For Elijah
Who saw me as just another teenage girl
Whom he thought he could fix
After he unknowingly broke me

For Luke
Who was always too sweet to me
And didn't tell me until a year and a half later
That he only saw me as a sister

For Eric 1
Who shared his music with me
And started dating M
Before I could tell him

For Rusty
Who stabbed me in the back
With help from F
When neither of them were aware that they were holding knives

For Eric 2
Who reminded me of Rusty
And maybe that's the only reason
But who respected me without hesitation

For Cam
Who has a reputation of being nice
Who is problematic at times
And can't seem to leave my head

If only they knew
That the girl that makes them laugh
Cries herself to sleep
Every.  Single.  Night

If only they knew
Within those quick words
Is a cry for help
But it seems like everyone is deaf or just plain oblivious

It turns out silence can hurt you more than any ill intended words

Our embrace lasted too long.
We loved right down to the bone.  
I hear the bones grind, I see  
our two skeletons.

Now I am waiting
till you leave, till
the clatter of your shoes
is heard no more. Now, silence.

Tonight I am going to sleep alone  
on the bedclothes of purity.
Aloneness
is the first hygienic measure.  
Aloneness
will enlarge the walls of the room,  
I will open the window
and the large, frosty air will enter,  
healthy as tragedy.
Human thoughts will enter
and human concerns,
misfortune of others, saintliness of others.  
They will converse softly and sternly.

Do not come anymore.  
I am an animal  
very rarely.

I can lay
right next to you
and never touch you

I can see you smile
from across the room
without kissing you

I can watch you
leave the room
and resist hugging you goodbye

But sometimes
when I'm next to you
you have to ask me to move away

Because for a few minutes
I let fantasy get confused with reality
and I lean against you during a movie

And it's so warm
your arm and mine, touching
for that minute I'm at peace

But when you ask
of course I make room
Because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable

And if you weren't my friend
I would probably try it
just once, to know what it would be like to kiss you

But ideally,
I'll get over this
and when I am, we'll still be friends

So in the meantime
I try not to think about kissing you
and I only hug you when I have reason to

What I'm saying is
I will do what I can
to keep myself sane and our friendship intact

But just know
that with every look I give
I wish I could give so much more.

She thinks you light up the sun.
You think she turned on the stars.

She adds beauty to life already grand.
You make her happy in a way she hasn’t been.

She’ll be loyal.
She’ll be loving.
She is broken.
She is learning.

You’ll be funny.
You’ll be musical.
You are different.
You are needed.

She is…
You are…

In love.

as we laid side by side in that september,
staring to the sky
hand in hand, palm in palm, arm to arm
i watched the rain fall into my eyes
and did not blink

it was as if my mind knew not to fear the feeling
it was only but foreshadowing of the months to come
and the universe's way of paying it forward
giving me reserves to support
the freeing flood of tears that were soon to come

and as the **** broke, the flood charged on
our trust shattered
let the cries commence