I wish i still loved you. but you see i don't and i'm pretending like every things fine but what you don't understand is i can't sleep. I can't focus on anything but why i'm still here. here with you, or here at all. they say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, and i can't stop replaying that saying in my head because when we first met i hated every part of me and you put me back together. i started to love myself but here i am 18 months later and i'm back to 3am regrets of what drugs i haven't done. i'm beginning to hate myself all over again and i don't like this time i can be saved because i resent you for giving me light when all i really wanted was the back seats of unfamiliar cars. I guess some people fall in love with whats on the inside but i think that's a load of horse **** because every guy i've met has only fell in lust with what's under the clothes. I never got to thank my best friend for saving my life four years ago. I don't even think she knew she was saving my life, i think she was just trying to be a *****. i put myself in ****** positions because i like the pain and i like the thought of "these last days on earth". i won't grow up to be a wife or a mother, i won't grow up to make my parents proud or to get a masters. i pretend that i'm okay, but when you left i think i was far from okay and i think people saw that and forgot to ask. or maybe they saw it and just didn't care. or maybe they didn't see it and i'm a really good ******* liar. i can't stop blaming you for my pain and for my suicide notes that are crumbled up under my bed. i haven't done it yet because i'm thinking of exactly what to say that will hurt you the most. i fall in love with anyone that tells me i'm pretty or anyone that wants to take my shirt off. i fell in love with the word **** and ***** because that's what i learned love really is. two people can be in love but still love what others do to them so they break the ones who aren't broken and then the broken pretend like their fine. the ones that pretend like their fine, the ones who don't have to **** in their stomachs or wear bracelets are the ones who i'm scared for because those are the ones who will self destruct. those are the ones who will show us all that you can't leave a little girl in a store by herself or she'll start believing that everyone leaves. when she believes that she'll start pushing away anyone who tries to save her, especially the ones who are succeeding. so stop trying to ******* save me, stop trying to be my ******* hero. stop trying to pretend like you ******* understand. you see, that's why i don't love you anymore because my chariot doesn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight, my demons come out to play.

-the demon we all have (we just don't know it yet)

it's been two months since I've last written. I don't feel it anymore. it doesn't hurt anymore. Not because I'm over it. I don't feel anything anymore. My smile is real but can't you see it's gone within the minute. My laugh is louder, but can't you hear it turn into a cry? I gave up on ever being good enough for anyone. I have so many people tell me that so many people want me so why can't I see it. Why can't I see what they see. I think I'd be okay if I saw the girl my best friend describes. But then again, I've given up on loving myself ever again too. No love lost, no love found.

I can't stop thinking about sad people, sitting in empty houses, looking at bright screens.
In the seventh grade there was a girl, she sat two rows to the right and three chairs back. She was loved, but you could tell she didn't know it. Her father was an addict, leaving marks from glass bottles on the window frames she used to climb out of. Her mother was lonely, and breaking every day. she may not have felt the love from her mother or her father, she shouldn't felt it from me. I loved that girl to pieces a million times over again. I wanted to put the pieces of her messy life back together, hoping someday she'd do the same for me. She became my best friend. I feel like i helped put the pieces back together, and i still don't think she knows how many pieces of mine she's picked up and put back together.

it made my heart hurt, those words. It's a wednesday, it's 11:47pm and i'm still thinking about you. i'm thinking about you the same way i thought about you at 11:47pm and 11:57pm the night you first kissed me.
"when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away, ya know? You snap back to being important to each other because you still are."
well you are. you're still so ******* important. and i'm sorry, i'm so ******* sorry. You're not like anyone else i've ever met, you make ****** weather seem happy. About 5 months ago every time it'd rain you'd pick me up and take my to drive in the rain. I don't know if you knew i loved the rain, or knew i loved your company. either way, it was the best few weeks of my life. but look it's exactly 23 weeks later and you're all i can think about when i'm in the loneliest place i've ever been.
please i miss you
It was August 31st at 3:05pm.. it was your moms birthday. I remember how hard my heart starting beating then.
I wrote a note two weeks before i left for college, i wrote to myself about how i could be falling for someone who hated me. I know you don't hate me, but i feel like you could. The thought of losing you makes me exhausted, exhausted trying to keep you around.
When I was 7 years old i had a teacher who told me the world will repay me someday for being so full of sunshine. That was my first thought when you held my hand for the first time, because you make my cheeks hurt with how much you make me smile. I didn't know if i wanted you to kiss me, until it did. When it did, i knew i didn't want it to stop. I've never wanted someone to press their palms up against my ribcage more than you, or kiss my neck and make me lose my breathe. I want to give you everything i love but i'm scared that when i do, it won't be the same. The innocence that I have with you is unlike anything, you're the first person who didn't need to take my shirt off to see my heart.. thank you so much. This is a ****** story, coming from a ****** person who can't get over her ****** feelings for you. But i decided on you, don't you get that? i decided on you. i don't want to go ******* other people and then walk around feeling thrilled and then sad , or empty, or whatever. I like the taste of your lips, and i like the sound of your voice, and i ******* decided on you. you were the first person to make me feel like i didn't need to be perfect, it's been 5 ******* months and i still can't get you out of my ******* head.
you still are, you still are important
so i realized... i have bad news & i have good news, turns out both of them are that i love you.

-d.g. (And i'm sorry that you can't trust me to love you, but i would and i do. But i'm still sorry.)