i feel myself slipping away.
most days i don't know who i am.
i'm being worked down to the bone,
nothing i do feels right anymore.
i feel nothing anymore.

The noon's greygolden meshes make
All night a veil,
The shorelamps in the sleeping lake
Laburnum tendrils trail.

The sly reeds whisper to the night
A name-- her name-
And all my soul is a delight,
A swoon of shame.

IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING
AND MY BRAIN IS BACK TO SCREAMING.
YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.
TONIGHT IS WORSE THAN EVER.

A MONTH FROM TOMORROW
IT'LL BE MY BIRTHDAY.
AND I KNOW YOU WON'T BE
HAVING THESE THOUGHTS A
MONTH FROM TODAY.
NOT ABOUT ME AT LEAST,
BUT MAYBE ABOUT YOUR NEW GIRL.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
REALLY.
THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ME.
SHE'S GOT BIG BLUE EYES,
NOT LIKE MY BROWN ONES.
HER LONG BLONDE HAIR
IS NEW FROM MINE,
LONG BROWN.

I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING.
THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT HER WAS DIFFERENT
THAN THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME.
AND NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH,
THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY,
I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE WHO OWNS YOUR HEART.

i feel myself falling deeper
as i look into your blue eyes.
i know i should look away,
yet something is telling me to stay.
my heart waits desperately,
thinking maybe something will happen.
but the stupid truth is that you don't see me.
you've never seen me.
i made up a life with you in my head,
replaying all the things my brain thinks you've said.
i know it's pathetic and i will admit it,
that i'm the fool.
i'm drowning as i wait here,
waiting for you to pull me out.
but you don't,
and you won't.
because i'm not the girl you want.
i see you with her,
you look happy.
all i've ever wanted was to see you smile,
so why does that smile make me so sad?
i feel foolish.
foolish for loving you.
foolish for wanting someone who will never want me.
but most of all,
i'm foolish for continuing to wait for you in hopes that you'll be foolish too.

nobody is listening to me.
i'm in pain,
i tell them,
they say i'll be fine.
i want to die,
i say,
but they laugh it off.
god forbid i could be
anything
but
okay.

she is so beautiful.
just looking at her
makes my heart race.
her smile is the most beautiful
thing, besides her existence.
talking to her is a breath of fresh air.
she's everything i want.
she's everything i need.
yet,
she's everything i can't have.
she and i, we have a love that is
forbidden.
the places we live are not real homes.
we do not feel safe,
and so we hide our love.
closed doors,
far away places.
we hide where they cannot see.
they can't see her lips on mine,
or hear the words we exchange.
we hide from the ones we love.
our families,
we love them,
but if they knew the truth,
they would no longer
love us.
in their eyes,
two girls in love?
"it's just a phase."
they'll say.
they could never
understand us.
my darling,
you and i are forbidden.