I tell her
You been gone for a while
Why you keep disappearing?
She said I hate having to choose
Between being heartbroken
Or feeling nothing
Because I always choose
To be numb
And know it's wrong
Cuz I
Fell hopelessly in love
with the idea of you


Times with you
Were sweet escapes
From the madness
I call life
I've built walls
And kept my distance
But somehow you got past
My guard
Who knows where you'll end up
When my story is said and told
And I know that I've been told
But at the time I couldn't let you go
My heart goes cold
Because I know I've
Lost you to
Ghosts of my past

Out on the dance floor.
Flashing lights.
A tad intoxicated.
You always say you can't dance but here you are with me dancing by my side.

You pull me close as the beat drops.
I start moving my hips about.
Loving the feel of your hands on my body.
Pulling me against you as if you'd have your way with me right there.

Everyone around us fades as you turn me around bend down and kiss me.
You're so intoxicating.
The way you make me feel so alive is simply addicting.

You pull back and smile at me just happy to be with me.
I watch as you start silly white boy dancing in front of me.
No rhythm, outdated moves,
all because you know it'll make me laugh.
It was that very moment I fell for you.

For the first time in a long time I saw you in my dreams.
I remember running to you in a field of nothing but black roses.
The sky was grey and so was the sun.
When I finally reached you, I clutched onto you and I said nothing as I stood on my tip toes and welcomed you with a passionate kiss.
I remember time slowing down and giving me this moment.
I remember every single nerve in my body dancing as our lips reminisced how much we have missed each other.

I also remember breaking our kiss.
Telling you I loved you, but also saying I shouldn't be here and that I had to go.
I'll never forget the look on your face as I started to fade right there in front of you..
Watching the sadness swirl in your eyes as you asked me why.....
And how I simply replied...
because you're going to destroy me.

To anyone with a broken heart...
If ever you find yourself on your bedroom floor at 3am with those uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks.
And you find that your fingertips are blistered from trying to claw yourself out of your own skin...
I want you to realize that love is only a verb.
It's going to hurt like hell, but realize just because he said he loved you, doesn't mean he ever actually did.
Love is much more than beautifully painted words.
Love is shown through actions.

So don't be ashamed of the way your heart dies and how you still may cry for him.
It's not giving him power over you.
Imagine it to be like a great flood washing away the old you.
Carefully...
sometimes even painfully,
Washing away all the wickedness, sorrow and pain he left behind.
Soon becoming forgotten..
A distant memory.

And you will become his biggest regret...
Once the realization set's in...
That he lost you..
And every attempt to find you in someone else will fail..
Because you won't be found.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said it perfectly.
"And in the end, we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokeness."

I can say without a doubt Fitzgerald  knew his fair share of love and love lost.

Just like me...
Loving you, was my greatest lesson.
As I learned that even though you are broken my love, as endless As it was for you... I could never heal your brokeness.

When do you think it happened to you?
As a little girl, when you were five?
Maybe even six or ten?

Well I was eleven when it happened to me.
I was first captured by the romantic gesture of the little mermaid and her prince rescuing her and living happily ever after. Then eyes glued I watched them getting married.
She's in that big beautiful dress and her hair and shoes are perfect.

Till this day I remember my eleven year old self saying to my mother, "I want that more than cookies and sugar."

Fast forward I'm 30 and divorced.
I confess, my heart is still that naive little girl.
That wished for a prince, to sweep her off her feet.
To save her from danger and keep her safe.
To love her to marry her and live happily ever after.

But instead I married a villain who took everything from me including my heart, and there's not much of me left.

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I'll never have the prince on a white horse, who saves me for wicked step sisters or that octopus crazed person.
I'll never wear that white dress or...
Or the shoes that match.

Silly me...
Who was I kidding.
Fairy tales don't exist.

I've known you since I was sixteen.
I remember our walks home, laughing about everything and anything.
You were my best friend.

I'll confess I never thought we'd be more than friends.
You've made that clear..
Once in the past.
But then you go and surprise me, with an unexpected kiss.
Its clique to say, but you simply took my breath away.

Feeling nothing but winters cold glow in my heart, for months..
All it took was the feel of your lips against mine, and like the sun you melted me away...



I'm conflicted...

My minds gone half crazy trying to figure out why you did it.
Why'd you cross that invisible line.
I wonder if it's worth me holding on.
I'd to hate walk away from you as if this never existed...
But what am I to think after you've gone and changed things between you and me.