The street was light
filled to the brim
the most purest place

After a while
and it was no longer purely white

The dark showed up
the street lights came on
shadows were following behind

but then they were gone
and I was alone

how is it I'm so uneasy
how is it that you've been fine
life reveals what it's dealt through seasons
circle comes around each time

you're above
over me
you're feeling the love
above
craving unconditional love

in the grave
going under
my mind starts to blunder
the shouting never rests
my body is shaking
the heart breaking apart

She stares at the bookshelf
The top is cluttered
she cannot bring herself to clean it
For she is too small
Instead cleans from the middle down
It wasn't hard at all
If only she were tall
Then again, she prefers
to be small

I think it's going to rain
when I die
my life doesn't even feel
like its mine
there's a crossed line
and it's fine
if I've already crossed it
I know that I've lost it

The scars written on my skin
they bleed out
and they sink in

My lungs engulfed in flames
and the feeling of being enraged
settles down
resulting in sorrow

Tiredness isn't just physical
it's mentally shattering
my head filled with the wildest things
dreaming of floods and car crashes

Smoke flooding out of my mouth
and liquor coming in
causing me to be given bad coping
just to start it over again

I'm fighting with a mind

that doesn't feel like mine

You promised
Yet you relapsed
And now I'm snapped

I don't know if you know
But you're dazed
stuck in a haze
Won't let yourself escape

You have four beautiful daughters
Yet your mind
is on your own slaughter

I'm sorry I tried
But you ignored my pleas
On my knees
Can't you see?

You're falling
And I can't even stop it
Do you hear me calling?
All you hear is a whisper
My vocal chords are shredded
But it doesn't amount to a thing

You don't know the pain
You're bringing to yourself
All for your own game
In vain you are dying
Slowly I know it
Decaying
Time is ticking
But again
You relapsed

You promised that
Once to a girl crying on the phone
I guess you forgot that girl
Your own daughter
Just because you have free will

I don't know if you just don't care
Or if your demons are there
But I'm here
I can't watch you disappear

I don't understand you
I would like to
You are inside the mirror
we do not exactly get along
I know you are hateful
even mean

You don't have to appease anyone
however I would like you to love me
and in return
I could learn to love you
you, myself

I've tried to refrain
from certain habits
The hurt inside
that comes out from me
Attacking me
Spitting out venom from my lips
creating the edges on my skin
bleeding out from every gashed bruise

The world crashes down
every step I take as I ruin it all
I'm tired of living
have to keep going
a smile can not shield me
I fear for the worst

Listening to myself
it just angers me
I don't even mean to be myself at times
It all just comes out
a tidal wave
that destroys the beach

It would be better
to be a hurricane
that is a better comparison

She loved until she realized it wasn't enough
she gave that him her heart
only for it to be broken
over and over again
He didn't understand her
he wouldn't even talk to her
much less even look at her

She left him
and that was the hardest thing for her to do
As heartbroken as she was
she became a small silhouette
grey surrounding her

Until she met someone else
someone who was similar to her
someone who was shrouded by his own darkness
and she wanted to help him
she wanted him to smile again
because she knew how much it hurt
and she did
she helped him

What started out as a friendship
turned into a beautiful relationship
with dark edges
but the love that they shared fixed that
the story continues
but how will it end?

I think I want to disappear
she said that all I do
is disappear
it couldn't be anymore clear
that I'm not needed here
my fears
were what turned to be truth
all I needed was
to hear it from you
all I seem to do is run
but now I'm permanently faded away

I am letting go of this monster
she has no name
Can't be tamed

She will stay
Crawl inside my bed
as I pray

The monster inside my head
telling me, whispering softly
I am better off dead

I take another breath
maybe the first
maybe the last

my heart beats
maybe the first
maybe the last

the pain
I don't dare speak

I've tried to tell myself that I'm a good person
but at the same time I don't feel like it
I've tried to understand these feelings I have
but it's hard
and I'm not sure what to use as an outlet
whether to hurt myself until I can't do it anymore
or constantly abuse substances that aren't good for my body
I want to stay asleep
but I have to keep going
because that's what we're told to do
"Follow the rules"
For some reason
despite wanting to feel normal
I can't be normal
I can't function correctly

I try everyday to be happy
yet I can't be
I can't choose to be happy
because everything says that it's wrong
my head says that I don't deserve it
and nobody understands that

She led him dead
He said "We bled"
She said “Not fed”

All the things I could say
all the things I could express
but nothing could be enough
I'm not enough
and I know that
just tell me if its what you need
What is it you want?

Let's lay together
in this deathbed
a garden of ashes
Decomposing among them

A god
but of death
I fell in love with you
I'm bound to you
we're bound together

Am I a healer?
Or just a lover of pain?

teeth in the mouth
blood is spilling out
my heart is at an end
never will I say it aloud
but inside it is loud
teeth in the mouth
won't someone get me out

I saw the way that you looked at her
Her eyes were a beautiful pale green
and she had blonde hair
Although I was smiling
I was dying inside

I acted like I was having fun
even when I wasn't
you kept looking at her and leaving me behind
Your hand slipped out of mine
as you walked next to her
and I stayed behind

You were laughing with her
and smiling
you didn't even look up at me
not until I said
I didn't want to go on the swing
but you both did anyway

And I saw her look at me
with a look of guilt
and I looked away
not sure if I was fading away with the music
or if I was fading away with my heart breaking

My chest hurt
and I couldn't breathe at all
I loved you more than words could say
and there you were
looking at her like that
I couldn't make you look at me that way

There was a girl that I used to know
She had beautiful bright hazel eyes and long, wavy brown hair
She was always so cheerful,
so kind,
good at making friends,
making the right decisions.
I saw that girl change though,
she started making up lies
hurting herself
making the wrong friends
wrong decisions
She cut herself to feel something
She drank alcohol to make her forget
to be someone else
She constantly hides behind a mask
and she hurts the ones she cares about
even when she knows what she is doing
I'm scared of what she'll end up being if she doesn't change
but she can't change
she never will
not until the very end
she isn't perfect
she never will be
that's not something that she wants
maybe she wants acceptance
no one knows
not even her
She's struggling to find another way
but she can't find herself because of how lost she is
She has a lover to care for
and yet she can't even stop herself from keeping things from him
she says she is alone
and he only tries to keep that thought out of her head
he even hurt himself to prove to her that
they will go through everything together
it doesn't matter though
not much of it does
the little girl that I used to know
doesn't exist anymore
her heart is still pure
but her mind and heart are fractured
she's just the dull centerpiece of the painting
surrounded by an environment
that she can't handle any longer
but she still continues on
because she knows someone needs her

The waves crashing
against the shore
how it shines and sparkles
like small little crystals

When the moonlight falls
she dances in the shallows
where water meets her bare feet
she spins and then stops to curtsy
Getting back up, she walks father out
and she falls back
into the water she goes

down
down
down

The mermaid of the sea is she
a princess in the deep blue
Her pale, white skin
dots on her face and shoulders

Her fins glisten, sea blue
Her scales glow as her eyes look up
from below the water
up to the moon
Her hair flows around her
and she softly whispers
"One day, I'll see the sun"

I am shaking
as the room caves in
the tears rush down
I can't breathe
unable to scream
unfound
lost
alone
caved in

Closed door
locked
dark
empty
Voices rising from the room upstairs
I'm curled up in a ball unable to move
because of the marks all over my body
and the paralyzing fear inside
and the ceiling is spinning
I'm trapped
crying and hiding

How long has it been?
Three?
Four?
Six?
Ten?
I don't even know anymore
and my eyelids are heavy
Mother and Father
please, be kinder
don't shut the door again and lock it

Knives that are sharp
please, be nicer
don't tarnish my skin any longer

lately i have been crying
for things that are dying
changes are crashing in
the tide has become too deep
buried under the sand
i continue to weep

inside my heart
there have been multiple
those have passed by
stopping at the bus stop
to get off
and never return

wires in my brain
tell me i'm insane
i dare you tell me i'm insane
i know i'm far gone

i need you here
right beside me
for i cannot be
complete
without you
without you

i can't exist alone
i'm dying here
alone again
knowing inside
to let my walls fall

I'm shaking as I take a step forward
breathing heavily
trying to tell myself I can do it
all while the tears are rushing down


An endless night
as you embrace me again
against a bleeding tree
with our hearts beating together
and thorns piercing our skin
Every step is suicide
and I'm still dreading when you leave

Shackles against my wrists
tightening as the chain is pulled
purple and blue
a decoration of my skin
along with scarlet gashes

I am purple
a mark of suffering

Fine lines
The same old lies
In your eyes

When you're dragging along
just trying to pick the perfect song
you're all alone and you're on your own
It's okay to cry
It's okay to say you need me
But yet,
you keep pushing me away
and in the end
you're leading me astray

My eyes start to swell
Tears were the only thing that fell
I always ask myself
What am I doing wrong
Because it seems as though
It's been this long

I've been swimming
Swimming through countless oceans
Trying to find a name
For my condition
I've sunk under waves
Trying to find my place
Trying to assure myself it'll be fine
Only to come across
No, it's not fine
It's not fine anymore and I can say it
I can say it with knowing
That everyday I'm turning
Far away into desolation
My eyes hurt
I want them to close
My heart aches
I want it to be ripped out
Thrown into a lake
But everyone else loves
This ugly mistake
Someone who shouldn't have been
Someone who was carried
Only not to be wanted

Alone I start to break
My memories all clash
The feeling of living slowly faded
From the blood in my veins
I cried out wanting it more and more
Asking God
Why did you save a wretch
Only for this world to break her neck

Could you tell me again what I did wrong?
I know I've done some things
but you should understand

Never hurt you once
at least not intentionally
and for that reason alone
I think you should understand

I tried to be good
and I tried to stay close
but I guess you never knew
who it was that protected you

now you ignore me
and don't answer in the same way
all because of one thing that I didn't mean to say
and I couldn't apologize "in time"

we have been friends for over twelve years
but I guess it doesn't matter to you anymore

you say you don't want
"fake people"
but listen, you're fake yourself
and you can't tell me that I'm wrong for this
because I've known you your whole life
and I know well that you like putting the blame on me
when you're stuck in deep

but this time I'm not going to save you
save yourself this time
and maybe you'll learn from this

that's why I don't care anymore
I'll take a step back
it's okay because I'm used to it
and I don't need anyone

I'll stand by you even after this
but not as close
because true friends stab you in the front
and not the back
I don't want to hurt again after this
and I'll let myself heal from all your inflictions
because the truth is
you never cared either
you just wanted to gain something from me

The words fall from your lips
My heart felt more broken
So I tore out my heart
And presented it to you
However it wasn't the best gesture
As you screamed and threw back
In my face
So I picked it up
Placed it back in my chest
I wasn't feeling the best
So I acted like I wasn't impressed
Not anymore by your beauty

I don't want it to wake up
the evil inside

Despite all the fighting and hiding things
You're still the one that I want
so please don't leave
I'd be alone without you
and I know that I can't live without you
You're the air in my lungs
You're the only one I breathe for
I can't love without you
I can't live without you
I'm sorry for making you cry
I'm sorry that I just didn't try
I can't do anything right
and I know all I'm doing is starting a fight

This relentless world where
I am tormented beyond belief
However
here is an upside down Eden
Saying words that mean nothing
and those that cut in deep

A selfish heroine
with an immense taste
for her own medicine

Looking in the mirror
she said
"do you really represent justice?"

lately it has been getting darker
the days seem to be even harder
where i cannot find a light
nobody can find me
alone in a place so empty

i lay my head down
music is in my ears
sighing; completely angry at the world
where i feel empty
out of place and gloomy

Let me let go of the pain inside
I'm not sure anymore
about anything
I guess I was the dime in the dozen
because you just picked up something else
new and far better

I'm sorry I'm the replaceable one
I didn't realize you were that shallow
and I'm glad I grew up finally

The dull grey world
the one that I see through my eyes
the one that has grief, greed, insecurity
A lot of bad things
and the stillness is overwhelming to me
because I feel nothing
the days go by and I feel nothing at all
I could hurt someone and feel nothing at all
but once I am inside
that home of which I am alone
I cry and I cry
thinking: "What have I done?"
I hear the sounds of my phone going off
and yet I don't dare answer it
I want to but I don't
not until I've done lowering myself even further
I try to be a better person
and I try to act like its fine
but it's weakness that I'm showing
and my feelings are fading away
I'm waiting for the summer
I'm waiting for it all to go away
If there isn't a better tomorrow
than tomorrow is just
another day

My name is not yours
so don't use it in vain
my heart is not yours
so do not bruise it
my life is not yours
so don't tell me how to live it

You never cared about me
so don't pretend like you do

I am a fire
a crying, burning liar
there's nothing
nothing else to blame
but myself

Every inch of me is charred
oh what happened to my heart
I'm about to fall apart

I found myself
hitting the ground

Strike a match
and watch it burn
I'll set the world ablaze
since I'm the one that you blame
watch it burn higher
You have scorched me
torn every inch of me apart

I've learned to accept that I am alone
I may not be okay
but to you
it's fine
because I'm not important
at least not anymore

I'm the one that hurts you, right?
I'm the one that makes you miserable
I drag you down

Maybe I just need better friends
I'm better off alone anyway

Turning pages of unfinished pages
feelings of regret, sadness, numbness
all clashing together in blurs of colors and shapes
Whatever the problem is
it doesn't seem like it ever stops
Guts are spilling
From all the pressure
and the fear that surrounds the air
Crushing, unfolding into messes of my disfigured corpse
Eventually, I will become nothing more

The pain
the pain

the pain of it all it seems too much
but that's all I'll ever be exposed to
Everything just amounts to nothing
this feeling of being unsure
of whatever happiness could be anymore
Maybe I want to cry too
Maybe I want to be selfish for once
_________
"One hit for you and one hit for me"
_________
Continue?
>Yes or No
>y
__________

We're hiding our faces and crying
Behind all the debris from the destruction of our actions
that all amounted to empty words
Wanting to continue on
it's just the way it will work for us in the end
Not able to let go of you
and you not being able to let go of me

"Don't leave"
it all looks like a simple, pitiful cry for help
Doesn't it?
Even if it keeps on falling apart
I will, I will
always keep on loving you.

I was only holding onto fragments and shards of glass
Broken things that are beyond repair
Beyond what I am able to fix
You were drowning and gasping for air
You reached out to me
so I held on and got you out of there

I remember when I responded that "I love you"
and I thought I didn't know it
but it all just came out too fast
but I got rid of that thought
because I knew what I was doing

Did you know, my heart hurts so much
every single part of me that wants to love you
but all the pieces they didn't fit together
so I got a lot of self doubt about it
and I only caused you problems

Whatever the case was
whatever the problem was
I know I don't self doubt anymore
I can't get rid of my known feelings
and I know I'm just spilling out a bunch of nonsense
it never stays clear does it?
Saying something like that
and turning it all around
it's making everything
out of focus....
_____________
UNKNOWN ERROR
>A r e y  ou sur  e  you wa n t  to  q u it  ?
>YeS _ nO
> -/ -/ -/ -/ -/ -/
>DELETING PROGRESS / 100%
> Sh u  tt  in g d  ow   n  ERROR 21XXOEF7328H
________________

Again I breathe you in my lungs
resuscitate me

I think it's all too much
lately it's just been a rush
yelling to myself
"shush"
cannot speak about it
but I'm aching already
I don't know
if I'm starting to eternally bleed
these are the things
of which I cannot speak
I'm sorry if I came off strong
honestly I don't know where it comes from

lately I've just been in my feelings
trying not to say them out loud
but lately it just won't come out
bottle it up so they don't investigate
I'm trying fix all this self hate
the things that are around me just aren't great
can someone help with this self hate?
and not leave me there like an ingrate
sorry for all the things I can't complain
it's all in my head, right?
I can't even say it
so I bottle it up like it's nothing

All that I want to say
it doesn't make sense
does it?
Nothing reflects and it doesn't show correctly
but it doesn't matter I guess
nobody ever makes sense
and nobody ever listens
hardly anyone at all
The yelling and the screaming
it doesn't hurt
I am used to it
I wanted to
I wanted to
I wanted to scream
I wanted to tell you that I was hurting
but I couldn't
I had to fight with everything in me
just to bite my tongue
and to hold back all the tears
I wanted to say goodbye
and do it without saying it
but I couldn't
and I tried running
alas, I couldn't leave you behind
and I wanted to die
on that day
the day that everything had changed
it all became nothing
meaningless words
meaningless memories
of a family that used to be
but now can never be
not how it used to be
and it all never makes sense
it all just dies like yesterday
but it lives on like an insult that never leaves your brain
and that's the saddest part of it
the fact that pain stays
and happiness fades

So, this is it?
I told myself that I could do it
To just die
Is that it?
Maybe that’s easier.
There is nothing as irresponsible as words
I never thought of it, death.

It's fun if you do it seriously
Do not measure with your life
Did you stumble in your way?
What was wrong?
If it is a sweet story,
If you brag about unhappiness proclaim it in your mouth
Please show off all of your labels

Stop your breathing "I’ll do it for you",
Stop your talking "Because I think of you"
These limits of mine are not the same anymore, no longer, do you realize now?
My heart now works differently; you did not know that, huh?
You really don't know.



Do not say “I’m fine.”
Do not say “I’m okay”
You do not know that making minds is different, do you?
I didn’t think so

You feel exhilarating, do you not?
It's easier to have a higher level than me
I cannot do "normal things"
Then tell me what is normal.
I cannot be any good for anything
She says that she is as unnatural as her words
I never even realized it.

It's fun if I die
Take a look at your feet.
Is the stumble in your path a rollercoaster?
Are you walking on a sidewalk?
If it's a sweet story it's poisonous to your ears.
If you brag about unhappiness your mouth will go bad.
Remove all of your labels and never show up again.

Stop your breathing "I’ll do it for you",
Stop your talking "Because I think of you"
These limits of mine are not the same anymore, no longer, do you realize now?
Stop your "I understand", you don't.
Stop your "Everything is okay" when it is not.
My heart now works differently; you did not know that, huh?
You really don't know.
I will not say “I understand" easily,
Because I will not give up easily
I'm breaking the line please let me cross it now.

I walked back and it fell down and this place was a position.
Here is a white line and we’ll put it up a wall that is not here
Leave the door here and fill the key in there.
At least for a while,
Repeat without stopping
Do not ask yourself if it’s alright.

The left hand line and the heart line are not the same
Your heart and my heart are added and it is not "2"
Add a line of the left hand and a line of the mind
So I won’t have to know.

No one knows I cry in my sleep
I wake up feeling horrible
it is a normal procedure for me to feel like this
I'm feeling down
I want to stay home and never leave

Avoiding people isn't normal
but that's what I do for those I don't know
or anyone else I just can't be around
I'm scared of making conversation
and if there is a way around the crowd
I go away
even if it means going the long way somewhere

All my friends have somewhere to be
it's good for them
but I have nothing
I feel like I bother those around me
and I can't control how I feel

I sound mad and annoyed
but really that's my cry for help
my internal panicking keeps me from acting better

I stay up all night wondering why
I'm tired and nervous all the time
why I'm not important
I have so much time so I question everything

"It's just a phase in life"
"You can overcome it"
"Normally teens are prone to the emotions you feel"
"Why do you do this to yourself? Why make us worry?"

Oh well
why don't you tell me?

You whispered something inaudible
as you slipped away from me
The tears were slipping out

Remembering a summer day
where everything was tranquil and pure
Your eyes shone brighter that day
than any other

If I told you a lie
would you believe me?
Sincerely, I think that I wouldn't lie to hurt you
that was never my intention
and it hurts knowing
that I could hurt someone as you

I wanted to tell you
I did
but I couldn't make up the words to say it
I couldn't express myself truthfully
and you ended up thinking that I hated you
when that wasn't even close to it

my words are becoming stale
there isn't exactly a way for me to say it
at least not anymore
I'm taking a breath in
and letting them out slowly
hoping my heart reaches to you
tells you how much I need you

You breathed new life into my veins
the second you lifted me up
in your arms
holding me tightly
just never
please never let me go

Walking down a street that is dull
the rain pours down as I look up
I just wanted to be loved
but I guess I never deserved it

Yellow eyes and dark clothing
The snake that manifested from the devil's smile
Taking a bite of a red apple
and selling away your value
your self worth
that's what it felt like

To be alone in the world
a cruel one with ignorance and corruption
one that I didn't choose to be a part of
and one that I think
I can no longer stay in
or want any part of
I'm just a stressor
I'm just a nobody

I've hurt so much
and I've spoken so little about it
but I've screamed the words out so many times

one of these days i know
that young face of yours
will grow old
but my love for you
will carry on