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yes you can mention how cold it is
Though you can't expressly show the cold.
literally breaching my innocence
To capture your heart.

we don't count memories of love
much as they greatly shine in our lives
only the wonders of how its started
reflects its stages in flow.

Time developes it and so does it fade with it
worse than a burial
laying ....the dangers of s waterfall
tameable on probability
In
a nightmare of a swim on land.
Nicole Bonomi May 2019
It was deep.

Much more than meaningful.



More like a cornerstone romance,

from a library in the cosmos.



Like a deep sea scroll,

One unobtainable,

And nothing about it tameable.



It was like solstice, but not summer,

Like solstice, but not winter.



Like a fifth season,

One of its own,

Flaunting all the colours.



It was something enchanting,

Like snow falling on palm trees.



Something mesmerising,

Magnetic,

Hypnotic,

And blissful.



It was unclaimed,

Unowned,

Like land on Jupiter.



It was shocking,

But not horrible.

More like waves of adrenalin,

The ones that save your life.



But this pearl was less about my life,

And more about my death.



This was less about him

And more about me.



For all the magic I foresaw,

Was the magic that is me.



...............................................................­............................................



I am the supernova romance

Etched on an emerald tablet,

Clutched by Aphrodite.



A story you’d find carved in a dream,

Retold upon rising with bewilder and a gleam.



I was the dance to The Drifters,

Upon 11pm sandy shores,



The kiss under the bridge,

In that electric storm,



The naked swim in the caves,

That night the moon turned rose red,



The whisper louder than the roaring crowd,

That made you smile and nod your head.



I'm the twist of violet,

In an orange fuchsia sunset,

A besotted perfume linger,

Once inhaled you can’t forget.



I was the fire in that winter desert,

Where we talked about the truth,



The zest in your drink,

When we sat squished in that tiny booth.



And I was the 20 white candles lit,

In that studio,

On the French blue coast,  



The warm wink in the room when

You stand to give a toast.



Now I’ll be the film you wish you saw on the silver screen,

And the private island you only wish you could have been.



So before I died I was reborn.

From that shell without the veil,

From that pearl without the mourn.



Projection death on a canvas blank.

For the romance I have only myself to thank.



BY NICOLE BONOMI
The Dedpoet Nov 2016
These are things we do not
   Speak of,
A class of violence that breeds
    A certain endurable suffering.....

  It is in the curious nature
Of survival
Which caresses the poor
And listens only to the nocturnal
Whispers of savages,
   Crude and tameable
It is accepted outside of the unacceptable,
     Where the deep concerns
For low income pass through
The eye of a needle and they
Can shout from a safe distance
With charitable murmurs
Enthusiastically hoping one
Makes it out of the ghetto.

     Home is where the heart is,
A heart of the unacceptable
With victims below middle class,
     Chronic renewal of violence,
Another ethnic man with darkness
On skin is dead,
The eloquent news states,
The futile concerns from outside
Keeping the animals in place.
   The permissible violence
Is lamented in segments and tidbits,
    It is good only that the poor
Might stay out of the unacceptable.
Lauramihaela Feb 2013
One can write of anger, of fear
Of mystery or tears
But one must never write of love

Emotions at first, are a foggy mist
Swirling the depths of our minds,
Intangible, elusive, unlatched -
All we desire is a meaning attached

Through action or words
The mist escapes our souls
Turning to warm liquid
Slightly tangible
Before seeping through our knuckles
Slippery wet

However, you will find,
The most interesting form of emotions that exists
Is when they hit a writer’s page
Like crimson puddles of his blood
Turning from hot liquid life
To solid concrete print

One can write of anger, of fear
Of mystery or tears
But one must never write of love
For it is both a roaring beast
And foggy mist
Neither tangible or tameable
By the confinement of words

So my answer to the question
Of why I never write of love
Is: how can one write a poem about love
When love is a poem in itself?
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2022
i knew i wasn't going to give the experience enough justice
by writing about it: immediately after having just...
experienced it.. i was already tired from the shift
and i only managed to come home around 2am,
but i wrote something preliminary to keep the "bank
account" of memory intact, below an overdraft
of forgetfulness - i had to write something telegraphically...
i woke up today around 11am after staying up
until 4am... i truly didn't do the event enough justice...

after all... it's not everyday that a man gets to write
about having a *******...
   i passed the Rubicon (as it were)...
                  i needed to quench all my jealousies...
this one was a big one...
   massive...
                    that's how you quench jealousies...
this one friend of mine started: fwend...
bragging that he was in a ******* once...
i believed him... my downfall... i became jealous...
i know him: sickly sprout of a guy...
  did he? didn't he? it didn't matter by then... or now...
that's the thing with the spirit of man:
whether true or not...
i had to find a way to compete with
                        the claim...

so i was coming back from a shift... slightly tired...
but not too tired...
   i was actually going after just one girl...
i took about enough money for an hour...
     circled round the brothel in my usual way...
since i quit smoking i was only drinking brandy
and pepsi... thinking about the Firth of Forth
geographic bearings and how it's impossible
to reach the same distinct: east is east...
west is west... north... south in London...
even if you're standing before the Thames...
don't know... Edinburgh is that much different
to London: probably because of the Firth of Forth
or perhaps that's a southerner talking about
living in the north... that's what i really loved
about living in Edinburgh... i knew where east was...
i knew where the north was...

London is confusing: geographically...
   it's a ******* Behemoth of a city...
           i find that... i have this Bermuda Triangle
compass in my head when i'm in London...
the world seems to implode...
   i'm standing in the 9th circle of Hell and everything's
spinning out of control...
because there's so much momentum concerning
London: the whole world is here...
no wonder i don't know where east is...
      at least in Edinburgh you have pointers...
the Firth of Forth... Glasgow to your "left"
when walking toward Prince's Street...
          so many bridges: but no river...
   i.e. bridges because during the black plague
the ingenious architects built on top of the infested
quarters... so the city rose up... hence the bridges...

of course i became jealous...
   there's no better remedy for jealousy other than to...
imitate... let's see... what the hell this "badge of honour"
is all about...
i.e. to sleep with two women at the same time...
i wasn't planning... walking around the brothel
i was actually thinking: will i be too tired to get
a hard-on? i'm not taking any ******* pills...
i knew a guy from high-school once...
troubled... but lovely... Ryan... he could have been
the next big footballer...
  but he succumbed to ingesting ****** early on...
all that teenage lust from the girls got to him...
last time i saw him: he had that aura of being
hyped up about nothing...
   precursor of being: left-over... disused...
dropping ****** pills... probably doing some other
drugs because... outside of the school environment...
he wasn't pulling his weight along...
the environment became open and there
was no access to freely available pedestrian looking
girls in school uniforms...
i'm not doing that ****: i thought...
            no... *** is an act of reciprocation...
i don't have a ***** for a *****...
   this doesn't work on automatic foundations
of... see a naked body: get aroused...
no! if i had a switch, say: squeeze my testicles hard enough
and i get an *******...
**** me... women talk about moods...
i have moods too... i'm either aroused or i'm not...
depends on the totality of a woman...

if it were as simple as seeing a naked body...
in the flesh... well... it's different when you're doing a solo
project to ease a **** out of your ****
on the throne of thrones...
but in real life interaction... you can't just expect
a naked body... coupled with Picasso's cubism et al.
brigade to give you a runner...
plus... i needed to take a ****...

  some Asians were playing supermarket car park
cricket late into the night...
how happy they must have been...
while i was... prowling... gearing up...

i knew that if i had a ****-issues... i'd be having
******* issue... ****! little Richard:
where on god's almighty earth did you leave
your hard-on batteries?!
why can't you be more: switch-on / switch-off?
why will you not succumb to
the easy-pathway of ingesting some chemicals:
fear of repercussions for "under-performing"?
to hell with that...

it works both ways... i might be in the mood...
the moon is almost full...
i feel a werewolf sitting on my shoulder...
nibbling it... i was expecting a crow biting my ear...
but i need to be in a "mood"...
  i can't do: it's raining therefore i'm thinking
of the many hues of blue mingling with
purple and green...

    i didn't ask for a *******...
     there were two prostitutes sitting gauging
their eyes out... i chose one...
but this other one... this party girl was gearing up...
and she was like: he said to me twice now...
thrice i can't take... i only chose one...
but she was not having any of it...
can i just have this one?
    apparently no... i had to take both of them...
because the one that was pretending to
be this bleached blonde wanted to be in on
the "action"...

            i thought about the jihadis...
yeah... you and those 72 virgins...
how about 72 prostitutes...
               boyo... you have another thing
coming...
                  it's hard... i'm not saying it's easy...
******* two women at once...
it's confusing... getting a blow-job while
at the same time ******* on some *******...
you try your hardest to keep a hard-on...
******* on *******... pretending to be a toddler...
while... all the while... you're getting ****** off...
it makes no sense...
   why? well... when you're getting ****** off
you want to communicate eye-contact...
but... you're disengaged from it by *******
a 2nd girl's *******...
so it's like...   x = z but y ≠ z...
    
       that's why i hate *******...
                what society sells...
my best resolve concerning a *******?
it's not what people who have perfected it
have imagined... reality is a tender little *****...
what's best about a *******?

you snuggle up to one girl, the one you like...
she performs a hand-job on you...
you kiss her face, her neck...
you sometimes interlude her with eye-contact...
she knows you're digging her...
she's pretty... tameable...
        
she's jerking your off... while the other girl?
she's cameo... she was the one instigating this
interaction... she's the party girl...
she's the one tickling your *******...
she's the one you're about to use her cleavage
for imitation of ****..
   she's the one about to take a shower
after you ******* full sprout...
******* duck-lips... botox etc.,

                 she's the one who initiated the *******...
i was only after the one i fancied...
how do i know? after we finished...
the one i ******* onto...
and myself... she took a shower...
i also took a shower... she sprayed me with her
perfumes...
i took a shower... dressed up...
the one i fancied... while i was dressing...
she
stood behind me... like a vampire...
body-size-difference...
she started massaging my back and shoulders...

two girls... self-evident competition...
the one i liked gave me the most ingenious
hand-job... i smoke a cigarette and managed
a hard-on...
             i liked her eyes... her eyes told me everything...
i was the supposed good-mad-man...
party girl wanted a piece...
duck-lips unattractive...

i was put off by their song choices...
i was thinking:
kid loco - rattlesnake rattle (she's my lover)
wax tailor - ungodly fruit
boozoo bajau - keep going...

    if i had a harem of women i'd first have to
educate them in what music is best
ingested when having ***..

   of the two? the part girl that suggested
we have a *******? competing interests...
again: wrong choice of music...
after *** she started rummaging through my rucksack...
like a teenager...
   she found... a few things... most notably
Ovid's ****** Poems...
she asked me... oh, **** me... not this again:
are you German?!

what is it with people having this skewed
physiognomy of entertaining me as
a ******* Deutsche?!
i don't mind... i find it kind of beneficial...
but... if there's this superstition about whites
being unable to tell the difference
between Somalis and Kenyans...
like **** we can't... imbeciles... like **** we can't!

in an interlude between ******* on *******
and getting a a *******... sorry...
threesomes might be a zenith...
but... there are no third person involvement...
i can't accommodate two women at once...
if i'm getting ****** off i'd like
a blinding eye-contact...

   i smoked a cigarette and got an immediate
hard-on on... readied for a hand-job
and a tickling of the *******...
however threesomes go...
i found the best "position"...
no... it's not about what ******* sells...
first time... find yourself best served...
one of the women is more willing than the other...
best scenario?
you cuddle up to the girl giving you a hand-job...
you kiss her *******... you kiss her cheeks...
her neck...
while the other girl looks on... as you hide your
face into the face of the girl doing the deed...
you get to implode voyeurism...
one's doing X...
the other is looking at you:

          O)

                    or )O...

   because you're cuddling up to the one
that's jerking you off... half of your face is "missing"...
but you're looking at her...
while she's tickling your *****...
half of your face lost in the girl you like...
you wanted to be alone... pristine *******...
but she was the one who wanted a party and a *******...

you wait before asking her to provide her *******
for a makeshift ******...
the girl jerking you off is still her most
tender self... eyes of doe...
the ******?
              i wasn't asking for a *******...
good... that i spend my hard earned money
on this... to hell with spending it on material:
immaterial byproducts of hush... oops...

a ******* only makes sense when
one of the girls is jerking you off while the second
girl is watching you being ****** off...
teasing your *****... then come the ****** providing
her ***** as a substitute ******...
eye-contact... i don't believe one can have
a persuasive ******* being
occupied by... a duality of oral ***...
receiving oral *** while giving oral ***...

it's so much better to find a balance of...
voyeurism...
one girl is jerking you off while the other is watching you...
eyes eat eyes...

oculus edo oculus - eye eat eye...
that's how eroticism works... at least...
that's what i've fathomed from finding Ovid...

mind you: ******* oversells certain theatrics...
no... it's not true... reality is a different game
to what's practised in this kind of theatre...
i've already mentioned it...
sometimes i want to please others...
but sometimes i want to please myself...
it's "fluid"...
                  to hell with the precursor needs of
outliers that homosexuals are...
                        if they are to be proud and i'm
to be shamed, no wonder my sometimes stretching
the hard-on "problem"...
but... no little wonder: how a little bit of cognac
and a drag of a cigarette can make due resolves...

threesomes... best scenario?
the one that you liked... the one you wanted to ****
solo... is giving you a hand-job...
while you're snuggling up to her
like some Norman Bates...
****'s freaky anyway... since there are three in a room...
and the one that instigated the *******
is peering into your eyes
like Aetos Kaukasios... the eagle eating Prometheus'
liver... she's the one rummaging through
your rucksack looking for...
sure as **** she wasn't looking for a book
by Ovid... she's the teenage girl that's unable
to find meaningful eye-contact during ***...
she has the fun-girl-sour look in her face...
   she can't be serious during ***... she has done too much
botox implants into her already duck-duck lips...

the one i wanted already knew that the one
who instigated this profanity just wanted...
she was the one so desperate to get ******...
i mean: becoming intimate is one thing...
couldn't we just have fooled around?
rather than stressing a belt and notches?!

i sometimes feel like a woman when i'm *******...
i just want to ease into oozing
with... when a spider ****** an octopus...

if that could happen to you, or me...
nothing was ever left as a reminder to be unlike
any prior man...
all we have are reminder of how it is: to be a man...
are we not to inherit what
it is, that all that is: is to allow ousrelves
to be human?

i tease... i watch these men coupled within
their subordinate selves...
shackled... oh too trying...
  rings on their ringers...
               tiresome, tired-breeds...
men who have never managed to range
into a reach of galloping on a horses' hind!
my god... men who have never had a *******...
it's a bit like relocating a voyeurism...
one jerks you off while another looks on...
and what is she good for?
tickling your *****...
   using her cleavage as a makeshift ******...
she's not welcome...

because the one you want to be with is
already: gauging your eyes out...
Solomon's harem: Autumn...
          the envy of Muhammad...
                                
prior: disorientating getting a blow-job
while ******* on *******...

Jonathan.
UV Nov 2019
We are left with the tameable
Cause that's what it took to survive
The one's with the true message
Couldn't bear to be here now
The youth with all the purpose
Are muted in the dark
The crowds that stick around
Are faded, broken down.

I don't know what this is,
A prayer, poem, a song
With all the early graves
With all the good men in the ground
I guess my heart needs consoling,
So I write to remember
This is what it took to survive.

-UV
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2022
you rarely want to think, let alone write,
after cooking a perfect mushroom risotto...
and i mean: a perfect mushroom risotto...
i don't mean just using atypical shrooms
grown and harvested in dark chambers...
tasteless...
    i mean the proper stuff... i used to go
mushroom picking with my grandfather:
prawdziwki, kurki...
     maslaki... oh... and... lopienki..
pickling mushrooms was a great joy...
sort of on par with fishing...
                  i can't stop thinking about my
first bicycle... an Italian Salto...
no brakes on the handlebars... breaks in
the pedals... if you tried peddling backwards?
you'd break... almost magic...
and by accident i discovered a new band from
Sweden... of course i'm a big fan of Ghost...
now i'm converting to Priest...
    Synth-pop, 80s Synth... Horrorsynth...
Darkwave...
   i could never stomach the fact that i loved Spawn
more than Batman... but i had to...
oh hell... once upon a time anything out
of Sweden that was pop was tameable...
Roxette-esque...
  

  i don't understand the fragrance of popular culture,
i think of it as so.. demeaning...
too invested in...
that's why i scout for music i'd rather listen to
before going to the brothel...
i wouldn't trust a mn
with hands the same volume as his legs...
or perhaps larger... girth-wise...
that's me thinking:
this man... must be drinking... some...
special... "*****" juice
i don't trust men with the girth of
their biceps to be larger or equal to their calf
girth...
i also don't trust headless chickens!

how many times i had to eat my own pride
for the fellowship of man...
how many times i knew i was better:
how i was orchestrated into a hierarchy
by idiot: how many times i tried to break the rules...
giving out free food to those beneath ne...
how many times i overcome the dictates of
hierarchy... in order to become
this benevolent (of a) man... but clearly i'm hiding
my horns... like i will never ask for a tattoo...
sooner another scar before any ink
blotches my copper-neck skim... of skin... come
summer..
             i want a 2nd schism in Islam...
i don't why... i don't even know how...
how? don't you just ask a lot of Arabic men to form
a rebellion against...
the zeitgeist of polygamy: of a hornet nests' western
women larva... harem?
                  don't you simply become,
dangerous in thinking?
              i want a second schism in Islam...
i need it...
            Christianity is too
polytheist: -ally in in its mindset of splitting apart...
next new Christian is an ally of
a future schism... bishopric of ****-a-fat-load-of-fold....
while pretending to not play cards...

Christianity is a religion of fractions...
a third the multiplier
within the confines of more fractions...
not even the orthodox church of Russia
can save this parasite...
of cognitive inabilities!
    not even Nietzsche could have predicted...
the force... with which this establishment
is going down: down a crushing down!

oh the church is burning... it's burning alright...
the fire was burning well before the church...
the wolf was chased... hunted down...
but... the fox wasn't...
now the forest is burning... and so it the church:
mind you: you already changed the church
into a fetish for progressiveness..
you changed the church into a chandelier
SHOP! you ****** on the crucifix...
i'll ******* **** into the iron maiden!
no no! he didn't deserve the ultimate demand
of suffering!
there was more! more to be asked of!

suffer for all?! truly? no, no he, didn't...
                   come now: Lord of Mosquitos...
best baron of Hell! you alone know the spell!
blood for blood... wine and water for blood:
you! Lord of Mosquitos!
Jesus!
                                    HA
what's your actual name?
hardly Mammon, hardly Maloch...
Behemoth, Belial... how... do, we, name, you, you?!
you grand... fickle little, creature?!
you illiterate ****-sucker

                           you're a ******* Crustacean of Hell
to be made so easily available...
for prostitutes to adore and make
****** profanities of themselves via
nunnery!
you, *******... dog-****-faced-demi-god
of a "perhaps" man... you crucified glamour-model...
irritable gnat: a most effeminate man...
this is my prize?
to challenge your tortures?!
what? that's it?! i live in order to prize
your tortures as the asset of the essence of life?!
seriously?! i'll ******* ****...
i'll *******... i'll ******* circumcise over your
instrument of torture... and then...
only then... i'll call all things... encompassing:
******* holy... you rotten corpse of an idea!
no... oh no no... you have no taste
for wrath... you don't have an idea
of the saltiness of blindness coupled with rage...

you just want... people to worship
the instrument upon which you died!
i hope... you could have tied yourself to a more ingenious
instrument of torture!
you! shackled! to an iron maiden! wouldn't it have
been more poetic than you attuned yourself to?
a ****** birth: death via the iron maiden?!
you're glorified! for causing the suicide of Judas!
i'm an *******... i know i am...
but i'm still waiting for someone to **** themselves for me...
oh... believe me... i'm... waiting...

i need the night to grow a bit darker... i need for a loss of breath.... i just need the best tractions to become imposed...

so much for believing in Jesus...
i dropped faith in him ever since i was spat into my mouth....
and he asked me to turn the other cheek and get slapped a second time...
**** him: i'm about to nail him into a grave of hanging,m
that's how nature works...
to hell with man overcoming nature...
Copernicus didn't overcome nature...
he just realised nature was thus...
i'm nailing Jesus to his ******* cross...
then? i'm going to ******* spin him and pretend he's
a good luck compass attachment!
since... i might not make it as as far as Mecca...
no wait... i'll probably ******* further: beyond Mecca...

yeah... but nail him... nonetheless...
North is heavy-based... as a torrent for direction...
i might need a corpse on the spiral to direct me...
otherwise, who the **** cares?! i don't...
he cared too much: so did those people that i can harvest,
worth... 2000 years or so... the greatest time for
individuals to be spawned...
the ******* time for... anything else.
i'd love to live in a time that requires me
to establish a legacy... hmm.. me: children: my own?!
sons! daughters?!
oh **** me... go eat **** and listen to the ******* adverts
you ******* wombat!

fair enough... hello world: *******!
as you told me, rightfully so: ******* too!
well: ******* for ******* alike...
at least the meteor didn't **** man as it might
have killed the dinosaurs...
i don't even know what killed man off...
by best guess is... ACTING...
his "original" sin... ACTING... he pretended
that he didn't exist... it must have been a toothache...
or... a hernia... perhaps... diarrhoea... then again?
no... seriously.. it couldn't be a Siamese Twin!
i think acting... or bad comedy...
what killed the dinosaurs?! the failure of the moon?!
so what killed man... inverted-Darwinism?
idiots replaces the sort that... otherwise...
oh... right... the Nazis would have favoured?!
**** me we're ******...
Mateuš Conrad Feb 2022
title - prune
body -or: for the prudent.  (once more, a 502 bad gateway hack)


i hate roses, literally abhor them... thorny clichés...
i mean, even Bon Jovi sang about them
in that song, bed of roses...
   'i want to lay you down in a bed of roses...
while i, sleep on a bed of nails!'
right... what about the thorns?!
unless we're talking about eating seedless grapes...
my parents have come back from two
weeks spent in Jamaica...
   am i jealous... i hate the heat...
the two worst weeks of my life were spent in
Kenya... apart from the macaques i'd feed
and fall asleep on the balcony in the night
while they called out: sentry calls in the trees...
watch for this serpent, that serpent...
n'ah... i don't mind... i like the cold...
it's February and i'm feeling very sad that winter
is about to leave my eyes, my heart...
the cold is still here... but... i'm already sad that
it's almost over...
oh hell... the insomnia is going to kick in soon...
sensual and temperamental...
the girls will start ******* and i'll think about:
salvaging something in a brothel...
they called at circa 10am: we're at Harold Wood...
we've bought fresh buns...
but i've been up since 8am... i've already eaten
to fried eggs with cheddar cheese...
i thought you said you were coming at noon?
oh... right... so my mother asked...
where are my flowers?
like i said: i was about to ******* to buy some:
you weren't supposed to be here till 2 hours from now...
what a windy day... i didn't feel like cycling...
i felt like getting the bus... and donning my baker boy's
cap... and sunglasses... and those pristine brown
boots that go beyond the ankle...
yeah... that's how i felt today...
- i hate roses... unless they're a shy pink or a full
flush of fuchsia that borders on purple...
but i hate roses... they **** me off...
beauty in the eye of the beholder...
as i hanged a mask they brought back...
while i started sorting out the washing of clothes i was
was going to have to make...
now i'll be thinking about making some
Carbonara pasta... apparently plenty of food shortages
in Jamaican resorts... they haven't eaten
anything decent in a while, or, rather...
they sort of missed my cooking...
mein gott... i walked into the supermarket and found
them... rainbow: chrysanthemums...
a palette ranging from white ones to yellow ones...
but the ones in between? Dalmatians of
purple, green, blue... red...
i told my mother: cleaned the fridge... ate plenty...
3 days straight on a mango curry...
don't worry...
met this girl... gave one girl a banana loaf...
gave another a banana loaf...
watched her get drunk on the wine i made...
i sort of felt **** trying to not tell her: which if course
i didn't... about how i've been on two dates with
her in her own house...
that she's a single mum...
that she slandered me... tried to get me fired...
but then, as i waited... she retracted her accusation...
but i still hope it's not too late...
i want to listen to that vinyl with her...
over another bottle of wine...
Wooden Shjips V... you know... the record
your manicurist / pedicurist liked when i put it on
while she did your nails and i was left
with the toy... the toddler... the little princess...
who poked my eye... pulled at my beard...
rubbed my nose...
i didn't tell her that... that girls at work are behaving
like silly school-girls...
it's too much agony for me to begin with...
i only entered the scene by telling her:
someone said you lied...
you have lied... i woke up at 6am and took a picture
of the sunrise... she hasn't replied since...
and... mein gott: she was so promising!
she was always so nice to everyone...
she was imbued with so much self-esteem...
she looked great, she took great diligence in keeping
her house clean...
the hour before she tried to stall me:
because she was nervous yet i nonetheless ignored
her text over those stomach cramps...
she was burning scented candles in the house...
she was expecting me...
and i was willing to overlook her initial faux pas...
but if she's going to double down
and treat me like ****...
   well then... i can still blow off steam in the brothel...
i'm sort of used to that sort of *******...
but at least no one will be grieving...
all these plans i had are nothing but
sand scattered in / by the wind...
useful love-up fool that i can sometimes becomes...
thank god i know it only lasts so much...
i can return to my safeguard... my stone's worth
of a heart...  at least that's one part of me
that has an exoskeleton... the heart...
and i'm no longer interested in her past
trivialities... she can sell me all the attention she's getting
from... what? past boyfriends that threatened
her physically and her son?
that they all snorted coca-cola? and i don't,
nor ever have?
i helped my parents un-pack... they slept off their jet-lag...
i'm back on the grounds of being
the dutiful son... neither of them are going
to end up in a nursing home... fat chance of that...
we Eastern folk have our ways...
- if she would just simply own up to the slander,
that i've waited and only said something
once her son's friendship with the competing mum's lie
was put at jeopardy...
i already said: i'm going to play Pontius Pilate
in this matter... i'm washing my hands from
what you've created... i'm the hurt party...
but if you're going to keep ignoring your own making...
sorry... no... and it's so, oh so: disappointing...
i expected so much more, i invested so much
of my remnants of a cognitive narrative
into this girl... and even now... she can't allow herself
to owning her transgressions...
well... that's modern women for you...
best you entertain an hour with a *******
to get your footing...
after an hour with a ******* everything
starts to make sense...
i heal by touch... i speak by touch...
non-verbal communicative cues...
you can't exactly say half as much to a psychiatrist...
i'm just disappointed... but i'm also used to it...
modern femininity is an ugly beast...
by comparison a Hydra or a Chimera or a Cerberus
appear to be almost... tameable...
pet-worthy... but the modern woman?
from what's coming: it's the same new-old per usual
ugliness... they have truly become
Gorgons... Medusa's and the Graeae....
     ugly: stinking creatures of the bog...
i don't care how pretty they pretend to look...
and they are pretty... their moral skeleton makes them out
to be merely: jellyfish...
ugly... ugly... ugly...
better start appreciating the beauty of horses...
of bonsai tigers... of trees...
sunsets and clouds... the moon: for one...
at least he tames the mind when all moods
darken beyond the trust for the solace of
the night...
and here's me... oh i wish i could love a woman...
but they're undeserving of any attention...
and i'm not the one to bring out my whip and
iron clad hand...
no... nein... niet! nie!
i'm just going to pander myself...
even today... while i was walking with that bouquet
of rainbow chrysanthemums through
the shopping gallery...
i felt like: Terminator 2...
       great! now feel this way! eerie eyes of women...
only 2 days after Valentine's Day...
you didn't get any flowers?       good!
******* *****... i'll treat my mother better, then...
i'll treat a ******* like she's my girlfriend!
good! now *******, crawl back into that *******
you call your own life!
stew! ferment in your toxic "unaccountability"!
but remember this much:
you, made, me! i am the end result
of your ****-up feminism!

— The End —