it took a long time to realize
that the scars on my skin
were not scarlet letters or warning signs
but red badges of courage
i should wear with pride

I could be jealous by the way he looks at her
Or how his hand is on the small of her back
She laughs into his chest and he breathes her in
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I was invited to this party by a friend of a friend
Not knowing he would be here with her
He brushes her hair back and she smiles
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be angry with him for what happened
Or how he never thought to tell me about her
She looks into his eyes and he looks back
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I came to this house to get drunk on a Friday night
Not knowing how seeing him again would affect me
He turns his head and he sees me
And I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

I could go up and casually talk to both of them
Or flash a smile in both of their general directions
She whispers in his ear and he points at me
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I know by this point she must know who I am
Not knowing how he told me he loved me
She looks angry and he holds her hand
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be happy he eventually chose her instead of me
Or delete the texts I still get in the dead of night from him
She lets go of his hand and he sighs
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I should leave this party and walk away forever
Not knowing this affair would have ruined us both
She starts to walk towards me and he follows
But I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

you came rolling in like thunder

with your lips parted and wet

like the leaves on the trees

even hours after it has rained


a hurricane

of the greatest proportions

you came rolling in like thunder

with your lips parted and wet

like the leaves on the trees

even hours after it has rained



a hurricane

of the greatest proportion

I lent a book to a boy:
who I had mistaken for a man,
who I let touch me with his hands,
who I had convinced that I cared.
But in the swiftest motion
was left in bed alone with a book
I never intended on seeing again.

Tonight,
I watched you quietly again
But all these future memories
Kept projecting in my brain

We'd go to baseball games
And play footsie on top of the littered popcorn
Comfort would take over
Mending a wound we used to mourn

We'd eat breakfast in bed
And tumble on top of each other
Laughter would pierce through
Filling a void left by another

We'd see concerts at dusk
And dance under the twilight sky
Lightness would bloom
Where sorrow used to be disguised

We'd make love in the afternoon
And feel the weight of us two
Desire would burst through
Finally finding something that's true

We'd stay out late in the city
And kiss in the light pollution haze
Love would wash over us
Sticking where it never used to stay

But tonight,
You didn't even know my name
So I settled for a shy smile
From across the room as you looked my way.

I can still feel my thighs grate against the sand

And feel my hair wrapped around your hands

The moon sat heavy in the midnight sky

And the waves crashed into the coast

Your warm breath hung in the cool air

And my skin rose to your every touch

The sand still felt hot from the sun

And the sea breeze tasted of salt

Your mouth found mine at last

And I eagerly answered your request

The outline of your body against the moonlight

And my body pressed into the inviting Earth

Your fingertips grazed the most private of places

And your lips browsed the softest places

As we discovered how we moved in sync

That night on that deserted beach

I used to love the moments of love
Like the gratuitous glances
We exchanged in the grocery store
Or the brief belly laughs
That reverberated in our bedroom

I found myself living in them
Like the kind kisses
We had in the tight kitchen
Or the sly smirks
Reflected off the shower stall

I wanted them all the time
Like the ample adoration
Down adjacent bookstore aisles
Or the careening caresses
Of my thighs in the car

Even when sour, I held them so close to me
Like the damaged despair
Of broken plates in the dining room
Or the warning words
That echoed off white walls

I remembered every moment
Like the accusing anger
Spread across awful afternoons
Or the effortless embraces
Given in endured evenings

And sometimes, I wished I could forget them
Like the somber silences
In separate sides of the bed
Or the tearful touches
Of hands tightly ****** together

I used to love the moments of love
Like the beginning beauty
Of blushed bedroom faces
Or the frightened farewells
Under falling rain

I had always been the pliable one...
the one that always asked herself,
“How much could you use me until you were done?”
I resigned to bed sheets: comatose...
the idea of loneliness sinking in...
wondering if you were thinking of me.

I wasn’t always flexible, but always willing to
bend and break on your behalf
until you decided to flee the coup.
Because that’s when I finally bucked up
and stood my shaky ground
and realized you were actually the lonely one.

You were birthed blood orange
Arriving out of the blue sky
Violent and lovely in color
Bursting with ***** hues
Tinting everything you touched
With a tinge of wantonness
Puckering loose lips
With tighter fists
Heating the ground under foot
Singeing palms on thighs
Igniting fires of desire
Thought to be extinguished

But as quickly as you came
You waned into a purple haze
The backdrop of a lazy sunset
And coasted along the shoreline
Until you turned midnight blue
And faded from memory

i wish i had loved you better
told you that your hair looked nice
hugged you when you cried
or laughed when your punchlines really stuck

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t hurt you out of anger
make you feel less than you were worth
or put you down every chance i got

i wish i had loved you better
read those books you always wanted me to
danced to the songs you played on the stereo
or bought that dress you really wanted to wear

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t call your writing silly
delete the words you spent so much time putting together
or convince you that it would amount to nothing

i wish i had loved you better
took compliments about you in stride
begun more conversations with strangers
or looked in the mirror more often

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t scar your body with your own hands
starve you and make you cry at the scale
or keep you up at night about your past mistakes

i wish i had loved you better.

take a look at broken love
like a ticking grandfather clock
with heavy moments passing through
minuscule motions of crisscrossing hands
the thum of time beating in weather worn chests

take a look at broken love
like a melting ice cream cone
with sticky sweet liquid seeping onto
similarly sticky juvenile fingertips
the heat of summertime shimmering against butter pecan

take a look at broken love
like a shoot ‘em up film
with crafty bullets zigzagging across
rolling reels of burning celluloid
the sound of gunshots blasting into your ears

take a look at broken love
like a fragrant red rose
with outstretched crimson petals cradling
passive pinpoints of dripping relief
the delicacy of liquid clinging onto fragile flesh

As a woman, I have always
felt the pressure to procreate.
And if I succeed,
well, I better be the best mother I can be.
But what if, I’m scared
Of the pressures of social media.
That the moms that populate the page
will always be better than me.
That I may spread
my infected genes.
That maybe, right now, the world is
just a scary place to be.
But what if, I decide
to do things for me?
Does that deserve
to be guilty?

I felt you slip from my grasp

As I scrambled to catch you


In between my fingers


But you moved too fast

And the current was too strong


So I let you be taken away


As all the things you said

Violently washed over me


And I was left alone


To think of all of you

Your gentle voice


Forever gone


Instead, replaced with

The sound of waves crashing


Beat back and pulled under


Until all I could taste was

The salt of you


Vile and unpleasant


I drowned that day

As a final goodbye


Escaped your lips.

I’m sorry I lied about you...
that instead of being honest,
I hid behind grief and shame.
Truth is, I was so excited to meet you
but knew in the end I couldn’t keep you.

So instead, I waited with sterile wallpaper
and on me were cold hands of a stranger
and I said a brief farewell that wasn’t any less painful.

And afterwards, I could’ve sworn I was okay
but the thought of you, I couldn’t escape
and it started to feel like the biggest mistake.

I’m sorry I lied about you...
but I made the hardest decision
I have ever made that day.
The day I lied about my abortion
and claimed it was a miscarriage.

her favorite color was yellow
she loved the way it burst
and swayed in between flower petals
how the sun peeked through the clouds
after a particularly rainy day

she met a boy who liked the color orange
like pumpkin pie and japanese beetles
ultra-fluorescent vests and crushed leaves
he liked the way it stood out from the crowd
and shined brightly against a bleak background

but she was yellow and he was the color orange
close enough to be one in the same
but too different to combine
one calm and riddled with sadness
the other frantic and full of doubt

the two colors started to bleed together
yellow and the color orange
each trying to brighten the other
but they became muddled as one
and lost sight of one another

Maybe I'm selfish
With all my misgivings and flaws
But I think you're the selfish one
With your sly smile and condescending tone
You've sat across me many times before
In this same coffee shop with the brown doors
And held my hand on top of the table
Looked into my eyes and said you'd never let go
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Always held your phone too close to your chest
And kept your secrets locked up tight in your mind
As I tried my best to crack the code of you
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Fell in love with someone else while I was clueless
As I slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
And never faltered in my love for you

Maybe I'm an idiot
With all my trust and hope
But I think you may be the idiot after all
With your fake tears and falsities
You've said it a million times before
In every inch of this room 
Spoke the words so crisply and clearly
And let them reverberate around the room
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Told me there was no one else when there always was
Went to work and became someone else
Stepped out the door and lived a different life
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Thought of her while you kissed me goodnight
Still slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
Even though you've been unhappy for years

Maybe I'm wrong
With my anger and desperation
But maybe you're the wrong one in the end
With your sorry eyes and apologies
Because if you were really sorry
This would've never happened at all.

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i’m constantly reminded
by your faded memory

it lingered in the Sunday laundry
and ghoulishly appeared in a frame
popped up on the car radio
and frightened me all the same

as i packed your things,
it was in a card for my birthday
and eerily in a box of frosted flakes
i guess i never liked them anyway

later, it would quietly permeate
a passing tv commercial for charmin
remember how we used to laugh
i have those memories every now and then

i hope where you are is better
than where we were together

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i was constantly reminded
by your faded memory

I've just started living and I can already feel the lenses start to break
Sense the veneer crack against this solid slate memory
See the creases and folds of this bittersweet opus, *disaster
A picture-perfect desecration, an arduous whiplash

I may not be old but I can feel the age set into my bones
Sense the muscles and their atrophy, *apathy
See the wrinkles and puckers balloon from my skin
A dotted landscape, a jagged puzzle piece

I may not be bored but I can feel the bugs under my skin
Sense the wild, unfiltered urge of a sleeping giant, *mouse
See the time and seconds flicker by without a second look
A bullet train to nowhere, a jet plane doomed to fail

I may not be sad but I can feel the weight of everything
Sense the cool blue water filling up the tank
See everyone outside the glass smiling, *laughing
An antelope in the lion's mouth, a snuffed out candle

But the days go by so fast
In the vast chaos of life
And in the spiraling, sprawling expanse of time
I've somehow lost you, *me

You were reckless with your words
And every sound you made
Bloomed and crowded in my heart
A garden rising up from soil
So when you decided it was over
Those pretty words turned to daggers
Sharp ends on stems

You were reckless with your hands
And every touch you made
Electrified and burst in my heart
A storm forecasted but never believed
So when you decided it was over
Those caresses turned to a violent downpour
Caught in the rain: umbrella-less

You were reckless with your actions
And every move you made
Seared and singed on my heart
A fire burning through the forest
So when you decided it was over
Those kisses turned to the hottest ashes
Grey and pouring out of my mouth

You were reckless with my heart
And all of you
Flooded and swept up my body
A ship castaway in a vast ocean
So when you decided to leave
My heart turned to rubble and ruins
You, oh so reckless....
Me, just wrecked

i wanted a fireball of love
an explosion of burning passion
that hit me in the chest unexpectedly
but instead, i found a slow burn
hot embers on a bonfire
and calloused hot coals beneath my feet

i wanted a torrent of love
a monumental deluge of longing
that drowned me far within the deep end
but instead, i found a summer misting
dewdrops on verdant leaves
and tears running down my cheeks

I gave my sight to the sky
And watched the clouds collide
Saw the spinning universe as I never had before
And felt the world fall at my feet

I gave my breath to you
And said all things I should’ve
Shouted all the obscenities
And whispered all the sweet nothings

I gave my mind to you
And lost every inch of myself
Washed away every memory
And disinfected any individuality

I gave my body to the earth
And pushed my rotting flesh into the soil
Buried these withered bones in the clay
And felt the heat rise from its core

I’ve been called beautiful

By a boy barely fourteen

As he held my hand

In an alleyway in my hometown

Fast forward six years

As he held my hand in an airport

He told me the same thing

Through eyes filled with tears



I’ve been told I was loved

By a man halfway through his twenties

As I sat in his passenger seat

And I looked away smiling

Fast forward five years

As we sat crossed legged in our empty apartment

He told me the same thing

After he asked for my key



I’ve been called a lovely chaos

By a man I never really knew

As he laid next to me in bed

And brushed the hair out of my eyes

Fast forward two months

As I looked him in the eyes for the last time

I told him the same thing

As I begged him to stay

honeysuckle vines raptured
with blossoms bursting at the seams
gargantuan purple plum figs
drooping on delicate branches
with aromas of pleasure and sweat
like tousled sheets on bedroom floors

insects crawl on tiny feet
with the smallest winking whiskers
chirps of crickets fill the night sky
pouring into the desperate silence
with sounds of eagerness and delight
like laughter through closed doors

the seeds sink in
with shells cracked open in need
soaked into the wet and hungry soil
pods broken, wasted underneath
with sour dirt between their teeth
like anger between quarreling lovers

feet planted into the cold earth
with roots stuck against the grain
heavy hearted tree trunks
aged and weathered in time
with wrinkled scars of the past
like faded memories of what’s gone

but the sun peeks through
with a hopefulness like never before
and beats down on the pale garden
that time seemed to forget
with lust and light and love
like a brand new start
with someone different

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
That sweltering afternoon
With your thick, rough hands
Pressed against me

I focused on any part of the room
That wasn’t you
Fixed my gaze on a poster on your wall
And listened to the box fan on the floor
Trying my best to drown out
The sounds coming out of your mouth

I never said stop
But I wanted you to
Quit kissing me with your foreign lips
Feeling the stubble on your jaw
Rub my face raw
Smell your soured breath from cigarettes

I counted the seconds
Until it was over
When you rolled off of me
I wanted to shout and scream
Hateful and ugly things
But I was silent in that unmade bed

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
With you, but thoroughly alone.

tanned by the filtered sunlight
skin singed by the ultraviolet rays
rich and green and lush under the canopy
hopeful hearts and viscous viper vines
red flowers blooming on the forest floor
but you were dark inside

fixed in the current of the undertow
held under to drown delightfully
brow beaten and weary bones withered
salty seawater and coral colored conundrums
veins pumping warm blood through warmer bodies
but you felt cool to the touch

gorged on the fruits of your love
plump bellies full of sweet lies
half comatose in awakened anger
telling truths and infinite inciting indecisions
beasts of burden finally coming to light
but you lied from the start

amazed at the loneliness of after
loves of past wandering hallways
phantoms ******* with light switches
lovely longing and ghastly ghost grievances
vaguely haunted in the aftermath
but you died so long ago

there was never any contentment in being alone for you
the presence of another is a feeling you always craved
having someone to talk to into the night about nothing
the weight of them on the other side of the warm bed

the sound of loneliness was almost too much to bear
the quiet shutting of cabinets in the dark moonlight
leaving lights on in an empty apartment to feel alive
the singular towel hanging from the bathroom wall

you wanted the comfort of another to hold onto
the smell of them lingering in the pillowcase
having their fingerprints leave marks on the tabletop
the noise of their slumber lulling you to sleep

there was a certain chaos to being by yourself
the treacherous territory of idleness and boredom
learning how to make dinner for only one
the unfamiliarity of discovering who you are

you felt that home was when you were with another
the taste of their lips in the pale morning light
hearing their voice behind closed bedroom doors
the discarded clothes strewn across the room

being alone felt heavier than anything you ever knew
because you knew the only company
you were able to keep
was your own

you burned down
like the end of a cigarette
singed my fingers
with your flame
but you died out
with every breath I took of you
and left me with only ashes
to show for it

i've forgotten what your voice sounds like
or even the way your mouth carried the words
how each vowel rolled off your tongue
or how each consonant broke against your teeth
the memories are there; the conversations
the lighthearted ones in the beginning
and the hurtful ones towards the end
the words float in my mind like drifting snowflakes
the time you first said you loved me
to the second you decided it was over
and every delicate flake in between
i can remember the words themselves; the script of our love story
how each word either set my nerves on fire or snuffed me out cold
but the sounds elude me…
forever lost in falling snow

I hope my love catches up to you
In the quietest of evenings
As you lay in bed
And think of me

I hope it creeps into your bones
Until you can barely move
Settling in and spreading forth
Silently fracturing, piece by piece

I hope it seeps into your blood
That flows deep in your body
Flooding your veins with regret
Clogging your arteries with longing

I hope it lingers in the air
Gently filling your lungs
Leaving the taste of me in your mouth
The residue clinging to your teeth

I hope it grazes your skin
Raising your hair on end
The softest of shocks
The lost feeling of my touch on your fingertips

I hope it warms the place beside you
And leaves an indention that was never there
The weight of the ghost of me
Long gone...that was ages ago

I’m fully digestible.
And the taste of me won’t linger
on your tongue long after I’m gone.
A sweet little tidbit;
a miraculous morsel.
Watch me melt in your hands
and not in your mouth.

You could not contain her
But you loved her dreams
And how when she talked
They bloomed like flowers
Out of her pink mouth

You could not understand her
But you loved her mind
And how when she thought
The wheels in her head
Turned like gears in a clock

You could not tie her down
But you loved her mess
And how when she smiled
The frantic nature of her
Poured out like gasoline

You could not believe her
But you loved her honesty
And how when she laughed
It boomed across the room
And bounced around your brain

You could not hold her close
But you loved her body
And how when she touched you
Every bone shivered
And shook like thunder

But you could not love her
At least, not in the way she loved you
And when you looked at her
You knew it wouldn't last
So you hesitated
And watched her fall apart
With every small step back.

i shot your words into the sky
and watched them hang onto tips of stars
a million twinkling promises
against the deepest blue of night
they shimmered and shone
creating glimmers of hope
in the bleakest of moments
but as time passed
i desperately sought them out
through the lens of a tunneling telescope
and softly cried
as they slowly
faded from
view

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those starry-sky late night kinds of things
Like a breath of fresh air in the stifling heat
Like a brand new person you’ve been dying to meet

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those poolside sun-soaked kinds of things
Like bare skin singed in ultraviolet rays
Like the night sky full of firework displays

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those sweet like candy kinds of things
Like hot melted chocolate left in tinfoil
Like cherry cheesecake left out to spoil

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those fleeting like a dream kinds of things
Like a bullet train speeding through the night
Like the flutter of feathers mid-flight

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those gone like yesterday kinds of things
Like a dusty photograph stuck in time
Like a memory I’ve forgotten was mine

my cup was always half empty
and yearned to be filled
by someone who would stay
other boys filled it up
but always tended to get thirsty
and drank me
until there wasn’t a drop left
i was left bone dry
to slowly fill myself
back up
and up
and up
and up

but then you came
and poured
and poured
and poured
until my cup over-flowed

There’s space between us
And I can feel the ground snap
And splinter under our feet
The sound of it is deafening
Overwhelming me with each crack
I can see the memories
Slip silently through the cracks
One by one
Until they become obsolete
I can sense myself slipping
Scrambling for my own footing
Falling into the darkness
Of losing you
I can try and hold on
To the sharp edges of us
But my hands have grown ******
Torn by the words poured on the floor

When God created sunflowers,
He most certainly thought of you.
Crafted from every unique yellow hue
And birthed into a world of blue

Your roots dug deep underground
And captured everyone you knew
Taller and taller, your green stalk grew
Reaching heights that were completely new

Your yellow petals soaked in the sunlight
And sparkled in your brown eyes
As the sun rose, your voice filled the skies
Creating the most beautiful sunrise

Years passed, and your roots dug deeper
And you found a companion within the field
A true love that would never yield
And a seedling yet unrevealed

God gifted us with you; the perfect sunflower
And as the sun sets, we know
You’re back where the sunflowers grow
And you run amongst thee
Your brown hair floating in the yellow sea
Forever young, wild, and free.

We tiptoed into the bathroom

Careful not to wake the others

And silently removed our clothes

They fell to the ground

Piece by piece

Your hands on me

Bit by bit



Your back pressed against the tile

As warm water poured over us

I ran my fingers through your hair

And let my hands fall

Shoulder to shoulder

Your mouth on mine

Lips to lips



The shower scene

Once, lovely and lively

Now, obtuse and obscene

A memory

Full of regret

This is America
Where the rich only get richer
And the only thing that’s free is poverty
Where a single mother cooks Spam out of a tin can
In a 30 cent dented frying pan
Where little black boys clutch their guns to their hearts
Loaded and cocked;
Ready for the **** to drop

This is America
Where everything costs more than a dollar is worth
And even the dollar stores are 99 cents and up
Where Asian schoolkids get called Ching Chong
By fat middle class white boys devouring Ding Dongs
Where women’s bodies are controlled by men
In Ralph Lauren suits;
Spewing their propaganda on love and hate

This is America
Where the devil’s truly in the details
And if you want to make it big, you better have something to sell
Where healthcare is monitored by the government
Siphoning out your drugs like a treat for good behavior
Where crackheads and dope fiends and pill poppers
Are one in the same;
Minds and bodies and spirits riddle with addiction

This is America
Where jail time is a punishment not rehabilitation
And broken men evacuate our prisons with nowhere to go
Where incarceration is code for a controlled population
Killing culture and cops and citizens like a gnat between your fingers
Where higher education is a necessity but only somewhat free
Pell grants and work studys;
Graduating and finding yourself with a useless degree

This is America
Where immigrants seek asylum
And we call them bottom feeders and lazy day laborers
Where the borders “need” be stronger
Assigning them men with dogs and guns trained to shoot to ****
Where little Mexican girls traipse across the desert
Bare-footed and thirsty;
Hiding in the brush to avoid the copters

This is America
Where freedom isn’t free
And the only thing worth a buck is your soul
Where underage girls give a quick **** for a quicker bump
Abducted from their Kansas white neighborhood
Where **** is prevalent in a Christian society
******* and *****;
Always searching and seeking for the money shot

This is America
Where money is handled by crooks and thieves
And the poor, cold and hungry, suffer on the streets
Where panhandlers and beggars flood the suburbs
Abandoning their upside down mortgages for a solitary corner
Where every single material thing is a luxury
Taxation on *******;
Living paycheck to paycheck for a box of tampons

This is America
Where the middle class barely exists
And it just doesn’t cut it, your 40 hour work week
Where your earnings are garnished by social security
But the elderly are still struggling to make ends meet
Where retirement means a part time job
Office work or retail;
Dealing with the public for the next 15 years

This is America
Where free speech isn’t so free
And censorship exists despite our history
Where college kids speak their minds in poetry slams across campus
But the working class chit chat about television
Where hipsters and deadbeats stake their claim on
Restaurants and bookshops;
With ironic names in Helvetica print


This is America
Where we shed our blood for the greater good
And send our young and naïve to the front lines
Where soldiers come home to their families
Now realizing the only thing they know how to do is ****
Where they watch their children play in the streets from their bedroom window
Suicidal and Homicidal;
Placing the end of a shotgun in their mouth

This is America
Where reality TV reigns supreme
And more people know the name Kardashian than Einstein
Where kids are taught by underpaid unionized men and women
Holding the future of the country within their poor hands
Where schools can barely feed their students
Stomach and mind;
Both empty and starving, craving for attention

This is America
Where ignorance is the greatest epidemic
And keeping your mouth shut is the greatest sin
Where you gotta stand up and shout the truth
From the rooftops of Brooklyn to the sandy beaches of Pasadena
Where you gotta write and sing and rap and talk and feel
Pour it out and soak it up;
The true loss of the American dream.

I thought I could fit love into a box
And stuff all of its contents into one container
Set it on a shelf and pull it down when the timing was right

I thought I could label it
And categorize all the feelings, people, places, and things
Use colors to code it; all the yellows, reds, and blues

I thought love was black and white
And it either existed or it did not
Waited patiently for it to return when it slipped from my grasp

I thought I could stifle it
And smother it until there was no room to breathe
Hold it down and watch it take its last breath

I thought I could salvage our love
And rescue it from the depths of the deepest ocean
But there was no saving us.
Instead, I just let it go.

After too many drinks and not enough time,

We ended up moving in the dark of a bedroom

With New Order playing softly in the background

His eager hands on me, my reluctant mouth on his

Pieces of clothing thrown carelessly around the room

His hot breath on my neck, my hands spread across his back

I ended up sleeping with someone else.

And in the heat of the moment, you crossed my mind

Floated from the back of my brain into my vision

A crystal clear illusion from the past

Completely intangible, but I could still feel you

The love we shared, the lies you told

How your hands felt against my skin

How my mouth felt on yours

The man I fell so hard, so fast for

But also the man who broke my heart

And that despite everything you did to me,

All I wanted was this man, here with me in the present, to be you.

i feel like my mind can’t be contained
and all the dark thoughts i harbor beneath
pour into the surrounding life i live
poisoning the happiness i’ve come to find

it betrays me by rotting me from the inside out
and eroding every joyful memory into dust
questioning the steps i’ve taken to get where i am
quick to replace the comfort with silent pain

i wish i could finally shake loose of my mind
and leave behind the decayed flesh of it
abandon the past and all the scars in its wake
acquire back the light i used to hold

but i’m stuck in a prison i’ve created myself
and have lost the keys to my own happiness
trapped in a web of doubt and uncertainty
trampled by my own two feet

when you’re in love
the dishes don’t need to be done
instead, you leave them to sit
so you can do them together
with bubbles stuck in your hair
with your wet kisses on his neck
your laughter reverberating
even hours after you’re done

when you’re in love,
the laundry can wait
instead, you leave it to pile up
so you can fold in tandem
with you both sitting on the floor
with your knees slightly touching his
the neat piles all around the room
even hours after you’ve finished

when you’re in love
the bed doesn’t need to be made
instead, you leave it a mess
so you can tumble into it at night
with his warm skin against your own
with his arms wrapped around you tight
the smell of him on your pillow
even hours after he’s gone

when you’re in love,
the only time well spent
is the time spent with one another

She never was the friendliest girl in the room
But sometimes, her laugh was the loudest
And boomed across the room
Catching the attention of private conversations
It was probably a laugh
Not really worthy of the joke that was told
But still, it came out of the mouth
Of maybe not the most talkative girl in the room

She never was comfortable in her own skin
But sometimes, she dressed to impress
With an outfit she put tremendous thought into
It was probably an expensive dress
Too formal for whatever occasion it was
But still, it was strategically worn
By maybe the most insecure girl in the room

She never was the smartest girl in the room
But sometimes, her cleverness was noted
And she received a nod from the table
It was probably a random trivia fact
Too obscure to really matter in the long run
But still, it was casually mentioned
By maybe not the brightest girl in the room

She never was the prettiest girl in the room
But sometimes, she would catch your eye
And those little imperfections suddenly made sense
It was probably just the drinks
Too strong for your own good
But still, she looked beautiful
Maybe not being the prettiest girl in the room

I have this list in my mind
Of all the things I wish I had said
Numbered from the most important
To the frivolous passing sayings
A hello in the brisk morning light
Or a goodbye in the star filled sky

The list gets jumbled and muddled
As time moves forward without us
Knowing I had plenty of chances
To speak on behalf of my heart
But I held the words too close
Until they filled my head with thoughts of you

I say them out loud to myself
As if you were here by my side
But instead the words fall
With no one to catch them
And I’m left with my mouth open
As an “I love you” barely escapes my lips