-
I’d scream for death
With this pain inside

So take this broken heart,
Oh my remaining card

I’d rather lose all the love
And trade it for a cold rock

Beg for your enchanted hand
That’s fond of collecting hearts

Seize the grief is my only demand,
Oh Queen of Hearts of Wonderland.

Every day
is another gap,
another broken line to trace
divided by your footsteps
while fading away.

As I look at the faces of other people
Struggling to survive the whirling winds of life
I knew I wasn't special
I'm just a cliche seeking attention
And I'm no special to be treated like one
I am just a little piece of humanity
Significantly living on my own but
Insignificantly existing to the world.

It's not what the book describes
That winged human-like flying above the sky playing a harp
That silvery immortal being shining so bright
That hero protecting you from any evil situations and suddenly show up to save you wherever part on earth you are
Or... or that angelic face that by looking, makes you feel heaven is so near
Cause literally I've never seen one that'll make me believe that heaven is for real.

No, I've never seen one, none when I was in the hospital twice
None even when my brother died
That angel the book describes never appeared to say I'll be fine
That angel I hope to show up in front of me and literally sing an angelic song and make the whole scene bright
Literally I've never seen one, none in those darkest days of mine
Nothing like the book says come.

But I've known Angels! They save me million times, a miracle in disguise!
Angels that are not human-like but humans like me, breathing and living
Though they can’t fly, they always come and sing with me to brighten those darkest days of mine
Angels that somebody God delivers when I'm in trouble with myself, trouble finding my way
Strangers I've met in those moments whose voice were so angelic that I can't refuse to listen, that everything they might say will matter
And likewise Angels that are burning in space twinkling shining so bright that by staring, makes me dream and smile in those lonely nights of mine.

An Angel could be that anyone or anything that touches our hearts in those moments we need most
An Angel is a family, a friend, a stranger, could be a star for what I believe!, or anyone, anything that'll make you feel that life is worth living
An Angel is the one that inspires us to do something good and to be good for the people we care, who care for us, or just for all the people
An Angel is the one that saves us in those desperate  moments, held us and whispers to keep on going despite the pain this world brings, we’ll be fine
An Angel is the one that helps us find our way in those strangest places we’ve been and makes us believe that there's a dreamland waiting to be our sweetest home
An Angel is the one that shows kindness, and make you feel that heaven is for real.

"An Angel is a Miracle, or... that Miracle is An Angel".

Disappointments got me to this misty road
Sluggishly cycling a creaking bicycle in a drizzle
While poisoning my bushed lungs with cigarettes

A replacement to my sweet medicinal marijuana
That I skipped for months, trying to be clean, to be good
But in my head there’s still a noise saying I need it so much
To feel powerful, for a day of greatness in nirvana
To forget that I needed someone to feel worthy,
Or so to create an apparition of a friend to whom
I can share my disappointments and success
While in reality I’m alone in boredom
Killing time and whatever I have,

Oh Gaaad, sorry I feel weak

My insecurities got me to this misty road
Sluggishly cycling a creaking bicycle in a drizzle
While poisoning my bushed lungs with cigarettes.

truth is i'm not certain
do i want this or not?
or i'm just afraid
of missing then connecting
too reserved to communicate
too silent to talk
too small in this big world
do i want this?
it doesn't matter anymore
cause i'm already at the ground of my fear
its been 9 days since i got in my fearful dream
oddly, it wasn't  scary
as i thought it would be
do i like it now?
truth is, i still don't know
but i'm here
i'm already here.

You’re the moon I will forever adore
Always distant yet the apple of my eye
Wanting to hold your hands
Before I lay in peace...

Stand near you,

Look into your eyes

And see closely….

*The magnificent light

You confidently carry

Even in bluest of time.

h e a r t b r e a k i n g
In a soundproof room
No one hears it but you
uncontrollably
Sending electricity beneath your jaw
running up to your eyes
You feel the electrifying current
turning into water of agony
Flowing to your face down to your pillow
Until you fall asleep alone with your emotions
Having no one else,
n o  o n e  e l s e.

:
and i think....
I enjoy being depressed
*and write about it.

If only death is temporary
A break, a vacation
I would take it for a month, or a year
To rest, to be free from all anguish
And return when I'm ready
To feel something again.

There’s always an impenetrable space between knowing and not knowing what to think, what to feel and what to do at troubling times.

Hidden in the corners
are multiplied feelings
painfully shattering the edges
pleading for freedom
wishful thinking to be rounded
suitably, infinitely flowing
and bravely growing in circles.

Most nights
Are so painful
that I have to keep
Telling my self
To endure

your absence
distracts me..

i envy the winds who still witness you*

-rupi kaur, the sun and her flowers

Memories last but friendship not
your pen in this place begins to blot
the story of you will end in a dot
thank you for giving me one spot

In another pen your story begins to plot
new chapter of your life must grow a lot
achieving your dreams that once trap in a ***
i wish some of our ways meet again even in one shot.*

- a poem written by a friend

Nights are better with you aşkım
Your love is comfortable and warm
Like a noon sun embracing the clouds
Wandering in the vast blue sky

It feels good
To be taken care of
As well as to do the same

Seeing figures slowly drifting away
Revealing a plain blue sky
Resonate a familiar farewell
And though you know
How to romanticize the clouds
You don’t want to imprison such love
So you let it swept by the wind.

Death is inevitably painful no matter how much you verse yourself into it, knowing it is awaiting from the very beginning of one's life.

Dilated heart
Clouded mind
Losing appetite
Body sways
To sweetest sound
Nevermind the
The thorns around.

Be one of the strays in İstanbul
Have our pack wandering like masters of the street
Have their eyes witness our unity
We will not think of home or hunger
Because every corner is ours
The sky, the wind, the water and the earth
Will not selfishly enshroud their glory
They will let us behold the Bosphorus' sunset
My love, I will be an outlander in places you knew
But we will drift together, I will run with you.

You are the meaning of love
and yearning
The sun theat brings warmth
and sets with exquisite echoes
of longing.