My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.


She wanted to leave me behind.

☯
oh, you fallen thing;
please just hang the world up in
the closet and heal.

Every note bleak here
Not a one is real
Each new mirror eviler
Dead end looking superior
Each and every day
With each new form learned
I get sleepier, more weary of the earth
A place where life is weepier
And death is just a church
No answers giving, no people neither
Negatives in all but me
Surrounded by the unclean
Cloaked in many toilettes
No end but waste,
To breathe is an offense
To God and to taste
And God Himself a waste
Of breath on the tongue
In the heart or the mind
An empty vessel
Just like his sheep
All've been fleeced
And everyone's a thieve
The only answer is in me
The rest of you are feces
It's obvious before our face
You've never did a **** thing
Real or lasting for the race
All you have is stink and smoke
And all the things you've killed
Pretending to love
Feigning to weep
You have no heart
Just gametes and cheeks
Like an animal farm
You deserve your pen
I'll never love you
Not again
That lesson I've learned
Of my own accord
No thanks to you
I've cut the cord
We don't thank vermin
For the pain they've given
The difference between devils
And angels is we're forgiven
What was the point
Of giving all this blood
To a world of pigs without love
But to self-reflect and -respect
And to learn a few rhymes
And how to butcher
And be immune to
Every unclean thing
Under the sun
My Father isnt solid
He was never really there
I am the son
I created him
I found me
I farted you out
And I'll flush you soon
With rains, with tornadoes
Fire and fear
What use are you now?
When all your lessons were what not to be
Oh inverted souls
My ******* is more reliable than you
No, let's change that, it's something I can count on
I won't mention you again
Give glory to what's good in me instead
Focus on what's right and real
Not the nots that are not to mention
Nothing to me now
The truest accomplishment
To give up on what is nothing
To focus on what's real
Something everlasting
Something that doesn't steal
I only need me
And eternity
She's my girl now
The only real girl
And im the only one she's inviting in
The only one who's real

To be saved for you
Is to be passive,
Your goal to end our complaints,
To put us on a diet, starving on faux saints.
"Be peaceful, don't disrupt our war (and whorin')
Or we'll war against your peace."
So holy, so blameless,
All you want is for such joy
To be endless.
That's why you take from us our feeling,
Our thoughts,
And our choices,
Leaving us in chains,
Funneling us by limits
Created by YOUR taints
Into soul-destroying foyers,
Where time and life may waste.
You think that because you can't control you
That those who can should pay.
Selfish, solipsistic, your so-called love is locks,
Constraints on us to keep us quiet,
Your loving face a feint.
Blank stares you give us when we smile
Without the approval of your code,
All a maze to hide your lying, stealing, using ugly soul.
Shut up! Nothing is ugly! I'm perfect as I am!
Using killing thieving stealing!
Creating pain for generations to come.
All is well and all is equal, evil's well as good!
No consequences to my actions, grin and bear it like you should!
My glimmer proves I'm God's own child,
I use his name in vain, I AM! (be ******)
My smile's worth the price you pay,
So we pretend that we are clean!
Why wash when we can remain the same,
This Perfect Princely Palace
Of Peace and Love and Joy so long,
Clearly nothing here is wrong!
We have the Way, enjoy the fruits! Ignore the offal all around you, I promise you we're true! (and beauty too)
Rhyme and reason, faith and charity, motions you go through,
But nought ever improves.
So what is love if you don't care
Because you're bent on filling pews?
All men are hypocrites, all women liars,
Picking pieces that fill them up with ways to fuel their fire, to fool their eyes and ears and hearts
So they can doll up dogs and parade around desires
Claiming they're Divine.
None are good, all are false,
And every prophet suffers while the rich who seek toward heaven tell them quit your want for something better,
Settle for this trash, it's all we've got. (drink wine)
That's not a cherub's way, He's passion,
Not an old castrated goat
Who ***** the hooves of Shaitan,
Below the vaulted sky
To mewl for his grubby food.
What decency have men left,
What dignity, what shame.
Your lack of caring for those angels you make suffer before your faulty throne
Proves you're the one alone, unworthy of His name.
Next time you critique the critic
Perhaps you should hear him first,
Rather than making every verse you ****** a *****
To excuse your cowardice toward the Word, ye murderers of faith and love and truth.
Remember youth.
Your best be uncouth 'n' open,
Not hiding from the light.
They fight and claw toward heaven's voice,
Not run away in fright
From God's rumbling,
Whining about rough words,
So those selfish faux good demons can send more off a cliff of empty bliss without question,
While they get off on it in vile hubris, a craven's lust for power and control over other souls.
(Learn the Lesson)
So take your hats off,
Show your skin,
Be more honest,
And Let Me In.

Why would you expect us to write you pretty poetry
When you reject our every tear?
You tell us "Shut up and bleed" when we're in pain,
"Come back to us when we can use you again",
"We feel good and gloating about all the great we've done",
While the other half rots alone.
You want more words, if you can benefit.
If not, you'll say your hate for us is love
And we should cheer up, shut up
And be happy, for You.
After all, you're so loving -
Why wouldn't we be?