this was the first time i stayed until the very end
my foot's been halfway out the door for the longest time
but i stayed until the door was shut behind me

i was always the person who leaves first
because i cannot stand being abandoned
but this time, i promised myself to stay
even though i knew there was no use in staying

i keep waiting for the realization to sink in
the fact that i don't have you anymore
i thought i would be sadder than this
but we were the kind of movie that keeps you
on the edge of your seat for hours
and leave you disappointed in the end

everytime i start to think that maybe
i could've done something different
i see that it would be no use
your life is not yours
and even if it was yours
me trying still wouldn't fix us

everytime i see us happy, laughing hopefully,
the facade breaks
and i see each time we hurt each other
i see each time our wants clash

i see me being happy that the sun's out
and wanting to sit outside
and bask in the warm light
then i hear you saying no with that disapproving voice
and see you walk inside immediately
of course i would follow you
i'd follow you everywhere
even when my heart sank

people say you already like somebody else now
and it honestly doesn't hurt me that much
i see very clearly that we are not meant to be
that even if we meet again five years from now
it still would not be us in the end

i don't feel sorry for myself if you have somebody else
because i see the reality of what it was like
being with you for four years
even though some of it was happy and comfortable
it was never the kind of love that i wanted

the lesson i've learned from this is that:
you can't force love
you can't force two incompatible persons to be together
it just
won't work

She became a nightmare
dipped in gold
loved the wrong man
hoping to be everything he dreamed
without realizing
it had eroded all of hers

-em vidar

And I only miss a memory of you
I can't remember your face
or the way you laughed
and the scars you left
have begun to fade

-em vidar

There are so many ways
to say goodbye
‘Hellos’ are but a few
there’s ‘adieu’ and ‘farewell’
just to mention one or two
‘Catch you later
…alligator’
there are much, and many more
of ‘Bye byes’
than of ‘Hi’s’
than a simple ‘Bonjour’

‘See ya’ or ‘See you’
easier said than to cleave
so, ‘So long’
won’t feel wrong
so many ways to see you leave
maybe, it’s because we depart
more often than we come
maybe, “hello” holds no meaning
after it’s said and when it’s done
goodbye could be good but hurtful
for no sorrow in hello you feel
but parting can be painful
so we say ‘Keep it real’

‘ta ta’, ‘toodeloo’
’sorry it’s me…not you’
among the funny things we say
like ‘howdy’, ‘how you?’
‘****-a-doodle-doo’
by early morning on your way
so it’s hasta la vista
see you soon, or cya later
I’d better be along.
take it easy
easy peasy
peace out and stay strong.

You don’t just love a person,
you love who you are with them,
the you, you see reflected in their eyes
you love the vision of your life with them.

When it’s gone, you have to mourn it all
the whole ecosystem of connectedness.
Old realities can look shabby in comparison.

it's been one year of loving a girl who
has fallen on her knees for me and
who has raged like an electrical fire.
a girl who sits in the car alone and
sings for her own ears.
a girl who has been torn apart more times
than i've ever been kissed.
from the outside, it looks like loneliness;
just one girl in a coffee shop corner
who takes up one side of the bed.
but it's been a year of writing over
every annotation you left on the margins of my pages.
now i've finally gotten to the part where the slate is clean.
the part where i let you go with concrete certainty.
i can hear the shackles clattering to the floor.
that sound means i have made it without you,
that you were not the end of me.
and i've changed so much this year,
would you even recognize me?
it feels like i was put back into direct sunlight after
feeling the radiation only through your glass window pane.
i wear skin you have never touched.
i live on a college campus you've never been to.
i've listened to new music that you haven't heard of.
instead of loving you, i love the things that are just mine, just me.
she's an acquired taste, she is work to love.
but i do.
i love who i am without you.

The map is molested with marks of all the places we tried to make our love work

When my Being began suffocating you in our 500 sq ft apartment,
we thought a two bedroom townhouse in the concrete confines of the financial district would be enough
space to assuage the wolf inside you longing to lone.

When that wasn’t enough, we tried two buildings.
One for office, one for home. Ostensibly together, but with two separate addresses.
We thought one place for dwelling and one for thinking would be enough
to calm the raging fire protecting your heart.

When that wasn’t enough we flew south,
where the promise of sun and cloudless skies breathed hope into our little love’s lungs.
We thought the heat would be enough
to melt the ice hardening in your eyes.  

When the sun wasn’t enough to heal like our fantasy promised, I flew to another continent.
We thought 1000 miles of coast between us would be enough
To remind us why we started. Let him miss you, they told me.

When the desperate separateness of two separate continents
wasn’t enough to reunite us
like I never thought it would,
we finally capitulated to having two separate lives.  

Would another move have been enough? Another perfect permutation of distance to heal the distance between our hearts?

We’ll never know
Enough was never enough