Writing a poem for the sake of writing a poem.
I’m feeling emotions. More than ten.
Emotions that numb the toughest of men.
Even after all these exercises on Zen
It still feels like I’m falling apart at the hem.

But it’s all good! Isn’t it? I’m here.
Living through it with fear
Just ordered a double gin and some beer
But the mere feeling evokes a tear
and leaves me kneeling at the gateway of those emotions.
Dripping all over me like hot lotion
Without commitment or devotion.
And everything feels like it's slow motion.

So apparently it’s normal. To feel things.
They say all the stings and the pings are worth it
because we’re not supposed to be perfect,
and ‘these feelings need to be nurtured’.
*******. It’s all a bit perverted like a lie that's murmured.
This ******* feeling is so determined that I can't win.
If I do, I'll be singed and pinned
Even though I haven't actually sinned.
Yet I'm the one writing this poem. Not her.

Where the **** is that beer?
So I wrote this. This poem. Here.

When are you going to tire of chasing me?
Making me look into open space sometimes so vacantly
I go and write songs about it, I do
Lose my head trying to find you.

Feels like I'm always so close to the fire
Becoming a danger to myself, I feel like a liar
I remember thinking you could be so cheesy, it was easy
And I’m an open book, everyone can read me.

Is this something you want?
Out the door before my jackets on
And carry on
Where's the magic gone?

You used to turn me on

So you want me to be more apathetic?
But still call me pathetic?
If I'm honest you don’t take me there no more
So why you on my lips for?

Bringing me up just to drag me down
Leaving me here in this crumbling town

You’re the reason I can’t sleep.
Punching your holes in too many of my memories
Making me freeze with your ease
Manipulating my energies

Is this something you want?
Another hit and miss before it’s gone
Is this what I'm living on?

I’m always pouring over messages
Becoming someone else, it's all relative
And I’m so negative
I wanna get high on your sedative

Bringing me back down to earth
Making my feet hurt, their caked in dirt
But I don’t mistake what this is, you’re just a flirt

Where's the magic gone?
It's been too long
And you don’t know how to turn me on
Not anymore.

Everyone wants to be loved by you.

What is it? What is it about you?
Why? Why is it you?
I have questioned till I’m blue
Because these feelings, all new
Are boiling within me like a warm stew
Trying to make sense of it too.

Why now? Why didn’t I see it before.
Maybe I didn’t see the lure
The trap, so pure
Pulling me in for more and burning me to the core.

Everyone wants you. Seriously.. why?
People would hop, skip and fly
For your hand, which just waves bye
But to say I don’t want you... lie.

But I’m happy. Single. Alone. Alone.
****. Ring friends now, on the phone
Get them round using the right tone
And maybe then I’ll forget that I want to hear your moans.
Your ****** groans, each breath sown
Together.

No. Stop. Stop thinking about her.
It’s fine, I’m fine. I don’t need her fur...
Wrapped around me. Her legs over my shoulders,
I push in as she smoulders.
Filing away this memory in my folders
But this fantasy could not be bolder.

It’s all been a fantasy, an imagined reality.
To be bold for my capacity.

Everyone wants to be loved by you.

I just need someone to love me.
Why is that so hard to find?
I don't want to be seen but I want to see,
and I'm sure she won't mind.

Is it because I desperately look everyday,
but don't find myself?
Is it because I want you to stay?
Or because I don't want myself?

Why does everyone say IT happens when you're not looking?
What does that even mean?
Is it because I'm not rich or good looking?
I think we would make a great team.

I have waited my whole life. They say be patient.
I can't. Not anymore.

The only way out of this pain is through
This is what they make me believe as true
But what if this sadness is new?
Can I not start again, or do I have to pursue?

Going Through? Make me relive the moment?
Which is supposed give me atonement?
Is tackling this head on the right component?
Or will it give me a new opponent?

Maybe I should trust the process
Maybe I will move forward with progress
And the pain will pour out of the abscess
Or it will bring up other issues to address?

People chose to hide!
In the shadows, in the darkness inside.
No more. I’ll learn to ride that wave like the tide
The only way is through, I’m my own guide.

Why doesn't she love me. Is she not capable? Or is it me.
The answer is really scary because the truth makes you see.

Why do I want someone that doesn't want me back.
It makes no sense. Before you came I was on track.
Following my dreams without any distractions.
But the dreams changed because of our interactions.

I just wanted to be next to you. On your side.
I didn't ask for a girlfriend or the eventual bride. Just you.
40% of people go through diagnosable depression after heartbreak.
This choice I would not take, if I had known this was at stake.

You don't deserve my pain or poetry. Yet somehow you do.
Why the **** are you still in my life, distance is due.
Get away from me you ignorant Witch. You *****. You shrew.
HOWEVER, if you called right now, I would run to you.

No matter the distance.
I am weak to you with no resistance.
Although I fight these feelings, they are persistent.
I crave the day this feeling goes away and you are non existent.

I don't mean that last bit. Well, kind of. I don't know.
I edge towards being okay but am I really though.

Mad times for me. Mad times for everyone.
I live in South Kensington with a Nun.
What the actual **** is going on.
I think this all stems from the relationship with my mum.

I need to build a relationship to myself
That's before I can have a relationship with someone else.

That is a difficult process. Self love and respect are not taught.
You have to learn them yourself, and can not be bought.
I've tried.

I'm alright I guess. I'll get over it. Right?
I'm sure there is an end in sight.