i don't miss my parents like good daughter should
simply because i have always been too independent

but recently i have been imagining crawling into bed with mom
she would still hold me if i asked her to
as tightly as she would've years ago

i wonder if i should ask her
i wonder how i could hold back the tears that i feel welling up inside of me even now, miles and weeks away
how do i apologize for not asking sooner?
how could i ever make up for that?

does she know that i love her

pressed up against your face
sun streaming in through the curtains
light caressing your cheeks
my arm hurts in this position
but i'll keep it still
if it means getting to be next to you

i want to hold your hand
without having to extend my own

i want to kiss you
without you knowing that i want to

i want you to know that i love you
without having to say it

i feel like a tiger
pacing in a cage
it is not poetic
in the way that
if the bars were opened
i would burst out
like a firecracker
it is instead in the way that
i would lie down where i stood
unable to leave.

the earth shifts
feet cling to ceiling
knives dance in my chest
up is down
but down is not up
silver drips off of my fingers
a sheen falling up
or was it down?

a deer is on the ceiling
or is she on the floor?
she whispers
"you cannot be what you wish to be
if you do not first wish"
the earth shifts
her coat gleams
her eyes shatter and repair
the earth collapses

she is gone

i put my fingers to my lips
all i taste is metal

and once again
we thought things would be different

and once again
things were not