a gasp of lavender
reaches the parts of me that belong to you
smoke that twists, twirls, transforms
a weapon fleeting but lethal
will it glow inside like it did before
will it emulate your touch
sacrilegious
the false wisps of a former life
rush under my skin
into my blood
it’s not enough
never enough
not you

beauty not created but transferred
your voice flows into the brush
a fluid magic
the shades of your wings reflect it
transferred for me, mine
I’d take any small piece
a fraction of you
to feel it’s warmth emanating
the surface a gentle thing
sparing nothing
every particle I crave

how long can you go on fracturing yourself
splitting your soul into pieces
hiding them in the woodwork of your mind
before the pieces are found?
how long can you live
knowing you’ll never be whole
only a part
how long can you survive in the dark?

mon menton repose dans mes mains, lourd
heures passées à lire, mes paupières tachées pâle rose
la seule évasion de la prison de mon esprit

Pantone noir skies
but a thousand buildings glow
not with light, but life
people working, watching, waiting, living

through the rear window I see thousands of lives
lives unaffected by my presence, unaware
thousands of realities, stories, perspectives even more

humanity reflected in each pane of glass
i yearn to have a human life too

a life of possibility and not restraint
to do, rather than watch

i am a poet in the way i am human
by nature and birth
an intrinsic responsibility to life
to write, to tell, to be heard
but even if i write and share not a single word I am yet a poet
the way a human could live a hundred years in isolation and still be just that

how much longer can I lie
and say I like it alone
because what started off as truth
has grown into a big blackhole
I’ve been burying myself in the sand
and hiding from the sun

looking at you was like coming home
a lovely sort of comfort that grew with each passing second
street signs flying by like a haze of false memories
of what could have been
an impossible dream

they say to be loved by a poet
is to be immortal

paper containing a lifetime
a museum of memories
both lived and unlived
what was
and what had the potential to be

features equated to celestial bodies
moments and emotions in detail
each laugh memorialized

when your touch is golden sunlight
and your gaze blooming daisies
it’s hard to act normal
hard to think straight

when your laugh is a chord that rings
and your movements a choreography
the sound of your voice dewy and familiar
it’s difficult to pretend
but I’m used to it

I ignore how the sun turns your eyes to honey, soft and saccharine
how my heart responds when you look up at me through foggy glasses
I ignore the way you light up when you tell your convoluted stories
how the world is brighter when you’re beside me

because in the end it’s meaningless
amounting to nothing more
I never win
I’ll just keep dreaming of being yours

it hurts
when you can feel an ocean inside
waves crashing into the boundaries of your mind
begging for release
to reach the shore
denying them, holding them back like a well-built dam
not a single drop gets through this facade

I’m an actor
in a role I never auditioned for
one I never wanted
one thrown upon me by the cruel hands of society
family
is this life better than none?
three months
I whisper to the face in the mirror
one I have never recognized
one that is not my own

i hope one day to look
and find myself looking back
a true reflection
real and not imagined
but for now I do my best
with whispers
the tears I cannot release
sweaters in the biggest size
corners to curl into
alone when I can imagine
how I’ll look when I’m me
not you

be friendly
personable
but always know your place
only speak when spoken to
perhaps if you behave you will find a nice husband
be a good wife

raising me in her image
it’s a facade
I’m fractured
a picture from long ago
broken and never properly repaired
the shards put back wrong

a smiling photo of a girl i don’t know
darling daughter
know your place
smile but not too long

black velvet lawns
daylight long gone
the sharp burn of streetlights
illuminating your eyes
striking and stark

with your hand resting on my knee
i find it increasingly hard to breathe
you and me
we ebb and flow like the deep blue seas
flowing by pattern, but always lying in wait of the tide to come
always wondering “are you really the one?”

dark red rose
crumbles under the weight of darkness
falls apart into thousands of pieces
each one morphing into small black spiders as they hit the cement floor
scattering
running to hide from the impending moon’s glow
into the safety of the dark

would you love me if i were normal?
if I could hold hands and laugh without peril?
if i could meet you halfway
if i could say the three words?
would you love me if i weren’t so irreverent, if i could show how much i care?
would you love me like the sun loves the moon
an unbroken bond
eternal

i stare at your celestial glow
waning and quiet but speaking volumes to all who listen
i crane my neck up to you and listen
i hear the undying hope of those who have suffered
the moon will rise
the moon will rise again
it is a constant and a beautiful one at that
a gentle reminder that you’ve made it another day on earth
a promise
i hear the whispers of billions
sad laments, happy memories, and everything in between
when I speak, do you listen?
do you hear my voice among billions
do you differentiate each person’s sorrow
do you even hear me at all?

the odious night’s darkness
crept into her heart
put its hands around the muscle
and squeezed

do you know how hard it is
to have a million thoughts in your head
but no words to speak?

to be screaming “help me”
but no one can hear you?

to be smiling
but having tears drip from your eyes,
betraying your true feelings

to respond to someone in your head
only to realize you never really replied

they call you quiet
but they don’t know how loud you really are

this wasn’t supposed to be my life
this wasn’t how it was supposed to go

what happened to me?
where did all of my happiness go?

1-4
she sat in boxes
she never smiled

4-7
she talked too much
she spoke too loud
she never stopped moving around

7-10
she was smart
she was kind
she was the only one who held the door open for the teacher as she walked by

10-13
she was sad
she was alone
she listened to music
she stared at the wall

13-15
she was obedient
she was academic
she followed along with everyone else

15-16
she was tired
she was burnt out
she isolated herself
she was still alive

i love you today
i’ll hate you tomorrow
you make me
cry
laugh
want to die
i was three years old
when i found you
like love at first sight
i studied you
for hours at a time
you took me in
and gave me a place
but now i’ve lost you
and it pains me to say
i’ll never love you
like i used to

so can we just restart?

hi i’m rhys

grew up smart
gifted, bright
told I could do anything
be anything
now at sixteen
burnt out
tired
things don’t come as easy
and it pains me
that maybe I’m not as smart
as I seem to be
a fraud
a broken brain
in an exhausted shell
I don’t know who I am
or how to fix this hurt
I had this plan
all laid out
how my life was supposed to go
and now my dreams are crumbling
I keep running but my dreams keep getting farther away
every step I take
this wasn’t supposed to be my life
happy innocent ten year old me
looks ahead to this darkness
and mourns our childhood
a time to which we can never return
my face, a facade, hiding this pain
masking, burnout, the cycle goes on
why can’t you hear me screaming
help me
gifted kids grow up
get depression
anxiety
etc
I, a gifted kid, need help too
I, a gifted kid, wish I were you
but why can’t I ask for help?

the wind whispers and runs its fingers through her hair
a melody in her ears, the salt in her tears
the darkness in her heart beware

hands flutter at the speed of light
tingle in my brain, extremities float like a kite
overflowing with good
not staying still like I should
floating up to the stars
stimming to the moon & back
a magical joy, an incredible hack
flap my wings, fly so high
flap my wings up to the sky

I am who I’ve always been, the scales have just fallen from my eyes
I’m no longer deceived by you and your lies

I watch them talk, express, emote
Studying every movement, every smile, I take note
Compiling the data in an organized fashion
Psychology books I devour with an unbridled passion
Putting on a mask like I’m at a masquerade
Underneath lies a little girl, alone in a big arcade
Practising my laugh in front of a mirror
Wiping away tears just to see it clearer
Searching “how to identify sarcasm” late into the night
Sore, tired eyes from my phone’s bright light
Relapsing into tears
Ridicule is one of my biggest fears

Why can’t I be like everyone else?

this cut
bleeds
more than the rest
this cut
is how
her feelings are expressed
this cut
flows
like words of a psalm
this cut right here
this one’s for you, mom

deep green forest lit by the faraway sun
leaves crunch under his step, echoing the blast of a gun
her dirtyblonde hair tainted crimson red
some things are better left unsaid
they say fetch the profiler whose sanity is challenged
maybe he’ll notice the parts that were salvaged
look at the ritual, the signature, the crime
what is the significance, what is my design?
remove my glasses, step into his mind
sometimes I wish I had been born blind
analyze the evidence, make the connections
step out of the box that controls your projections
there is no one disorder to explain
the things that go on inside of my brain

bright lights, background noise
all blurs into one big wall
my brain can’t process
all these things at once
I stare at other girls
copy their mannerisms
hiding myself
from the outside world
when I get home
I run into my room
take of this mask that I’ve worked so hard
to develop
only to hide everything about myself
everything that makes me me
just so I don’t get laughed at
made fun of
again
I feel like an alien
dropped down on an unfamiliar earth
having to fit in
pretending to be like everyone else
but not understanding
a single thing
sarcasm, cues, it’s all bologna
where are these rules written
give me the book
I’ll study it forever and still not get it
but at least I’ll seem normal
right?
I stop myself when I get too excited
my dad gives me a weird look
when I talk about the brain
an infinitely complex ***** that contains our whole life
my body is a mere appendix
I tell my friends about Latin etymology
did you know the hippocampus is named after the seahorse?
I hold my hands tightly
to prevent myself from shaking them around
like I want to
social hierarchy
what is it
how does it work and how do you know it
how many seconds do I stare into your eyes
my seven-two rule I sometimes despise
I immerse myself in fictional worlds
observing the characters
how they talk smile and move
taking notes
making flashcards
all to appear
normal
did it work?
it must have, right?
been fooling everyone for sixteen years
and it’s taking its toll
on me
it’s hard
it was easier when I was a kid
you just play beside another kid
but now there are rules I have never learnt
sarcasm is more prevalent
just smile and laugh right?
but what if you can’t even identify it
always never enough
criticism is my worst enemy
my grades have to be perfect but why
why
I’m the smartest person in any room
I’ve ever been in
but I have to appear normal
normal
neurotypical
allistic
hiding myself
but why
imagine a world where everyone
was like me
and this mask would never
even have existed
there would be no stress
I’d already fit right in
perfectly
no mask
no hiding
flapping my hands and talking
about the brain
about moths
about criminal minds
without judgement
it sounds like a dream
it actually was
but this world is far more difficult
I walk through a mall shutting myself in
because if I don’t I’ll explode
I close my eyes right as the bright flood lights pierce my brain
I smile as the background noise hits me like a wall of unfamiliar loud pain
I hide it well
sometimes
after a while it gets bad
I run and find a dark store
a worker asks me what do you need today
I run back out and feel bad for days
people talking, coins rattling
it all blends together
I can’t imagine a world
where it doesn’t
where my parents would let me
wear my headphones
without taunting me
a world where I have never been called
*******
stupid
******
loser
sensitive
from everyone
I can mask well
and that’s my downfall
because nobody ever notices
how hard I struggle
deciphering these looks
their tone of voice
they’re joking right?
years later I realize they weren’t
they were making fun of me
but you see
I wouldn’t change my brain
believe it or not
it is who I am
the feeling of telling people about my interests, watching my favourite tv shows, happy stimming, listening to music, my near perfect memory, recognizing patterns in everything
it’s a blessing and a curse
but it’s who I am
I couldn’t imagine life without the excitement and passion I have now
the feeling of flapping my hands and jumping
nothing beats that
the brain blur and tingle
the dopamine flooding my brain
it can be good
even if the bad is still there
this world wasn’t designed for me
and I’m starting to realize that
it was designed to exclude me
other people must look at me and think wow
she’s so strange
but I’m thinking the same about them
they walk around and go to parties
how are you? I’m doing well, how are you?
it’s nonsensical
I’ve learned to copy them
but at what cost
is losing myself worth it all
unmasking is incredible
but it can be dangerous
the bullying, the criticism
even from your own parents
can sting
everything I’ve ever been called as an insult
I remember it
I remember it all
I wish people could understand
I’m not Sheldon Cooper
I’m not a robot
I probably have more emotion than you
I show it differently
I put on this mask to prevent hate
from this society
that is so ableist
sixteen years of my life I’ve fooled everyone
I wish I could go back and start over
be the little alien I felt like inside
not worry about the monsters
because they weren’t under my bed
they were everywhere else

she stares at the pages in front of her face
funny to think a few sheets of paper determines her place
her self-worth molded my that single number
exhausted from the stress, all she wants is to slumber
she taps the pencil against her chin
every student watching her, but this time she doesn’t grin
she feels the pressure, the stares, the looks
if her grade’s not over ninety, what’s the point of the books?
she tries so hard not to crack
with thoughts running fast on a race-track
she goes to bed with tears in her eyes
not knowing what the next day will bring when she’ll arise
...and do it all again.

the flame of a candle flickers in the dark
her wrists are bleeding from the rope that’s been leaving a mark
she can hear the rain coming down outside
a single tear falls from her eye
the dark cellar walls are closing in
a bead of sweat forms on her skin
locked in this cellar just like a tomb
there is no escape from this lifeless room

she knows there’s nothing that can be done
his last day to live had just begun
she wants to scream, to shout, to flee
to spend just one more morning sipping coffee on the dock
and he’ll come up behind her and start to talk
about his adventures when he was young
he’ll chuckle, he’ll laugh, he’ll click his tongue
“soon he’ll be back” she tells herself
and they’ll have that morning sipping coffee by themself
all she wants is for that day to come
“wake up, wake up” she whispers in his ear
knowing full well the person she knew is no longer here
family starts to say their goodbyes
they know this isn’t the end, but they still start to cry
the man they once knew, strong and tough
was brought down to nothing, and that’s enough
to make a person lose hope
death really is a slippery *****
but she knows that the day will come
when she’ll see him hammering nails in the heat of the sun
as she leans her head on his chest
she says goodbye and let’s him rest

they said she would never feel the rain
see it gently pour again and again
watch dewdrops settle on fresh green grass
or feel caerulean waves crash over her back
they said she would never feel the breeze
get lost in forests emerald green
yet she steps outside with her heart on her sleeve
the world and its beauty just within her reach
slow shallow breaths she manages to choke out
crying for help but she’s unable to shout
her hope she knew was too good to be true
an unfamiliar world blurred before her eyes
all it was was beauty in disguise
red and blue lights accompanied by sirens
but she knows they’re too late to prevent her silence
they said she would never feel the rain
because all she ever knew was the feeling of pain

my life is a rollercoaster ride
the feeling of a hundred butterflies fluttering
the euphoria and adrenaline of accelerating down the drop at eighty miles an hour
until it’s all over and you’re left
speechless
wondering how the good times went by so fast