I am stuck under the pretense that to have a purpose, I need to be needed. I have no purpose at all if I cannot make others happy. This is especially difficult to handle, when I feel as though the only way I can make others happy is by being gone. The only thing I can actually do right is leave. I want to wanted.

Sometimes absence is required to feel a person's presence more intensely.

I got lost today.
I got lost in a place that I
should never get lost in,
but somehow I just keep taking the wrong turns.
I got lost today,
got lost in my own head,
not sure where to look
and not sure what to say when
I could ask for help.
I keep getting lost,
and when I come back home
and tell my friends and family,
"I'm sorry, I got lost again,"
they throw fits and ask me why I don't
try to find a way to fix it.
Do you think I don't?
But maps are annoying, and a GPS is just so expensive,
and I could just buy a compass
but I'll lose it by next week anyway!
So I guess I'll just keep getting lost,
keep taking those wrong turns
until I can finally know
where I'm supposed to go.
I just hope that somebody will know
where to look for me
if someday I don't find my way home.

5 year old me
thought it was
sharing things with people
crying with them

12 year old me
thought it was
holding hands
the term "boyfriend"

15 year old me
thought it was
kissing
touching

18 year old me
now understands
love comes in many different forms
sometimes in words
sometimes in expressions
sometimes in staying
and sometimes in leaving.

i hope someday i can love you enough that you forget the names of all the girls before me