I am
filled
with
clouds &
confusion

Perfection... with my eyes closed
I see what I want to see
Feel what I want to feel
Owned the world in a blink of a moment

Mountains, seas,  places in dreams, all is free...
Hear the music that calm the demon inside me
See the colors worth to pay my eyes to be blind
And fall in love with someone that never and will never exist

Death, oh death would be the life of what if’s
What if I am her or what if I have him
The world of perfection says
*"Close your eyes and own me."

-
Have you ever been in a moment?

When you wake up in the morning
You see it all blank
You feel like you’re nothing
Everything has no meaning
Asking yourself ‘why am I here’?
Why am I living but feeling dead
Why am I still here?
Asking what’s the purpose?
The reason for all of this
Then you find no answer
And you want to end it in a click
But you can’t
Because at the same moment
You still want to live
Be one of the braves
Whose still fighting
And you still have hope
That one day in a million days
You’ll find the answer
The reason why you’re in this moment

*Beholding the past
Dying today
And living for tomorrow.

And suddenly I realized that all of this,
The gun, the bombs, the revolution
Has got something to do
With a girl named Marla Singer.

Cornelius, Rupert, Travis, Tyler Durden
Who could really tell how many are we in a single body?
Mind creating multiple personas, good or bad
Or both could mean the same thing,
A label, a name as it is,
Could mean something or nothing

And there could always be a Tyler Durden
The Bold and Free, The Enlightened one

We see ourselves as we’d like to be
Good or Bad? Again, we decide what is right
Founder of our own fellowship
For our own Project Mayhem
For a girl named Marla Singer..
What again is a Project Mayhem?

**All I know is…
First and Second Rule:
You do not ask questions about PROJECT MAYHEM.

When no one
pays attention
to your soulful
sad story.

Maybe I've felt more loneliness
Than happiness in my entire life
But those pleasant times
That my heart is in bliss
Are precious breaths
That I have to keep

This place gets old
Stained walls,
Broken roads..
Surrounded, crowded..
Still, familiar..
Only familiar
Something's different
The scent?
The people? You?
Ah, No more you...

Your walk,
How you look..
More certain..
Different from what I've known
Is it change?
Is it the clock?
That keeps ticktocking
And every tick is a step
Taking you away
Far from me..

Time changes everything
Wait, no, no..
Time leads us..
To 'who we're suppose to be'
We don't change..
In process of getting to know
We discover,
This life
This place
Ourselves.

Thought it would be easier,
Keeping everything less
Less thinking
Less talking
Less engaging
Less moving
It makes me less weary,
Less lonely
But also
Less happy
Less warm
And less alive

At first, a matter less seems fine
but as I go on it makes me more...

More dead....

~
*It’s time to let go,
Time to rest,
Time to sleep,
And time to dream again.

From what I’ve known
I have one goal

FREEDOM

I worked so hard
To end my sentence

Though I’ve won the war
And thought I am at last a victor

Yet it doesn’t feel like liberation
Until I realized

I never knew what
Freedom really means.

Once I thought
...
The more you give love
The more you receive love

But I am wrong
It doesn't happen to all

Some stories
...
The more they give love
The more they suffer in love
...
So how much will you bet?
**Is it worth giving the most for love?

Standing beyond guards,
twisted bars and shards

With shattered knuckles
and broken ankles

Dilated eyes in the face of elusiveness

Where is freedom in hollowness?

Spinning round in vast emptiness

Conceptions, misconceptions
mixing in wild motions

Surrounded by scented candles
and flowers posing birth or perhaps death

....Fainted in bewilderment....

I may be gone for a little while,

Maybe for a little while longer

but I will always come back here,

here where my poems live,

here where my heart finds comfort

here where my soul laid to rest,


here

                  here,

where


**I MET YOU.....

My body is a story
Of pain and pleasure
Slipping through time
Yet keep sailing away
From oblivion

The Sun stood still
Burning the people underneath
Making them lifeless
And now, all is but a silence

                                 Except me,

There’s a noise inside my head
Making my heart beat steadfast
And the heat of the sun couldn’t make it stop,
Too loud and too strong to take my life.

Barefooted in the middle of nowhere
Where the lost can never be found
By anyone whose eyes were only caught by fancy shoes
I was wondering if someone will notice the barefooted
Stepping on thorns and stones
Every night in that nowhere there's the lonely wanderess
With eyes closed and ears open
Enough to lead her to the wonder of nowhere
Where the music is slowly playing
That keeps the trees sway in sweet rhythm
And leaves slowly falling, touching the lonely wanderess
Until finally hit the ground and withered
Reminding an old friend who once she walked with
And the lonely wanderess wasn't waiting for someone
She doesn’t want to be found nor saved by anyone
Whose heart withered in a long walk to nowhere
The lonely wanderess is afraid to even take another step
Thinking she’ll never find herself without getting wounded
Not the road she’s frightened but the thorns she imagined
But she chose to die trying to find something she can’t see
Darkness is that nowhere and she’s less happy but less sad
Carrying nothing but less of everything.

~
                *I can hear someone’s footsteps

Lingering around my frozen body
                        
                 Would you please help me…

I know this is just a dream
With melodic tune
Enchanting me to stay asleep
Uttering to relish this reverie
And never wake up…

                    He caught me easily

Trapped in this delusion

               His beauty overwhelmed me

A dream that seems so real
That I’d choose to stay asleep,
A dream that’s so wonderful
That I’d let him drown me with his charm,
A dream that lured me…

             I’d trade my reality,

Light over darkness

                      Convenience over danger

This dream is overruling
Offering every goods I wish to possess
Persuading that I wouldn't want to wake up
I’d lose him or I’d lose myself is the only option he gave
And I’m paralyzed, and throttled, unable to make a decision


Wake me up

Before I'd surrender my last heart beat
Yes, I’m panting, hardly gasping
Begging for air, I need to breathe
To think clearly that he's just a fantasy,
A fallacy that I can’t live within eternally...

                 I’m sinking in this sweet perfection

Slowly taking me to somewhere

          So dark and cold and mysteriously captivating…

Yes I wanted to come,
I can see him in the dark, grinning
So strange I’m not afraid, not a bit
Enjoying the pleasure of being half dead,
The comfort of serenity is undeniably alluring


                 Yet.... half dead means I'm still half alive,

Aware of the truth

                     That he’d never become real

I know.... this is just a dream
With melodic tune
Enchanting me to stay asleep
Uttering to relish this reverie
And never wake up…

                     ....but I can hear someone’s footsteps, a hope

Lingering around my frozen body

                 Would you please help me…


I wanted to wake up.

And there she was
Invisible, like a ghost
Watching a man from afar
Cryptic, like the moon
On a dreaded night..

Letters, unwritten words
Papers, empty spaces
Waiting for the matrimony to create poetry
But how when I'm Losing Ink

I remember the time it's full
Filled with dreams, tears and fears
Now the blood of misery is diluting
And I'm Losing Ink

I should be glad, but how could I be
When the only medium I used to have is depleting
And I can’t lay my words on canvas
I know I'm Losing Ink

Empty, floating on a galaxy of being half
Undefined feeling, making no capacity to fill the cartridge
Week by week I’m getting weak
*And every day, I can feel I’m Losing Ink

we've met somewhere in a magical place
a misty dream where our souls dance together
we've got drunk by our connection
electrified by in-explainable energy
that suddenly explode to nothingness
and i wonder if you got hurt like i do
got lost in a grey forest without trees and flowers  to talk to
got your eyes bleed from crying because you miss me like i miss you.