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894 · Jun 2023
Grief
unknown Jun 2023
There was a time I wanted to rip you to shreds.
There was a time I would’ve begged you to stay.
There was a time I would’ve done anything for you.
You said when you were younger, you were a bad person.
You said you worked on it.
But I don’t think anything has changed.
I used to think you were so strong.
But all I can see is how weak you are.
How you let one person get in the way of your family.
You kicked a narcissist out to protect me only to let another one in.
Only to let the same **** thing happen.

There was a time when there’s nothing else to say.
You didn’t believe me then
You won’t believe me now.
There’s nothing else to fight for.

There was a time I felt empty.
That night after the text.
Filling my body with the same liquid that ruined my family.
Nothing seemed to help.
That void still existed.
I still was alone.

There was a time I wanted you dead.
And it lasted for months.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed that you left me.
Seeing a picture of you just ignited a fire within

There was a time I wanted to be dead.
What’s the point when you have no one?
What’s the point when all you’ve worked for was gone?
What’s the point if they didn’t want me.

There was a time I felt pity.
That you let it happen.
You say it was my fault but it was your doing.
You wanted this.
Your own blood gone.

There was a time when I let go.
When I stopped checking for phone calls or texts.
When I stopped hoping you would show up.
When I stopped thinking about what you had for dinner.
What shows you binged.

There is a time I felt peace.
I’m happy where I am.
The grief i felt after losing everything
763 · Feb 2018
Heartbreak
unknown Feb 2018
As you stab your knife into my aching heart repeatedly
I loved you
I didn’t
I weren’t brave enough to tell me
You weren’t honest
You brought my hopes up for nothing
You told me you liked me
Making me fall for you
You picked me up when I fell
But now I fall into another arms
And you stomp on my face
Every word you said left a bad remark
Every action you did for me
Telling me little white lies
Its like looking through a looking glass
I was too dumb to see the truth
We had our thing
Video Chats and calls
Always talking,
Till you became distant
Weren’t responding
Ignoring me completely
Making me feel worthless
Till I asked you one day if you still liked me
You told me you didn’t feel the same way anymore
Bringing me down into my endless plunder
Your soothing voice became satan to me
I was acting okay,
But inside,
I was falling apart
I saw it coming
Thinking I was ready
But I was
I didn’t sleep
I didn’t eat
Making me feel like a mistake
Even though you said I wasn’t
But one thing you never understand is
I HAVE FALLEN FOR YOU AND IT WASN”T WORTH ANYTHING
677 · Jan 2019
Broken
unknown Jan 2019
Broken,
Nothing but broken.
Im broken.
I tried to be okay.
I really tried.
But I ran.
Ran from everything.
All the thoughts.
All the heartache.
And built my walls.
And forgot about what mattered the most to me.
And now,
I’m blocking people out.
I’m so tired.
I just want to be okay.
Everything is falling apart.
I’m falling apart.
And no one notices.
I want people to notice.
But
I
Am
Nothing.
Just
Like
Always.
It’s all gone.
639 · Feb 2018
Everything is Wrong
unknown Feb 2018
Everything is not okay
Now don’t ask me anything
Please just don’t
I feel like blowing up
I feel like screaming
It’s one of those days.
I’m in pain
I’ll admit it
If you can’t tell
I’m broken
I can’t think straight
I can’t talk
I can’t talk
I can’t breathe
The air is suffocating me
Just like hanging yourself
It feels like an anxiety attack
Everything is spinning
I’m shaking in fear
My silent screams are loud
The voices are louder
Just please let it go
Cut my life short
**** me already
I cant feel it
I can feel the hate
The anxiety
Everything is so bad
Everything is out of place
My heart beats faster with everything I do
My heart can just break away
Just like a wine glass
Just like my soul
Just like everything and anything else
But one thing I can say
Please don’t ask me if I’m okay
We all know the answer
Don’t ask me about my family life
I know how I feel
And don’t ask me why I’m sad
For you haven’t been through what I’ve been through
And you will not understand
Why I’m in pain
547 · Feb 2018
My hero
unknown Feb 2018
My hero is the protecting type.
Loved me no matter what.
Cares and provides for my family.
Serves and protects his own
But no matter what
I see through him
See when he’s sad, mad, or even happy.
I’ve come to know this man.
And love him no matter what.
Throughout my days I will never be able to return he favor
Because he’s just done so much.
I will protect him all my life.
He is a hero
A hero casted down from heaven it’s self!
No matter through the hard times.
He will always love me the same.
When the hardships come
We stand tall
And try not to fall
But if one does,
We pick each other up.
Because it’s what family does.
But Non the less Im proud that he’s my hero
Because he’s been there for me time after time.
Loving me no matter what.
And experiencing life with me.
482 · Feb 2018
Pain
unknown Feb 2018
Now as I feel nothing,
My body shakes in fear.
That what I once did to it,
Will happen again.
Now when that blade comes near,
A tear comes from my eye.
Because I promise never to cut again.
But now here I am trembling with pain.
This pain I cannot bother.
The long sleeves that I wear,
Are really are ******.
Now that you’ve seen what I’ve done,
My time is running out.
For what I once feared,
I now lust for it.
That death will come near.
And I wont feel pain anymore,
And that I have died
I want you to know
That everything you have done to me
Killed me inside
That this pain I have suffered from,
Has now become unbearable.
474 · Feb 7
Was It My Fault?
unknown Feb 7
There was a night
Sitting in my room
Engulfed with pain
That old bedroom
With memories plastered on the walls
You sat next to me
Seeing the pain she had just put me through
You said to me
“It wasn’t your fault”
And i cried
Tears i’ve never cried before
Sadness
Anger
Relief someone saw it too
You held me
Ever so tight
Said you wouldnt let go
“It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault”
Made me scream it aloud
Until I knew it was true
You kept holding me while i cried
Thinking I’d always have you

You said it was all my fault
It’s not my fault you raised me this way
Your life
The ****** ways you grew
My life
Having to start anew
You blame me for the things I’ve learned from you
“Do what I say not as I do”
A ****** thing from the both of you
Tiptoeing around a line that was askew
Her teaching me things that will never be true
Lies from the mouths of people I knew
Reject
Neglect
Needs that would never be met
A million thoughts in my head
But only two that say what I wished I had said
*******
451 · Jan 2019
The Tattoos
unknown Jan 2019
The tattoos you left on me
Some can kind of see
But most of them are invisible.

The Tattoos you see
Are all my fault
But you're the one who put it in my brain.

The tattoos you don't see
Linger in the dark.
But come inside my head and you'll see them all over again.

The tattoos to you are just scars
But to me they are everything
Because you caused me to have them in the first place.

The tattoos, you see,
Are the only thing that stays.
Everything else dies.

The tattoos are my children,
And I'm their mother.
But you don't get that do you
The tattoos my mother have made me have.
421 · Apr 2018
Used
unknown Apr 2018
He used me
Making me think he loved me
Make me think that I loved him.
He railed me in with his words,
Building my trust.
I shouldn’t have done it,
I shouldn’t have said yes.
I should have known to him in just an object to look at,
Bringing my self confidence more down then it already is.
He used me for “makeup material”.
He just looks at me like my body is just something you buy.
But when he told me I was “beautiful”,
I knew it was fake.
I could see the white lies he was telling me.
Saying “oh but I really do love you”
That wasn’t like him.
I should’ve known that he was telling my white lies,
Telling me stuff I want to hear
Telling me pretty little lies.
Like a thieving serpent.
Comes quietly and bites giving you venom.
The venom of fake love.
When he texted me telling me what happened,
I cut all my hopes and dreams away.
He told me “Don’t cut of me im not worth it”
But to me he was my everything.
I helped him off the ground when his spine was acting up.
I held him when he was scared.
I set him on the couch making sure he was okay.
But in the end he was just using me.
This happened Saturday night
421 · Feb 2018
Forever Alone
unknown Feb 2018
Love
Love comes and goes
Love punches you in the face when you do something “stupid”
It dies and gets resurrected and kills you more
Stabs you rededately
Killing you fast but slowly
Everyday passes and all you can do is sulk
In pain and suffering
This is our life
This is my life
I try and stand tall but just fall to the floor
Sinking lower into the lava you have set for yourself
Because you knew you would fall
You knew you would suffer
So just make yourself suffer more
Then you fin another love thinking its going to change you
But it doesn’t
You still find yourself at night wanting to be held
But no matter what you cry
You cry silently to yourself
As you picture the future
And figure you are going to die alone
Because no matter what or who you are
Forever Alone
417 · Feb 2018
Death
unknown Feb 2018
Death surrounds you
Everywhere you go
It’s lurking in the shadows.
Waiting for the right time.
Waiting for the right time
Waiting to punch and take your life away in a snap.
It’s planning
It’s stroking your head
Making you feel calm
While its stabbing you in the back
And you can’t seem to feel it anymore.
You close your eyes and take your last breath,
As it pulls you in a forever slumber.
Death is not scary.
Being alive is the real scare
411 · Feb 2018
Crimson Red
unknown Feb 2018
The dark red liquid flows from my arms,
Covering the sink and floor.
Crying inside but not outside.
That I have just made another mistake.
As soon as the blade touched my skin and slid from side to side,
My gut clenched in a paralyzing fear.
“Now I think I understand how this world can over come a man.”
Whispered in my ear softly
My earbuds played a song that makes me regret everything.
“Not that I could, or that I would, Let it burn, under my skin, LET IT BURN”
I quickly changed the song,
The wet liquid dripping from my eyes.
Maybe it was meant to be,
Maybe I was supposed do it,
Maybe not,
Who knows,
Why do people do this,
My body trembles every second,
With every voice,
And every loud sound.
In another room somewhere else,
You can hear the silent screams of a little girl,
Her dreams are broken,
Her eyes are dull,
Her body covered in new and old cuts
She feels unwelcome.
She wants to be okay.
But she lets her depression control her.
Somewhere else,
A man in Japan hangs his self
Because he feels unwelcome.
He goes to the store,
Buys his gun and bullets,
And goes to the middle of a forest.
Says goodbye to everyone through his phone.
And writes a letter that reads,
“Dear Family,

I’m so sorry I had to put you through this. You don’t deserve it, but I do. I deserve to be dead. I deserve to not live. I’ve been through the good, the bad, and the evil, but through it all I have to say goodbye.

Love,
X”
408 · Feb 2018
Anxiety
unknown Feb 2018
Anxiety,
Another mental illness that give people a lack of interest in other things.
Anxiety one of the worst mental illness you can have.
Gives people no hope, no motivation to get their butts out of bed.
All you wanna do is look at the ceiling silently crying all hopes and dreams away.
And sometime you can’t even cry,
So you just sit there feeling numb.
Trying to make yourself cry because you wanna feel something.
Anxiety hold me hostage inside of my bed.
Anxiety makes me have no hope.
But I’ve learned how to turn to numbness, to being busy, and the busy by occupying your self doing something.
My busy, looks like laying in bed, watching t.v.
But when my mom left,
That busy changed.
It went from laying in bed,
To crying a little looking at old photos of they happy times.
My busy changed to wishing I had a different life.
And I told everyone I was busy because,
I didn’t want to be bothered.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to feel something.
But those people that gives us hope.
We thank.
We want them in our life constantly.
Just like me.
My person lives in Ohio.
We video chat everyday,
We talk daily.
So my happiness lasts for an hour.
Then disappears into the abyss.
But happiness doesn’t last a lifetime.
We have our good days and the dark days.
Everyone says “Just be happy”
They don’t understand the struggles of being happy
That we have to search for a while just to find it.
We have a lifetime of loneliness, sadness, grief, and envy.
That people with depression, agony, anxiety, and lust,
Are just “Acting out to get attention”
Or just “Are faking it”
But those comments hurt,
Just like a stab wound.
We love,
We lose,
We live,
We die,
We grieve.
And in the end,
We are just items of merchandise.
That we get sold form person to person,
To trust,
To love,
To die together.
But once the love dies.
We move on get sold to another,
And another,
Until new die.
Because love doesn’t last a lifetime.
402 · Feb 2018
True Friends
unknown Feb 2018
True Friends
Someone you can count on,
People that will be with no matter what you do
People you can rely on for anything
True friends are important in life
Because if you don’t
You will feel lonely in life
True friends
Someone that with love you for you
People that you can put trust in
They will let you down once in a while
But come back
You will have fights once in a while
But they get resolved fast
They come around and say Sorry
And you know that you cant keep trusting them because they’ve been there for a while
Because in the end,
You love them no matter what
You will love them because
They are important in your life
Thank you for being true friends!
391 · Feb 2018
Depression
unknown Feb 2018
A mental illness because our brains are not wired correctly.
Something that people won’t understand until they have it.
It make our days darker.
Like we see no color.
Some of us may see color,
But everything had a darker part of it.
Thats what we see.
We can’t see the beauty in things, in people, and most of the time, ourselves.
We cover our face in makeup,
We put on clothes that make us look “attractive”
We cut ourselves just because we need to feel,
And when someone doesn’t like us,
We change ourselves just to be “accepted”
We change everything,
Our clothes,
Our hair,
Our lifestyle.
And when someone asks us if we are okay,
We respond with I’m fine.
But when we feel strong enough to throw are the blades.
We become desperate,
We tear shaving razors apart to get to the blades.
We cry silently to ourselves.
We become numb enough to slice all our hopes and dreams away.
But when we stop,
We long for more.
The razor takes control of us,
Becoming our master.
And when people abuse us,
No matter if its Mentally, Verbally, or Physically.
It doesn’t hurt.
We stab our selves to become strong.
We think its going to make us strong but in the end.
It makes us weaker.
We feel like we can’t last more than a day with out it.
390 · Feb 2018
Sadness
unknown Feb 2018
As I watch the days role by
Every second every minute
I long for that blade.
I wish for that blade.
I have lust for that blade.
I didn’t cut today and I am proud.
But ever since then I feels so numb
I feel like I cant live without it.
And during that moment
When they got flushed down the toilet
I thought I could live without it
But I cant.
As I tear apart a razor just to get the blade.
I have realized how I have become accustomed to the feeling.
The feeling of want, lust
I have an addiction
An addiction to cutting
But I don’t want to break the promises i’ve made.
But I need it
Want it
Lust for it
I need the pain in my life
And as I take that blade
Swipe it across my skin
I feel a rush of adrenaline
I feel happy for once in my life
I become numb from the pain
Okay it time to go deeper
As the blood rushes from my skin
Down my arm
Of my skin into the sink
As I wash of the blade
And my arm
I feel happy
As if it was meant to be
As if this addiction has helped me
I feel sorry for breaking the promise
But happy for feeling a thing
But when the people find out
What I just did
They will become sorry
Sad and broken
Just as I am
Sad blade cutting
384 · Apr 2018
Love
unknown Apr 2018
26 Letter are not enough
To tell you my true feelings
26 letters is just too little
To tell you how much you mean to me
To tell you how much I love you
But here I am
Trying to get it all out
But theres no word perfect enough
To tell you how much you mean to me
You are the sun to me earth
You are the stars to my sky
You are mine
338 · Feb 2018
I Wish
unknown Feb 2018
I wish,
I wish I had a better life,
One that I didn’t have to rely on pills to keep me happy,
One that my parents were still together,
One where I was happy not depressed 24/7
One that my anxiety makes me want to stay in bed
One that my family was normal
Not a suicidal daughter,
Not a brother that stays in his room,
Not a mother thats a former Alcoholic and lives a state away,
Not a father that’s gone 24/7 and comes home when your sleep.
One that everyone is together,
One that people will understand how it feels to be depressed or anxious.
One where I am happy.
Not one that your significant other lives in Ohio and barely gets to talk to you,
Not one that you look at couples and with that was you with him,
All that you get with him is video calls or phone calls.
One that you don’t have scars on your wrists because you can’t handle everything at once,
But life doesn’t care.
It throws everything at once,
Just says oh your sad,
Im not sorry.
I wish
I wish
I wish
I freaking wish,
I wish this,
I wish that,
When is it my turn to get what I want?
When is it my turn to be broken,
Or sad.
No one understands what it feels like to have to pick up pieces hiding the fact that your sad.
I WISH
I WANT
I CANT 
I NEED
I 
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I AM NOTHING
304 · Mar 2018
Why
unknown Mar 2018
Why
Why do I sit here and cry
When I don’t know why
I sit and shake in fear
But I know that it’s near
I sit alone
Alone
Cold as my heart
Hearts break
But from who?
The one I loved the most
The one that told me I was worth it
The one who gave me the world
I cried last night
Screaming into the phone.
Yelling at the one who loves me
But why?
He broke me
Why?
283 · Mar 2018
When She Left
unknown Mar 2018
I didn’t want her to leave, but she had to
It ripped me to shreds
That last hug, I wanted to stay there forever
When I closed the car door,
I couldn’t help but to think,
The women that raised me is leaving.
I sat on that porch bawling as I watched her drive away.
“This is for her own good.”
I tell myself
But she doesn’t know that I am broken

It’s almost been a week.
But the pain is still there.
I put on a face for the others to bare,
But when I’m alone,
I cry
I bang my head against the walls.
I feel even more broken now.

Every night I crawl up in bed
Puffy eyes,
Tears falling,
Thoughts coming and going.
But the one though that never goes away.
“What if she never comes back”
“What if she jusfleaves and gets a divorce”
“Am I the problem”
“Am I why she left”
I’m just falling apart.
That part being happy
Productive
278 · Feb 2018
Gone
unknown Feb 2018
I don’t know who I am anymore
One day I’m glad
And the next I’m sad
I shake and tremble
With every step I take
We used to be perfect
We used to be family
But now that you’re gone
I spent know anything
All I want is his loving embrace
His scent of his body spray
But since your gone,
I am not home,
I am not here,
I always transport my thoughts into real things
A way to make me feel like he is there.
A way to make me feel real
Because since he’s been gone,
I have been falling apart.
I have never felt so alone
264 · Mar 2018
Richard Wilcox
unknown Mar 2018
He is my light
Oh sorry
Was my light
The light that guided me in my darkest moments
Ever since he died
I have been veering off away from my path
Veering away from loved ones
Changing my self to cope with pain
Veering away from friends
Locking my door
Not drinking or eating
Hoping those nights
Were my last
Sulking in my bed alone
While my fears surround me
Ignoring the pain
But when I cry
It all comes out
The memories come flushing in
Like hurricane Katrina
But faster and more violent
Since Richard is gone,
I am all alone
254 · Oct 2018
Paper
unknown Oct 2018
Paper crown
Paper people
Paper thoughts
Paper cuts

Paper

All I need is paper
But everyone around me are tree stumps
Stumps that create a forest
A forest full of anxiety
A forest of depression




Help me
240 · Mar 2018
Why do I?
unknown Mar 2018
Why do I torture myself with this pain,
Carrying the burden that I hate.
Why, Why, Why, Why?
Just to know that he ain’t there.
I can’t feel his touch,
I can’t feel his love.
But why do I feel this way?
I do not know.
Why did I ever love him?
Why did I ever be with him?
He was a mistake.
Living now with this pain.
Living now while knowing he never cared
My heart was whole, but now it’s shattered.
I gave him my heart when he threw it in the trash.
Everyone warned me
I should have listened.
I never knew how much trouble I could get in
But he opened my eyes
Why, Why, Why, Why
232 · Feb 2018
A Poem to my Love
unknown Feb 2018
Love something I cherish to the end of my days
Keeps me happy and sane
In particular
He keeps me happy and sane
Through the good and bad
Through the happy and sad
We do have ‘fights’
But good fights like whose cuter
Whose more perfect
Who can send the most emojis
Love Cana make you do stupid things
Such as staying up past 1am
And knowing you have a test the next day
Or going out too late with that person
But something that is sad about love is
When they’re 1,000 miles away
You miss them
You long for their touch
You lust for just one night
But it still keeps you happy
It makes that whole in your heart filled
Filled with joy and delight
When they call,
When they text,
Your stomach gets butterflies
Because love is perfect
Love is life
Love is knowing your with the right person
And Love
Is beautiful.
231 · Feb 2018
My Love
unknown Feb 2018
It was long gone.
That perfect porcelain skin, gleamed in pieces, but where still intact.
The once thing I ask is when will you come back.
That I hate to leave you behind
In a shivering clash.
The skin was like a snake that cut open your leg.
The face was like an arrow, that hit you in your eye.
Ere that night,
The night where you fell.
Please come back love.
I always loved you till the end.
That now its gone.
And will never be redeemed.
216 · Apr 2018
"Tell Me"
unknown Apr 2018
“Tell me”
Everyone thinks that ill talk when im sad,
But thats not the case.
I wanna be alone.
At the time I need to be alone.
I would just like for people to stop saying,
“Tell me”
“Explain”
“Why?”
“Why did you do it?”
I just need the world to stop,
Make all my worrying fade,
Make all my insecurities denigrate
Make all my problem go away.
182 · Nov 2018
Help
unknown Nov 2018
I cant think
I cant speak
I wanna scream
But when i open my mouth,
Nothing comes out
I just want to be okay
But i simply cant get a break from the pain
180 · Apr 2018
Explain
unknown Apr 2018
Being left is my only scare,
Being alone never bothered me
Being cold makes me happy
Being held makes me worry
All the things can turn me into a monster
Worrying,
Makes me feel like a burden.
Happiness,
Makes me feel alone.
Being alone,
Makes me feel cold.
Being Cold,
Makes me happy.
And everything comes to a full circle.
But not just any circle,
A circle of emotions,
A circle of doubt,
A circle of envy,
A circle of life.
158 · May 2018
Healing
unknown May 2018
The scars I feel when I run my hand down my arm,
The cuts, the memories, the pain, the suffering
Everything comes running back,
Everything swarms in,
Reminding me of the past

But now I look at them
And say im proud of my past
Proud of the women I am becoming
And 1 year ago,
And would cry and cry hoping to accept myself
But now here I am learning to live with the past
And to a brighter future.
144 · Aug 2018
Am i okay?
unknown Aug 2018
How?
How do I feel so calm?
It's like all the monsters inside of my head just went away.
Maybe it's the music?
Maybe it's the magic of mother nature
I cant really tell right now.
I just haven't been here in a while.
It's been about a year now.
And this place has gotten more and more beautiful.
More and more majestic.
It's pretty shocking.
How there are just some places where you can relax and finally feel okay.
I haven't felt okay in a while actually.
I havent been sleeping right.
I havent been happy.
I havent gone one day without mutilating my skin.
This is just a breath of fresh air.
It's like I've just got over everything.
All at once.
At an instant.
I cant believe it
I'm finally okay.
My only question is now
How long will this last?
How long till I just drop again.
Going back to the bottom of the deep ocean people call depression
But let me just be thankful for being okay at this moment.
Let me just enjoy nature.
Let me enjoy this.
Please
143 · Nov 2018
Untitled VI
unknown Nov 2018
I honestly hate it here
The children’s screams when it’s time for recess,
The echo of lockers being shut constantly.
The voices of people who bring fear to my head.
The phone ringing on the wall.
The sounds of shoes hitting the floor.
I hate it
Im so tired being stuck in these doors of humanity.
I just wanna leave
I wanna be able to be home
But I also want to be happy
But we don’t get what we want
Do we?
139 · Jan 2019
Heartbreak
unknown Jan 2019
I’m waiting for the night to save us.
But,
You’re waiting for the night to break us.
126 · Jan 2019
Eventually
unknown Jan 2019
Eventually,
Everything will go back to how it was,
The depressed family from across the street.
Because my family can’t seem to get a break.
And you’ll leave too
Just like everyone else
You say you “Love” me
Then parade out of my life
Like it’s nothing.
You do your best to make me happy for a week or so
Then walk out.
That’s what everyone I have ever loved did.
They left
And you will too
124 · Dec 2018
Anxiety
unknown Dec 2018
Anxiety is like everyone is around you
But no one can hear you
Its like you’re trapped in your head
With nothing but your thoughts
And you won’t every say what you think
Because you’re too afraid that people will run the other way
Anxiety is like you’re drowning
But you’re too weak to move
It’s like,
There’s one person you love and talk to all the time
But you don’t tell them what you think
Because you don’t want to talk about it
Its a never ending feeling of worry
You’re scared all the time
You fear for the worst
Anxiety is the one thing that stays
Everybody leaves
But Anxiety stays.
120 · Feb 2018
Life
unknown Feb 2018
Life is a mysterious thing.
We come and we go,
People live and die,
But where do we go?
What will happen?
Nobody really knows
We go to school
Get our books out
And learn about the past, English, and math.
But what matters in the future,
When we are on our death bed?
Nothing really matters when it comes to school.
The thing that matters is who stuck with you through it.
Who will sit next to you caring for you when you’re on your Deathbed?
Will anyone sit next to you?
But really how are we supposed to believe in something that you can’t see
But everyone listens to the lessons teachers teach.
Everyone listens to the sermon pastors preach.
But what if they’re wrong?
What if nothing in history actually happened?
What if life means nothing.
What if pain wasn’t a thing.
Then nobody would go to the store alone,
Buy a box of razor blades,
Go home and mutilate their skin,
With crimson red liquid flowing from their wrists and onto the floor.
Everybody would be happy all the time!
There will be no such thing is cancer or even the flu
Because that results in pain.
What would your deathbed be like?
Will we lie in pain and guilt.
Or will we be happy that we lived a great life.
Or maybe we will think of the past,
Everyone that came and left,
People that died,
People that are still living.
Maybe even death won’t be a thing.
Maybe even heaven and hell won’t be a thing,
That we were just believing in nothing.
What if the judgement is tomorrow?
Or even in a few minutes, hours, or even seconds.
What if life is just a dream.
What if we are in our comas on our death beds,
Going through everything that happened.
Thinking of our first kiss,
First date,
First crush,
First heartbreak,
The first person you loved that died.
The first grade,
The first hug,
The first time you opened your eyes.
Maybe when we die in this life,
We wake up in another,
Is that what people are talking about?
That maybe this life is just nothing.
But life,
I wanna live it,
I wanna see everything that I can become.
Because I’m happy that life is a thing.
119 · Apr 2018
Thoughts
unknown Apr 2018
Thoughts
Nothing but thoughts
But they’re not good thoughts
Thoughts that surround me daily
The ones that tie me up in chains
And take their hand and cut me
Nothing but crimson red liquid flowing from my wrists
Nothing but pain and suffering
Nothing but hurt
But now that these feelings control me
Im sorry to the one’s that love me
For I might hurt you
And I don’t mean to
But these thoughts control me
They consume me
And to you they may seem like nothing
But to me they are my everything
No matter where I am
Who im with
The thoughts are in the corner
Waiting for the right time to attack
They are like a bear
A bear that haunts my every moment
A bear that seems to take away my happiness
And I try and try to fight back
But its just too powerful
This monster has taken control of me
And the monster is now my master
The masters name is
Depression
115 · Sep 2018
Love
unknown Sep 2018
You know when you love some too much
You tend to surround them
Send them your love way too much
Scared to lost them
Then when you break apart
Go your separate ways
You tend to stay up at night
You tend you obsess over them
Asking them if they are okay
Especially when you’re a Gemini
We tend to go back to the ones who have hurt us
Its hard for us to move on.
You tend to fall asleep with tears in your eyes
You feel depressed ever second of the freaking day
And when you have the house to yourself
You may sit in the couch holding your phone close to your chest sobbing
Mainly for hours on end
Wondering are they happy without you
Wondering if they are okay
But you don’t bother them
You don’t want to get yelled at
So you just suffer in the pain it gives you
Thats when you know you truly did love them
103 · Nov 2018
Us
unknown Nov 2018
Us
We used to be so close.
A mother and a daughter laying in the daughter’s bed passing a ball back and forth talking.
I told you everything.
All my thoughts, all my fears, all my experiences.
I cried when you left, sobbed hoping if she’ll come back, when the truth was she wasn’t.
It tore me apart when you told me that.
I tried to put everything behind me, but it keeps me up at night.
At night, I wonder how a mother could verbally and physically abuse her daughter that she loves with all her heart,
But at the same time I don’t want to know.
That night repeats in my head daily, especially when I see someone with their hands on their throat.
It sends shivers down my spine and it destroys me all over again.
I love the time we had when we were younger.
The laughs, the talks, the games, the everything.
But now I think of you and it tortures me.
I’ve given you chances after chances to redeem yourself.
To be the mother you want to be.
But I’ve given you too many chances and you’ve hurt me too much.
I always thought it was my fault just because of how many times you’ve told me “Its all your fault”, until that night.
When I got snapped out of that trance you put me in.
The night I screamed and yelled at you of how ****** you could be and how much hurt, pain, and grief.
I hope you regret what you’ve done to my family.
You’ve bashed our pride.
You have embarrassed my family and how people can pick on me because of how they have seen how you treated us when you were drunk.
I remember how we used to be and I wish I could reverse time and stay in the moment of us being an actual family.

~Suki~
unknown Jan 2023
that fear
my worst fear has happened
i’m all alone
no family
no friends
just alone
i’m 19 now
1,500 miles away
i live alone
i sleep alone

family.
“family will love you no matter what”
“family will never leave”
“you’ll always have us”
“we know what’s best”
family is the reason i’m alone
family is the reason i’m this way

i still flinch at the sound of a door slamming
i still cry when someone raises their voice
i still hide in my room even though i live alone
i still creep around the house at night when i need something
i can’t seem to eat without feeling guilty
my ears still perk up at the slightest sounds
you have left me with these scars
you’ve left me in pain
while you live your own **** life
the girl you raised is struggling
holding on to everything she has left
gripping to everything she loves
in the fear they’ll leave me too

how can life go on?
how can i still feel?
block it.
block it.
block it.
hide away.
numb
be numb
please be numb

852 days
longest 852 days
no pain
no silver laced with red
scars that tell a story
scars that fade by the day
need.
          need.
                     need.
been a minute
88 · Feb 2018
Him
unknown Feb 2018
Him
Him
The one who gave me the world
He used me
He borrowed me when he was done
He threw me away
Like a reusable bottle
Like a rag doll
Tossing and abusing me with his words
He used me
To get into someones heart
I look at him now
And I cry
Thinking of what he left me
A heart that is broken
A heart that is ripped into shreds
He is the one I think about
Or even write about
He told me I am worth it
When the truth was
I am not
He didn’t love me
For he never did
87 · Feb 2018
Untitled
unknown Feb 2018
She ran down the stairs in a frenzy,
But there were no presents under the tree.
They were hidden from the kids but,
she screamed like a dying hyena.
She looked as if the was an ogre.
The tree shook in fear and,
She boomed all over the house.
Her parents rushed, yet she was not found.
Neither, in the room, or in the kitchen,
For, as the night ended,
She was found in the bathroom.
Blood dripped from her forehead so,
They ran in and patched her up.
And in the end it was a great night.
86 · Jun 2020
My Biggest Fear
unknown Jun 2020
My worst fear is to be alone.
No friends.
No family.
Just me.
I don't want to wake up someday and realize I have no one.
That I pushed people away
Or made them hate me for some reason.
Is it bad that it scares me to the point that I can't be myself,
No matter what?
Is that bad?
Its ******* terrifying to me.
Its hard being alone.
Its dreadful.
I mean I try to talk to someone all the time.
I don't know if I do it to distract myself from my thoughts.
Or just the fact that I like people.
Am I the only one like this?
Probably not.
But still.
It terrifies me.
Just the thought of being completely alone make me upset.
Like I want to start bawling.
I already feel alone.
But I have people around me.
People I can text.
Friends I can call.
Family I can talk to.
But I have never been completely alone.
It can happen.
I'm young.
Anything.
I have years to make sure this doesn't happen to me.
Well, who knows if I have years.
I could die tomorrow.
Or even tonight.
But the thought of being completely alone keeps me up at night.
It makes me strive to make new friends.
To meet new people.
To constantly be on call with someone.
To even occupy my brain with something else.
Like playing video games.
Watching YouTube or Netflix.
Am I the only one that is terrified of this?
-Bex-
75 · Dec 2018
Here But Not Here
unknown Dec 2018
Hi,
Um,
Can you hear me?
No, okay
That's fine,
No one hears me anyway
No one hears me cry
No one sees my pain
It's like im just nothing
Like this body, I walk in,
Is as small as a molecule
I feel like no one sees me
Or hears me
Everyone walks through my ghost
And don't even feel me.
67 · Jun 2020
Proud
unknown Jun 2020
Look
At
You
You've made it this far.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm proud of the person you're becoming.
You can do this.
You can make it through whatever you're going through.
I love you <3
-Bex-
49 · Jun 2020
Thank You
unknown Jun 2020
Thank you for being my reason to smile.
Thank you for not leaving, like others.
Thank you.
You are completely amazing.
I love you.
43 · Jun 2020
Together
unknown Jun 2020
He said "I'm used to it".
And at the exact moment,
I realized
    that
        we were going through the same thing.
And no matter how many times, I doubt I'll make it out
We'll get through it
Not alone
But
T o g e t h e r

— The End —