
Apps for cheat days and tracking charts
Eliminate this to get that
Love is for the thin we all know it
Run this far to reach your dreams
They call it skinny love for a reason
It’s never enough
Just a taste

I like my empty bed
There is more space for me here than there ever was for your baggage
Rolling over is a gift and I am the lonesome recipient
Waking up with the sunshine peeking through the window and the robins singing I am reminded how beautiful stillness can be
Lonely does not equal sad
Alone does not equal lonely
That’s what you forgot when you left

The sound of music contorts by body in ways that are not weighed down by fear
I feel like the embodiment of joy

It’s 2pm
I wish I was standing in the middle of a forest staring up at the sunshine peeking through the trees
Speckles of light shining on my face
I want to stand there barefoot with the grass between my toes and the earth beneath my feet
At 3pm I will lie down in the soft grass and watch the sun begin to set until all I can see are the stars
At 4pm I will fall asleep to the smell of flowers and the sound of the wind
until tomorrow

I saw you today.
I imagined walking up to you
I thought about what I might say
But I didn’t
I get nervous around you

So I’m telling you now

You hurt me
More than you know
You
Were
My
First
I thought the world of you
That the universe finally sent me someone to call home
Instead of giving me blessing it taught me a lesson
You
Never
Know
Who
Someone
Truly
Is

The boy I thought about for days on end
Talked to all the time
Imagined holding
Had a love already
But never said a thing
The happy butterflies that swarmed in my chest at the sight of you
Turned grey and faded to dust and with it
My
Love
For
You

When I want to be seen
I want the world to turn it’s head and admire me all at once,
Bask in my glow and worship every inch of me.
I am sculpted from marble and ivory,
Every inch of my skin is precious
I shine in the sunlight like church windows on sunday.

When I want to be invisible every glance feels like a knife in my back,
eyes like daggers
ordinary bystanders morph into hallway critics
Clipboards out pens at the ready
A special page to circle my flaws
highlight my insecurities
underline my fears
I am all at once vulnerable in a place where vulnerability is a very dangerous thing to be.

When the fat vegan says she’s a vegan no one believes her
People offer her chocolate to see if she’ll crack
Fat and vegan aren’t words that coincide
It’s like a pancake covered in hot sauce
Unnatural

When the fat vegan walks into the grocery store to buy some produce people think good she needs it
But fat vegan doesn’t feel fat
She likes her shirt tucked in
Sleeves short
Shorts on
The fat vegan loves apple slices and kale salad long showers and a purple lipstick.

Fat vegan eats what she likes
She feels dainty and light
Finally small
Rightfully at home in a sweatshirt
Fat vegan floats through the world as the woman she longs to resemble
But on the inside
Reality creeps back in front of her only in a side glance in a window,
A judgment from a stranger.

Fat vegan has been taught to fit in not stretch out taking up more space is selfish being loud is obnoxious living a magnificent life is too loud
But fat vegan dreams of endless love and long walks  
She finally learns what love means
Being happy on the inside defiant of the world
She knows how strong she is so she continues to float through the world
A
fat
Happy
vegan

A man I don’t know walks up to me at work and hands me a bible, says he’s been watching me, that I look like I could use some help and that I seem upset all the time.

Maybe I'm upset because

At work a man tells me getting high will relax me before *** that it will "make it easier"
A man calls me sugar **** while I walk  to the bathroom
A man follows me to the bus stop and asked for a smile
My uneasy eyes a neon invitation for a catcall
“A woman’s work is never done” whispered to me in the produce section of a grocery store
While I walk to go on my lunch break a man asks if I will f*ck his friend “ You can eat him!”
What’s your name?
I like your hair
What are you reading?
Can I sit here?
You got a boyfriend?
I can bang you straight
Do you need help with that?

I don’t need help from a man when a man is my biggest issue, not even god could fix this.

He makes me feel good,
When he comes to talk to me because he likes my stories and our secret handshake.
A twisted sadness lives in my belly, it ties itself tightly around my heart contracting my breathing making my face turn a rosy red
No matter how much I try to make it stop I can feel it burning my cheeks.  
I’ve never been anyone’s first priority
Never once have I sat across the table from someone and had them look at me and not my plate.
I am so happy you love someone the way you do
The way I’ve dreamt of forever
A thoughtful tender love that puts every sunset to shame
You love her the way I love you.

one day
i want to
drift
so far into space that i can no longer see my
home
i want to be so
lost
that no one remembers what i've done
in
the
cold
dark
nothingness
i want to experience                                                                                
                                                     Life.

Once I wished I was was bird
Black and blue
I wanted to fly across the world and build a new life
I dreamt of letting the wind sweep me away carrying me wherever it wanted
In my dream I was wild and soft
My will was the only reason my feet ever touched the ground
The days were warm and I was free from worry

I still wish I was a bird sometimes, only now I want to fly to the tops of mountains and look out at the world in wonder.

One day you will wake up and you won’t be able to recognize yourself
All the years of worry will fall before your feet
You will be liberated from your fear
You will stand in front of a window and instead of worrying about who may look in you will see the beautiful world before your eyes
I hope when this day comes you are ready to embrace it for the opportunity that it is
A chance to start fresh no strings attached it can be whatever you need it to be.

There’s a sign that hangs so far above my head my tunnel vision can’t locate it’s off switch
A glowing neon sign
OPEN 24/7
People are encouraged to
Come in
Get comfortable
Stay a while
Help yourself to whatever your claws can grasp
Leave when you want it’s nothing serious

the neon colours shine so bright I’m blinded

Can you help me they ask

I try until I’m undone

Sometimes,
my heart is so hungry I wonder if anyone will be enough to fill me up
It’s a hollow hunger that lingers in my dreams like coals that still burn long after a fire dies.

One thing you should know before you lead someone on
They will remember how they felt when you let them down
The way you feel before the roller coaster drops
Excitement
Hope
Fear
They fall until they hit bottom
It’s my fault
I’m stupid for trusting them
I thought they were sweet
When you play with someone’s heart it never goes away in their mind.
Remember that.

It has been my honour to be loved by you

A tailspin of chaos
I am always in motion
Heart
Mind
Sprit
Whirling so fast my bones leap and bound
I have no interest in stopping
One must be quick if one wants to expand like I do

I wait
Poised and ready for love
But love does not come
Not the safe kind anyways
Books and movies set such high standards people stop trying at all.
Boys speak pretty words when they want
something from you,
Girls scream when they want nothing at all.

They say love will find you when you stop looking
So I stop looking
5
10
20
minutes go by
I stop stopping.
Life is more beautiful looking through the eyes of a dreamer
When love is on the brain a smile is a hello and a thank you means see you soon

Love changes the way food tastes and alters perspectives entirely.
I choose to wait
To wait for love, and in the mean time I will view the world through these eyes of mine
Seeing kindness and hope in all things.