I hear what people say.
Especially if it's something they're interested in.
And if they want to tell me that.
I don't ignore them because the saddest thing someone can do
is ignore someone when they are
completely obsessed with what they tell me.
I want them to tell me because they are my friend
and they should want to talk to me about something
or and another,

I should want to hear what they say.    

at least i have the decency to takeout my headphones
and actually ******* listen to what you have say,
all i get is 'oh yeah' 'yup' 'uh huh'
i'm so tired of being ignored

This is fine.
This is just fine as long as it doesn't go in my hair.
My fringe is hanging down a little.
What if it goes in my fringe?
I can't adjust my hair now, it'll ruin the mood...
Just look ****.

Oh god, he's looking at me.
I can't make eye contact with him, it's too weird.
Maybe I should close my eyes and roll my head back and make some sort of moaning sound.
That's a thing isn't it?
That's a thing girls do in ****?
It probably is.

****. I am not a **** star.
This can't look hot.
I think I'll give a nervous giggle.
Maybe it'll sound ****.

Great, now he thinks you're laughing at his *****.

No he doesn't.
He knows you love his *****.
Well, as much as you can love a *****.
It does feel good, but they just don't look very attractive do they?
Especially not when they're thrusting in front of your face.

Stop it - focus.
Don't focus! Relax!
Be in the mood.

How long does this take?
He's using his hand, surely he's a pro at this.
Why is he taking so long?
It's probably only been thirty seconds.
I hope it's been longer, I'm running out of ****** expressions.
Maybe I should talk *****?
But what if it goes in my mouth while I'm trying to speak?

Oh, he's grunting.
This must be...

It's in my ******* fringe.

i just came to the realization that every one around me will one day die..
so i mean whats the point right?
how i see it, is that 3 people will truly notice me when im gone:
my mom
my dad
Kiya

My mom because, well to be blunt because i came out of her, and because shes supposed to care shes supposed to know when i have tears running out of my eyes, when i dont feel like living, shes supposed to notice my bad days, when i say 'oh, i just have a headache' shes supposed to notice.
why doesn't she notice... i just want her to notice

My dad because he helped create me, and he fees guilty for beating on me and my brother and cheating on my mom, like a new phone will fix his past mistakes, he will probably think its his fault, because he wasn't there to tell me what a beautiful daughter i am like every statistic says. he'll probably **** himself too, because hes a coward, cheaters always are.

and lastly Kiya
shell feel sad and go into a bigger depression she already is because her mom passed away about two years now, and shell most likely be on her phone at my funeral because thats all she does when shes around me, the most conversation she has with me is over the phone anyways, shell probably text me when im dead to just try and keep the conversation going, shell say 'today i ****** Anna again and i feel weird about it...' and go on because thats ill i hear from her and im ******* sick of it.
thats why im killing myself, because all this ****. is amazingly not worth any of this heartbreak i feel everyday in my sad little pathetic 15 year old teenage life.

I wish that you could see the way your body moves like the ocean, its curves are what spark up the storms in the sea.

I see you

I see the way you cant stand yourself sometimes, you cover up your emotions with sarcasm and yeah, sometimes i fall for it.

I feel you

I feel your stress and anxiety levels sky rocket when some things goes unplanned, you have that need to always be in control and its very attractive.

I touch you

I touch you with the most delicate of hands i can, when we're in bed and thinking about the endless thoughts, I cant stop myself from thinking that before me is someone else and they can show you tender hands but never do because they can't commit.

I smell you

When your near i can smell home, the familiar scent that i wish i could put into words, a candle.

I could taste you

I could taste you but I'm not able to do that, i have to come clean about my feelings, about how I'm am unconditionally in love with you kiya.

And i wish i could change my feelings because we have such a good friendship, but who in the hell could get over you?

this cant be it
this cant be my life
surrounded by red bubbles and C- on all my papers
some math teacher checking out their high school students
some even falling for it because they think its love
"he only treats me like that in bed" turns into
"he only hits me when hes drunk"
this cant be all that I'm living for
this cant be my life
trading secrets and rumors trying to be one of the "cool kids"
smoking some 5$ **** i bought from my principle until my eyes can only see the blurred lines of my sexuality that I am not supposed to question
My brain thinks of my body image like its crack,
My body covered of stretch marks and bad tan lines,
this cant be the way its supposed to be
this cant be my life
id rather be hit by a car than go to school, and I'd bet I'm not the only student that thinks about killing themselves so they dont have to do homework or get called on in class
This cant be my life
This cant be your life
And this cant be our life
But that's how it is, and it wont ever change.

i miss her
i'm not supposed to, but the feelings are still there,
they will always be there
i know by the way she looks, touches, smiles,
i feel them
not in the romantic since but
in a way that i'm supposed to, the way your supposed miss you friend
we sat together today and she smiled at me the way she used to,
the way when we were together, she smiled like the way we used to after we kissed, held hands with out being worried that we would get caught.
She looked at me after that smile the way she did when she got all excited when her favorite famous person put out a new photo.
Tomorrow i hope she touches me like she did the morning after, like she did the night i was vulnerable, and she ******* all my loose ends.
A week ago she looked like the mornings when it rained all night and its a little foggy, where you can tell its beautiful but you cant see it all.
still feel them, all these feeling that she may or may not have.
i don't know, maybe its just old times trying to make an appearance again, trying to make me feel like more of a person.
she may be moving on and its my brain making me remember all those good times we had so i don't go back to her, so it'll hurt me more,
maybe i'm ******.
maybe being in love with her and her just loving me is equal to being ******.
right now all the lines are blurred, i guess that's  how your you're not straight because its so blurred that you cant see anything but
her.

I want to go to a place,
where everyone is mad.
And no shame comes with that,
Were being a dreamer is not an oddity.

I want to go to a place were there Is,
no 'society', just a community.  
A place that is made up of wallflowers and misfits,
Yet everyone is excepted.

I want to go to a place,
Were people are not fond of
The rules of the status quo.
Were people cant be judged because
Everyone there is similar,
In the way they think,
The way they act,
The way they carry themselves.

I want to go to a place.
Were I am free.
-Kiya Eagen