Yet the yearning in my heart desires more

A single dream
Was all it took to break me

A life far more complex than mine,
I'll grant that it was not ideal.
A life filled with choices too asinine
to consider how it would make me feel
But doing anything, to look as right in that dress,
An honest truth, admittance, I'll acquiesce.

All it took to break me
Was to wake up from that dream

The world fades for just a moment,
A single instant with nothing afore me.
This is different from normal, that's clear.
Not the sudden loss of time I fear
Will set the anxieties of she
Who could never read my intent.

Yet gazing into my reflection,
My eyes see once again,
I return exactly where I left.
This time, I'm not bereft
Of what is torn in twain
From my perception.

This time was different,
Though as exactly why,
I'm ignorant.
But I won't let my mind die.

My life is one born of instinct;
I act, I do not think.
Your accusations are indistinct,
but rational.
How could I possibly argue your truth?
Still, I feel my heart sink.
Perhaps I'm too lost in my youth.
My intrinsic patterns proved fatal.

Calling me a prepubescent child felt unneeded though.

It is maddening
To see you suffer so much
Your fields dry, barren.

I wish I could help
But my desert is arid
I've no rains to share

Instead I must watch
See as your life empties out
History repeats

A moment more akin to eternity,
Yet an option otherwise is something to fear.
I have days when I want her,
Yet more days when I don't.
I must live without the clarity
Of what I really want so dear;
Maybe it's simpler to just endure,
Even if I know I won't.

The loneliness hurts,
But it's all I know.

Does it bring you sick joy?
Or do you even notice what you do?
You broke me like some toy,
And still my only purpose is to annoy...
Don't you get that?

I'm afraid of you.

See me cower away into the background
Any time you look my way;
I try to spread your words around,
But your presence clammed up what I needed to say.
But you like that.

You love to be feared.

This place feels safer
This blanket of night holds me
I thought you would know

But I guess I'm wrong
My eyes cannot see the truth
Because you're long gone

I think I'll miss you
But only when I'm awake
Always preferred sleep

The rain soaks through my skin to bone,
Holding me here as I push forth alone;
To forgive of sins I've refused to atone.
But as my feet bare cold against hardened stone
The voices return to me, a ceaseless drone
Of hatred and misgivings too oft overblown,
And I lose myself again, refusing to condone
Every action I've taken, creating a throne

Of self-important misery.

But then I see your eyes afore me,
And I find my place again.

A month has gone by
My skies sparkle afore me
Opportunity

Fog rolls thick through pervading waves,
Obscuring the stars the heart of man craves,
My ship, lost in mist, must fade away,
Never again to see a new way
To escape from the sadness we all feel deep,
And to lose ourselves in the beauty of sleep,
But maybe that's not so bad.

We write our best art when we're sad.

Again you offer
To bring me into your world
I deserve it not

Her eyes are so pretty
Her fur is so fluffy
I tried to be witty
With a name so strange

Yet now I see her
A kitty like this
A name like that
Listening to her purr
Listening to her hiss
Perfect for a cat-pat

How did this happen

Hope for purest white
Deep crimson scattered atop
Life within the snow

Dark, yet comforting clouds set in above me,
Masking my vision from all that I fear.
My art flows from me, unrestricted and free
From the doubts and misgivings ever filling my ear.

There's a place here, somewhere forgotten,
Lying isolated betwixt awareness and sleep,
A place where I'm free from all my misbegotten
Deeds and mistakes, things that make me feel cheap.

To find myself in my mind's twilight,
It truly is the inarguable highlight,
Of a life befitting a parasite,
Dragging down ev'ryone in the fight,
Who all just want to see that light
That lies in my mind as I drift into night.

How cruel fate must be,
To turn me against my kin.
My desperation is becoming too thick to see
Any kind of retribution from this sin;
This sin of the face I wear, this prison of a body,
I hate them for being closer to freedom.
This furious envy I have come to embody
Suffocates me as the sinners of *****.
I'm losing myself to the darkest pits
Of my hideous mind, gnarled and rotten,
And that stink of selfishness now befits
This monster who has all but forgotten
What it was ever like to live free;
The gods themselves will not forfend
This state of being I deserve to be.
This nightmare will not end.

Wherefore do you appear afore me?
Do you mean to follow where e'er I go?
My slumbers and dreams are no longer free,
If you aren't here, I fear when you'll show.

I might find it comforting, your constant
Presence keeping me here in reality,
But your mask works hard to hide your intent,
There's no room for emotion buried in your brevity.

Whenceforth do you hail from?
Where this behaviour is encouraged?
'Tis a place of oddity and them some,
I'm sure. Travel there is now discouraged.

By me, specifically.
Stop wearing those creepy hats.

It's such a strange word.

I can make it happen,

That belief isn't so absurd;

Yet I still find it so hard to be open.

I don't particularly care though,

Yeah, I'm miserable. So?

Changing my future is within my ability.

'they're both so manly'
I thought you would know better
Maybe you do know
Maybe you speak truth
But you're trampling my heart
And it hurts too much

Should I feel shame?
I do.
Your affections seem so tame,
So simple and easy for you,
It's something that comes natural.
It isn't your fault my heart is so fractal.

I sit here, overcome with envy,
I wear it as easily as I breathe.
It isn't a shade that suits me;
At least, that's what I like to believe.
I selfishly crave everything you have,
Because it is everything I cannot have.

Will never have.

Can never have.

The jealous do not prosper.

Letters and emails
Emerge like hideous weeds
They serve one purpose

They all remind me
Of all my failings in life
I am stranded here

I'm different so you treat me like a child,
As if a single misplaced word will drive me wild,
Don't you see how that's seen?

One word and suddenly you're a world-class painter
But artists aren't limited to a solitary brush.
I'm not some unhinged animal waiting to see a trainer,
I still have a heart, and feelings I feel you crush.
Am I even here to you?

Or am I just a title?
A condition?
Something to murmur in hushed whispers
About why I act the way I do
Why I say the things I do
But I'm more than that.

I'm not expecting you to be perfect.
People speak in weird ways,
Act in a manner I can't affect
The stress within me stays.

I'm not expecting you to be perfect.
I just want you to treat me as a person.

What can our next step be?
This valley is becoming so deep.
Sheer cliffs either side of me,
Pressing in ever further to keep
Me restricted in this place.
Does the sight of myself harm me so?
I'm the first to admit I'd do anything to erase
This body that keeps my spirits so low,
But this catch 22 I find myself in
Is a low even I do not wish to partake.
****** if I do, if I don't, I can't win,
And even still I'm worrying these feelings are fake.
I've sunk too far to hope to surface.
I'm drowning in depths of my own despair.
I tried to find my life at my own pace,
But I guess I forgot to come up for air.

A year ago, I'd hate this.
It would be unacceptable to miss
A deadline I created, arbitrary
It may be, I shouldn't tarry.
But mistakes happen and frankly, a few hours late is better than never.

I've had twelve whole hours
I could pen a masterpiece
This haiku will do

I'm fully aware of risk I take;
Gambling again that I'll even wake,
But the rush is addicting.
Clamping a hand down, inflicting
A state upon myself I cannot
Escape from, time and again I allot
More chances for it all to go wrong.
I'll sing my final swansong.

I am an artist, I am in love with love.
These rapturous prisons I can't dispose of
Have captured my heart, my mind, my pen,
For years upon years, but what happens when
I finally find one who feels that for me?
When metaphor comes real and all I see
Is the glint in the eyes of one who matters most?
Will she calm my thoughts, as the ghost
Of all my muses are laid to rest at last?
Or will she push me further, further past
The rhetoric of beauty and joy I've written of oft
as she continuously raises my heart aloft?

I'd like to know
But I never can
Who could capture my heart?
I'm an artist.
I'm in love with love.

I have slept all day
Life has failed to maintain me
I am way too tired

Man in my mirror
Your presence makes me feel sick
I wish you'd leave me

Man in my mirror
Why must you stare at me so?
All I want is me

Man in my mirror
I just can't shake the feeling
You're here forever

Man in my mirror
I despise your existence
Even though it's mine

Man in my mirror
Ev'ry hair on your body
Makes me hate it all

Man in my mirror
Stop tempting me to end it
I fear my own hand

Man in my mirror
You would choose to end my life?
You've pushed me too far

Man in my mirror
Clutching a bloodied knife close
I have to do it

You left me no choice
I've been abandoned by all
I will **** this man

A loud crack
and silence
I'm cast into darkness
Falling to violence
My restraints go slack

And I fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Fall

Alone
In my mind
Alone

Without my art
I'm nothing

The light in your eyes sputters out
Your heart no long beating
Your lungs no longer breathing
"Wake up!" I scream and shout

But you're already dying in my hands

I just want it gone
I want it removed from me
I just want it gone

It torments me so
This monster between my legs
But this is our life

I'm yours forever
No matter how much I cry
You'll never leave me

I just want you gone
But life has other designs
Designs of hatred

Pains of yesterday
Sifting through my own old life
Seizes me today

A mark of progress
The tensions holding me here
Aches and pains show growth

Perhaps before this
I could not see the forest
So life was empty

Appreciation
I was devoid of it all
Life was passing by

So I'm grabbing it
Enjoying the air, the breeze
I will live my life

Twice in one week,
Then never before;
Have I stayed hidden that long?
I think no o'er has seen me more;
I've made myself too meek.

Yet here I am again,
Making it all about the bad.
She accepted me for who I was;
She did not grow fearful, disquieted, mad,
To her I was a person, not a sinful stain.

In at least one place,
That store on the high-street,
I can be what I am, who I want to be.
She was someone I was happy to meet
For she wasn't disgusted to see my face.

I'm suffocating
Isolated from nature
Cut off from freedom

It shakes beneath me
Crumbling
Aging
Decaying
But I climb ever higher

A void sits above me
Open
Dark
Empty
But I climb ever higher

The weight on my back
Heavy
Significant
Important
But I climb ever higher

I must
Because you can't make this journey anymore

A day upon a day, with a thousand days more;
Stretching out afore me, too far to be sure,
Can I even make it? The end seems too far,
But I will take that first step.

A step upon a step, with a thousand steps more;
Passing each moment, more confident than before.
I have decided to make it, I don't care how far.
I'll keep on walking.

Oh, sweet nightingale,
Just fly to your own pattern;
Fill Life's tapestry

You don't know it,
You can't know it,
I never said a word.
How could I?
The borders of our friendship,
Though the thought makes me cry;
Too blurred.

But why her not me?
But why this not me?
I wanted to be here
Within you;
To nestle deep into your heart
and love you your life through,
Without fear.

Why couldn't it be?
Why shouldn't it be?
Years, months, weeks, days,
Eternity.
You've always been here and yet
I'm selfish with pity.
My type betrays.

Here's to the ******* who'd ruin my life
Who's filled every moment of existence with strife
I'm sorry I'm not the child you wanted me to be
Sorry I couldn't live the way you wanted to see
Though that wouldn't be enough, would it?
If I was straight, cis, sporty and ****?
You wouldn't give a **** about me
Cause I still couldn't make your life so easy and free
You never wanted a child, just an excuse
To abandon the family that'd worn out it's use
They hate me too, but I can't really blame them
Their hate stems from this monster of men
As we celebrate I bolster the thought
Of when I can drop you in a hole and leave you to rot
Because maybe then I can be who I am
Without your input that my life is a sham
And maybe then, when you can't speak a word
Maybe then I can finally be assured
That my life really matters
Because you won't be there to tear every aspect of my being and every hope that I've had for life and love and family to tatters

How did it come to be
Parapets upon walls atop a fort of stone
Encased, deep, in the heart of hate
And cold
Cold
Cold
It's all that remains here
Common sense and mere
Logic betrayed by worthless fear
Of an enemy that would not rear
It's head again, for eternity.

If they can forgive
Why can't we?