I've told myself that I don't miss you so many times, it feels like I'm starting to believe it. That's what they always tell you to do, right? "Fake it 'til you make it, baby."
I'm trying to be gentle with my words because I don't want this to be another angry poem. I've written far too many of those and they are always about you.
It's summer now and I'm loving you in raindrops. In swimming pools and stars. The thing is, I don't remember loving anyone but you.
Maybe this has gone on for far too long. It's been nine months and more than half of that time was spent waiting for you.
Waiting for your call, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to love me half as much as I love you.
It has always been about what you want, and when it was most convenient for you. All of this has made me more vulnerable than I ever wanted to let myself be.
I remember someone once told me that love can be a form of self harm. I always loved hurting myself which would explain why i chose you.
Love is supposed to be gentle, and joyful, not full of sorrow and tears and pain.
Baby, it's always so dark when you are gone. I keep telling myself I won't let you do this, I won't let you leave and come back whenever you want to be reminded of us, but every time you do come back, I get caught up in the moment and the way you're so good with words and I'm under your spell again.
I can't function without you, but the feeling isn't mutual. I miss you the way I promised myself I wouldn't miss anyone. But I think I'm finally done waiting.

I FINALLY REALIZED THERE'S A WAR GOING ON INSIDE MY CHEST BETWEEN THE PART OF MY HEART THAT HATES YOU AND THE ONE THAT LOVES YOU LIKE IT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T. I REMEMBER LOVING YOU LAST YEAR AND THIS YEAR AND NINE HOURS AGO. YOU'RE GONE NOW AND YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ANYTHING FOR ME TO REMEMBER YOU BY. I'VE SEARCHED FOR YOUR DUST IN THE CREASES OF MY BED SHEETS AND I BET YOU'D BE GLAD TO KNOW I FOUND NOTHING. I FOUND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND I'M SORRY I STILL TASTE BLOOD ON MY TONGUE EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS YOUR NAME. I'M SICK OF HEARING PEOPLE SAY THAT I JUST NEED TO FORGET YOU BECAUSE I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING INCLUDING TOUCHING OTHER MOUTHS WITH MY OWN, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP REMEMBERING YOU EVERY TIME I OPEN MY EYES AND SEE THEIR EYES ARE THE SAME COLOR AS YOURS. I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO STOP WRITING ABOUT YOU BUT I JUST CAN'T STOP TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW I MISSED YOUR TOUCH EVEN BEFORE YOU WERE GONE, HOW NO MATTER WHERE I GO I SEE YOUR FACE IN STRANGERS AND NO MATTER WHERE I GO YOU'RE ALWAYS ALMOST THERE.

My stomach turns as I awake, I try to catch my breath. My chest heavy as some part inside me shouts your name.

My mind understands your gone but my soul looks for you. It feels detached to you. It wants you, it needs you, it's confused in search of you.

Some part of me thinks you belong with me, you belong to me, how can I make it understand you're gone and, not coming back when this part of me is missing you.

-InTheWorldOfCyn

It comes to you in your darkest days,
disguised in a familiar face,
It whispers words you've waited for,
uttered with eloquence & grace.

It touches your skin, holds your face,
Then consumes your self worth without care.
It hides behind a mask, planning & scheming,
leaving you unaware.

It hugs you as you dry your eyes,
it fills your head & heart with lies.
It utters hollow apologies with no intention of change,
It shouts vulgarities in a crowded coney island,
Filling you with embarrassment & shame.

It fakes compassion as you wait to hear,
whether you may indeed have cancer,
You question why it chose you?
but you never get an answer.

It prays at every meal,
mocking God without fear,
It attacks your reputation, your humanity,
and all that you hold dear.

It hides behinds friends, half truths,
and a sea of endless lies,
It marinates in every excess,
so it never has to open its' eyes.

You cannot give it love, expect empathy, or regret,
It is never satisfied because its true needs are not being met.

I'll never understand the cruelty,
the why or even how,
But some things have no answer,
and it no longer matters now.

Despite what has been DONE TO ME,
This I will always implore,
Evil may destroy this world,
But FAITH, HOPE, & LOVE
WILL win the war.

A pile of SECRETS and LIES and you call it love.
Your life is passing you by.
You're frozen in time.
You're holding your breath.
You're a statue waiting for something that's NEVER going to happen.
Yet you call it love.
It's NOT love.