At least He's still around

I've been trying to find myself
With my eyes wide shut
And the visions of the future
Keep changing
And my head and heart
Keep paining
When I think about it.

I don't know what I want
Just what I don't want.
That's good and bad.

I just keep grasping at air
To catch me before I fall into an abyss
I just keep grasping at air
To catch me before I shatter to pieces.

No one sees
No one cares
No one notices
Because they don't ask
Because I don't let them know
God I'm falling and falling
But ironically
My fingers can never let go
Of the atmosphere
That lets me fall
Oh who am I to call?

I just keep falling and falling
Grasping at dreams with my eyes wide shut
Bracing myself for the pain
Of either wings sprouting and letting me soar
Or from crashing and my skull cracking on the floor

I don't know
How to continue
This life in fear
And Oppression.
Constantly struggling to change
To fight the bad,
The evil
That is whips my tender skin.
The gun pointed
At one end of my head
The bullet ready to pierce my skull.
I begin to question
*Am I ready to die?

Gone,
Taken from our midst,
Our grasp.
We waited so long
For her arrival
And now all we do is mourn
Because we were careless
And she slipped through
Our glossed fingertips.
All we can do is cry,
Cry to God
Asking, no Begging to bring
Her back.
But its too late
No miracles can change time
She is gone

If you had told me five months ago that
I would laugh again
And love again
I would have spat in your face
Because how could I possibly ever feel
Again after losing nine precious people to me?

But I am laughing
And loving
And smiling once more
And I think about them yes,
Sometimes I cry
But pain is apart of being alive.

If you had told me four months ago,
That we wouldn't be
I would've rolled my eyes and said
'You must not see the way he looks at me.'

But we are not
We will never be
And I guess that hurt me for a while
But I still smile
And I don't even notice you
Half the time
Because other things
Like happiness are consuming my mind.
And I know that before the school year ends
I will have another
And you will be the last thing on my mind.

If you had told me twelve months ago
Things would be like this now
I would have laughed out loud
Because it couldn't possibly be true?

But it is
I am happy
I have grown
I will
Continue
To
Grow
I
Will
Glow.

IT WAS THEN
She realized it then
When her heart hopped
Into her mouth screaming
Out ludicrous love songs
And her stomach started
To spin around like a cyclone
And she had this overwhelming urge to
***** and run
But he was her home
So she collapsed into his arms
And relished the feeling of just him being
There.

IT WAS THEN
She realized that she had
Fallen hopelessly in love
And she remembered that feeling
Seven months later
When she craved it so bad
That she fell to the floor and
Broke like glass
Bits and pieces of herself
Shattering
Everywhere and she had
Lost herself
Truly that time
Feeling like she was grasping at thin air
Or clouds
Trying to get a grip
To stop the falling
But every firm thing
Slipping through her grasp.

IT WAS THEN
She crashed down on the grasslands
Numb.
Her back ached from landing on the
Earth with such force
And her ears rang.
The broken bits had
Come back together
Forcefully, and it hurt to breathe
Because she was used to some places
Being empty
So it felt awkward now that they were full.
She lay there
For a while,
Looking up the sky
Watching him lead another girl up
Abysmally high
Waltzing on clouds
Her laughter innocent and sweet.

IT WAS THEN
She felt the sharp ache in her head.
She knew now.
All ludic childishness
A faint memory
She was back to normal now
Reality.
She wondered what love was
Blindness or foolishness.
She couldn't decide.
She got up
And walked away
Into the sunrise.