I'm in a war
between making myself happy
or taking care of everyone around me
i provide good emotions and feelings to those who are sorrowful, an ear to anybody that needs to voice their thoughts, and body to anyone who needs companionship.
although i often find myself melancholy, lonesome  and wondering if i will ever have someone that i could call upon in my times of despair to comfort me.

i told him everything today
and that if he wanted to love me
he would have to help me
help myself
i've said this to people before
they all left after some time
they couldn't handle it
but he's different
he understood, he talked to me
about everything
and for the very first time in my life
i could tell he wasn't lying
he would be there
to love me and help me
help myself
and love him too.

It's not the same
As it once was
I was sad, you went out
All night
No call, no reply
The nights that I spent
Crying, depressed
With a melancholy outlook for life.
Now I enjoy myself, I have friends
While you are waiting on me
But the jokes on you,
you'll be waiting forever.

where the shore and the skyline meet
out into the distant horizon
is where i finally feel complete
the feeling of wholeness washes over me
as the waves greet my body
descending into an unknown deep
so that i may stay complete.

when i think of you,
all of my emotions go into a blender,
inside my mind, and it's on the highest level.
when im with you, im at a loss for words, nervous and weak bodied.
being with you makes me feel like myself. and even when everything around me is falling apart, all i need is your embrace and i'll be okay.

you have destroyed me,
in every way possible.
but i cannot leave you alone.
i am nothing but a small child,
and you my security blanket,
that i never want to be separated from.

how foolish could I be?
to think, that he loved only me.

You ignore me, dont read my messages.
I came to your house today, to try and talk to you,
one last time,
before we turn into nothing.
nothing but broken hearts and memories.
i havent eaten in three days,
i shake like a leaf.
i puke everyday,
and i cant sleep.
you go out with her,
shes a filthy *****.
you gave up the one person,
that tried to save you.
the one person, that loved you.
that still does.
and the depressing thing is,
that im trying to contact you,
i want to see you one last time,
to hear your voice,
and most importantly,
*i just want my stuff back.

you came by last night.
you came to get your things.
to tell me it was over.
I haven't eaten in two days.
I cant stop shaking, crying.
this mental deterioration,
is just too much to handle.
I sat with you for two hours.
trying, begging, pleading
for you to stay with me.
but things aren't that simple,
are they?
I can't sleep. I cant function.
my first love, the one that promised forever.
has left me for a *****, a ****.
she would never do the things,
that I did, she would never endure
the pain that I did. all for you.
you caused me depression,
you say you still care,
but why aren't you acting like it?
everything could be better,
if you just wanted to talk to me.

He was a mighty Sitka spruce
In the dense forest,
Always stretching for new heights,
But I was nothing but a bonsai tree,
Small, beautiful to look at, yet
Extremely fragile and insecure

waking up was hard this morning.
hearing my alarm instead of the ringtone,
that I set for you.
it was rough getting out of bed,
when I didn't have you to get up to.
the loneliness is almost too much to handle,
but I do it, for you, for us.
I don't want to think of you,
giving another what you give to me.
so I endure the depression, loneliness
all for the fantasy of us.

New life and new beauty,
Meet with depression and anxiety.
The sun's rays feel warm against my skin,
Yet I remain in a melancholy state of mind.
It is because of you,
The one that drives me absolutely insane,
The one that deceives and hurts me,
And feels no remorse for doing so.
Yet, you are also the one
That pulls me in closer on the bed,
That holds my hand on long car trips,
That looks into my eyes, with a fooling look,
And whispers, "I love you so much."
You destroy me and re build me.
Giving me Spring Sadness.

Today, is the day.
The day that I tell you
How I really feel.
Used to love you so,
But it might be time
To let you go
For you see,
We have different ambitions
And we may be soul mates,
But alas, we have come together
At the wrong time.

Why the hell can't you show me,
That I mean something to you?
The only time you tell me you love me,
Is when we're *******.
You only want to come get me late at night,
As if you're ashamed of being seen with me.
I just don't understand.
You're supposed to be a man,
Yet you do such childish things.
Why can't you just break my heart and get it over with?
Instead, you sit and torture me.
Calling me and talking to me one moment,
Ignoring me the next.
Why the hell can't you tell me anything?
You tell me you care about me,
But actions speak louder than words.
Often, I sit alone and wonder why I can't bring myself,
To end such a toxic thing.
But when you come to mind,
I can see only the good.
When we cuddle, when you grab my hand,
Those summer days, and summer nights
We spent doing whatever we wanted to do.
Now it's just bitterness and silence.
My mother always told me,
"Baby you're far too nice to this boy, why do you let him treat you this awful? You deserve better."
It took me this long,
But she was right.
You aren't ****,
And no longer will you control me.

Look into my eyes,
And tell me about your dreams.
No matter how silly you think they are,
They will always be beautiful to me.
Let me be the one you call,
When you're up late at night,
Because you can't sleep,
And I'm the one you choose to talk to.
Make me the one you come home to,
Whether it's been a long day,
Or a short one.
I love you.
With a passion that could fill a thousand lifetimes,
That could bring death back to life,
With the dedication of history's greatest armies,
And the depth of the lowest point in the deepest sea.
I just want to be the one you fall asleep next to,
and the one you wake up to in the morning.

Stop infecting me
With your false feelings
Of love and hope for us
I am no longer under
Your wretched control
I am a wildflower,
And you are the fire
That thought it could destroy me

Deep in the waters of the beautiful coral reefs are where you'll find her.
She doesn't like to be seen
But when the tides are right,
She will reveal herself to you.
*She is the most enchanting mermaid of the salty sea

Life is filled with constant negativity
It's always the same thing.
You can't do anything right,
Just stop trying to help,
This is all your fault.
You are nothing
And even in times of sadness,
What is most important to remember,
Always love yourself. Surround yourself with positive vibes.
Find something that can make you happy.
Writing, reading, playing a game, being with a certain person,
If it really makes you happy baby,
Don't let anybody take that away from you.
Everyone deserves to live a happy life.
Whenever you are sad, I want you to read my words
Be a beacon of positivity in a depressing world.

The sun rays penetrated my room and woke me this morning.
I turned over you give you a kiss,
But you weren't in bed with me.
I got up and got in the shower.
I walked into my room, expecting you to be waiting for me,
Like you always did.
But you weren't.
Everything I do now, is just a bittersweet memory.
I can't enjoy my favorite things in life anymore.
*Because all I think about is you.

You told me many times,
"You'll find someone better."
I want you to see into my mind, darling.
You are my sun, my moon, the first thought of the morning and the last one at night.
Yet I often find myself thinking, why do I allow myself to please someone,
*when they cannot give me the time of day.

The sun is out again.
I can feel her warm rays,
Caressing my body.
She feels so nice,
After a deep frozen winter.
She thaws out the land around me.
I can hear the water flowing.
I can see the wildlife around me.
And I know that warm weather,
And perfect days,
Are on their way to me.

Seeing.
Complete darkness in the wilderness
Mushrooms coming up on the stumps
Looking up into the beautifully clear night sky
Seeing every constellation illuminated by the moon.
Hearing.
The twigs I break as I swiftly step to the opening
The insects blaring their night time melody
I sense something beyond my sight.
Hear the mighty beast as it stalks in the shade of night.
Feeling.
Soft, damp earth under my bare feet
Running my hands along the craggy old trees
Stepping over rocks to avoid being slowed
A swift run in the woods.
Tasting*
Sweat drips down with blood into my mouth
I hate that rusty flavor.
But alas, I have fallen, and the beast is upon me
Consuming me into the everlasting darkness
That I tried so hard to escape.

Salty air, wet hair.
Sun shining bright,
Sand warming my toes.
Watching waters,
Rise and fall.
Oh look!
A small sea star,
In a tidal pool.
This is my home,
Where I really belong.
No matter where I am,
*I will always be part of the sea.

You consume my entire life
Your smile is that of the sun,
It brightens my day, and makes me feel warm.
Your eyes are the cool lake that I want to dive into.
Your embrace makes me feel protected and safe.
Yet, your cold words leave me up all night.
Your cold shoulder freezes me to my core.
You tear me down until I'm reduced to ruble, just to build me back up again.
You are the vast ocean, and I, a tiny ship.
And I'm drowning in you.

And I'm thinking about you,
About leaving you.
It might be serious this time.
You said you'd be here for me,
When I needed you, any time
Any day, just a call away.
But I've tried to call,
And I've texted, but no reply.
It's four a.m.
And I'm thinking about you.