This thunder
reminds me of the old times
when I would climb into your bed in fear.

I sleep alone now,
for the same thunder  
is now the lullaby
you sing for me
from heaven.

i feel like i cant breathe
most of the time

maybe its the tight binder
on my ribs
maybe its the suffocating thoughts
that tell me im not good enough
maybe its all the stares
that i know are questioning my gender

i wish i could tell you it gets easier
every time someone calls me a girl
when im wearing all mens clothes, a binder, and short hair
but it doesnt
it gets worse

so much worse

no matter the effort i put in
how hard i try
to present as masculine as possible
at the point where i cant even
see anything feminine about myself anymore

im always seen as the thing
that will always break me down

sometimes i think
it would be easier to take it all back
say im a girl and dress like one
at least then
ill be seen as how im trying to

ill hide behind a mask
say im something that im not

because arent i doing that already?
saying im okay and that it doesnt matter
when someone calls me a girl?
putting on  fake smile
and act like it doesnt feel
like someone took my spirit
and covered it
with the wrong color paint

i feel like i shouldnt be myself
most of the time

Thoughts
Nothing but thoughts
But they’re not good thoughts
Thoughts that surround me daily
The ones that tie me up in chains
And take their hand and cut me
Nothing but crimson red liquid flowing from my wrists
Nothing but pain and suffering
Nothing but hurt
But now that these feelings control me
Im sorry to the one’s that love me
For I might hurt you
And I don’t mean to
But these thoughts control me
They consume me
And to you they may seem like nothing
But to me they are my everything
No matter where I am
Who im with
The thoughts are in the corner
Waiting for the right time to attack
They are like a bear
A bear that haunts my every moment
A bear that seems to take away my happiness
And I try and try to fight back
But its just too powerful
This monster has taken control of me
And the monster is now my master
The masters name is
Depression

26 Letter are not enough
To tell you my true feelings
26 letters is just too little
To tell you how much you mean to me
To tell you how much I love you
But here I am
Trying to get it all out
But theres no word perfect enough
To tell you how much you mean to me
You are the sun to me earth
You are the stars to my sky
You are mine

Being left is my only scare,
Being alone never bothered me
Being cold makes me happy
Being held makes me worry
All the things can turn me into a monster
Worrying,
Makes me feel like a burden.
Happiness,
Makes me feel alone.
Being alone,
Makes me feel cold.
Being Cold,
Makes me happy.
And everything comes to a full circle.
But not just any circle,
A circle of emotions,
A circle of doubt,
A circle of envy,
A circle of life.