I saw you being pulled in a million directions
With so many opportunities,
New faces and places,
And that I was an anchor.
You would never tell me that,
Because you’re kind,
And you’re lovely,
And you see the best in everything and everyone,
But I know it’s true, because
I saw you.

So I took myself out of the equation—
I would rather watch you fly untethered,
Free of me
Than to be your ball and chain
Dragging you away from
The bright world in front of you,
The bright world you deserve.
I took myself out of the equation
Because I love you more than myself.
I wish I could put myself back in the equation every day,
But I have already been factored out,
A stray, pesky variable.
I mourn the solution to the equation everyday,
But your eyes still shine when I’m not around,
So I must have done right by you,
Even if not by myself.
I know, because
I saw you.

There’s a line in a book somewhere that says,
“She was the last person to look at me
And see me looking back,”
Or something like that.
And that’s how I feel about you—
You’re the last person to see me,
To really see me,
But I don’t see you looking back anymore.
I’m still here, looking back at you,
Even if sometimes it feels like we’re strangers,
But I look at you and see everything we’ve ever been,
Everything we are,
And everything we’ll ever be.
I look at you and almost remember what joy was,
What love was,
What belonging was,
What safety was.
Sometimes it makes me want to fall apart
All over again.
Sometimes I wonder if I should fully factor myself out
Of the equation,
But your pull on me is too strong,
And then
I see you.

inches from me
but further than the grand canyon
i know every part of you
like the lines on my hands
yet you can be
a stranger in my presence
“hello, nice to meet you
i’m reality coming to call
no matter how much you fool yourself
you came into this world alone,
and you’ll leave it the same way”
the chasm in my chest widens
without provocation
i wish i could make sense
of these swimming thoughts
in my mind
of anything at all
maybe then i could get some rest.

Walking downtown, accompanied by my old friends Loneliness and Self-Pity,
I catch glimpses fleeting
Between the window panes
Of the curves and edges that make up
Me.
I grapple with how those two people
Two contradictory people
Came together to make up contradictory
Me.
A lump rises in my throat
As the intrusive thought overcomes me:
I am the worst of two contradictory people.
I am his need
To always be the smartest in the room,
To follow my whims and ambitions,
To leave.
I am her mouth drawn shut
Because to share myself is to lose myself
Even though there is nothing left to lose.
I am her need to be in the driver’s seat
To take control
Because the universe has already taken so much.
I have his Wanderer’s heart
But her feet keep me Grounded.
Ah, but you see,
I have taken these things
And made them something completely my own!
Now that I am self-aware,
I overthink these traits until
I am on the brink of Insanity,
Riddled with Anxiety,
And completely isolated in a
Prison of my own making.
Maybe there are people who would help,
But my lips are drawn shut,
And I am good at leaving.
So I walk downtown alone,
With my good friends Loneliness and Self-Pity,
Unsure of whether the wetness on my cheek
Is the falling of tears or rain,
And not caring which one is the Truth.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To unscrew your head
When it all becomes too much?
I would put it in the corner
Of my closet
Next to the old shoes
And articles I’m not bold enough to wear
So I could get a break
From the tsunami thoughts raging inside.
And it would all be quiet.
Then I would pick it back up, and
***** it back on my neck
When my shoulders are strong enough
To bear the weight once again.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To unzip your skin
When you’re crawling and itching
To get out?
I would lay it down
Where it wouldn’t get
Too *****
And I would stand with my
Arms open wide
As I feel the wind
Rattle around my old bones.
And I would be free.
Then I would pick it up,
Dust it off, and
Put it back on when I got chilly.

Wouldn’t it be nice
To hide your mouth
When it pains you to smile?
I would put in the bathroom drawer
Next to my contacts
And the makeup I use to
Mask my insecurities.
And all would be calm.
Then I would pull it out, and
Place it back on my face
Once my cheeks have stopped hurting
And I am ready to greet the day once again.
Except a smile doesn’t mean a **** thing
When you can see the melancholy pools
In my eyes.
I guess it’s not a perfect solution.

Blue skies,
Clear, endless, and free;
Sunflowers standing tall,
Unyielding to the wind;
Daisy chains,
Woven carefully just for me;
Fluffy, funny little puppies,
Floppy ears, big paws, and wagging tails;
Car windows down, driving fast,
Arm out the window, wind whipping my hair;
Singing at the top of our lungs,
Our own personal concert;
Breathless laughter brings me to the brink,
Ribs hurting, stomach aching, and heart full;
Smiles so wide my cheeks my break,
And if they do, it would be okay;
Shared looks, silently saying we understand each other,
Your eyes are a one-way mirror to my heart;
Holding hands in the dark,
This beautiful braid of fingers;
Sitting with a circle of friends,
Knowing that that we all belong to each other;
Succulent strawberries,
Sweet and ****, juice dribbling down chins;
Splitting a chocolate bar with a friend,
Simple, pure, and rich;
A pretty sundress,
Sun on my shoulders and a pep in my step;
A good eyeliner day,
Sharp, precise, and controlled;
A really good song,
Reverberating through my soul, written just for me;
Laying with you, eyes closed,
Not wanting to be anywhere else;
This is what I think happiness is.

I want to see you in the summer
Sitting at the edge
With our feet in the water.
The ice creams in our hands melt
As the temperature gets hotter.
We don’t speak as we eat,
But we don’t have to,
Because the silence between us is not uncomfortable.

I want to see you in the moonlight
When we would walk so far that my feet bled,
Our eyes fixed on the road ahead-
But you walk close to me
And turn on your flashlight
Because you know that I am scared of the dark.

I want to see you in during autumn
When the leaves are the color of your hair.
Your words are so carefree it’s not even fair.
We look cozy in sweaters;
I’d be cozier if I was closer to you,
But you forge a path ahead,
And I follow you.

I want to see you illuminated
A dim glow cast on your features
By a 1980s horror film.
It doesn’t scare me, yet I wish it did
Because then maybe you would hold me,
But I wouldn’t pretend, because to you I would not lie.
This is just a movie between two friends: you and I.

I want to see you in the wintertime
Red cheeks and nose
Mine are too,
But not from the cold-
I think about these things as I’m hit by a snowball from you.
You laugh while I pretend to be mad
As the cold infiltrates my shirt,
But I don’t feel it,
Because we all know that I’m burning for you.

I want to see you every which way
Dressed up, dressed down;
Distressed or acting like a clown;
Excited, acting with reckless abandon;
Content, allowing me to see you undone.
I want to see it all,
But right now, I want to see you.

I’ve lived my life in the pursuit of the truth,
(You can’t handle the truth.)
Constantly looking for an ounce of proof
To confirm my narrative.
(****, you’d be a good politician-
If only you had the stomach for it.)

I’ve lived my life inside my head
(Tell me about this place you live-
Is the space a shoebox or ******* massive?)
Fighting my corner until my knuckles bled.
(Your knuckles bled, eh?
Surprised you put in that much effort.)

I’ve lived my life trying to be right
Because to be anything else
Is unacceptable
And frankly, it is not in my blood.
(Oh, sweetheart, there are a lot of things
That are not in your blood.
If only you knew-)

I’ve ignored so much
In pursuit of the truth,
In pursuit of my truth.
I’ve walked with my eyes and ears closed
Assuming that the cars would miss me
If I wander too far to the left.
A lot of the time my pursuits fail,
But a lot of the time I am successful.
This time, I have read all the books
And my senses are opened.
So please tell me, how come
When I’m proven right,
When I’ve gotten what I wanted,
It cuts me just as deep as when I’m wrong?

(You seek the truth,
But you do not truly seek it.
You seek the easy truth,
The convenient truth.
But sometimes, that truth does not exist
And you must brace yourself for that.
You are capable of that,
For you are stronger than you realize.
To hurt is not to be wrong,
It is to be human,
To feel,
To be alive
And be aware of the fact-
Not such a bad thing to be,
If you ask me.)