I texted you
at 12:30 a.m.
with a beer can on my bedside table,
asked you
if you remember
how my lips taste,
told you
it's been a while
since anyone's touched me
like you used to,
added
haha, I love you
to texts that
didn't quite make sense;

I asked for it.

That's what I keep
telling myself.
It's not ****
if I gave consent,
it's not ****
if you didn't touch me,
it's not ****
if I said yes when
you offered to make me less lonely.

I remember when
that boy you were always jealous of
told me he loved me,
I remember wanting to say it back,
I remember the smell of
my mom's *****
on his breath.

I said no.
Took his arm off my shoulder,
turned my head away,
told him not to kiss me,
told him not tonight,
told him he was drunk,
he was lying to himself,
he was just lonely,
he would not love me
in the morning.

I was right.
He told me
the last thing he remembered
was sitting down next to me,
he said
sorry if I tried anything,
I said he didn't.

My point is,

the boy I loved,
longed for,
still long for,
was giving himself to me,
his flushed cheek on my shoulder,
his hands in my hair,
my name on his lips,
and I said no.

My point is,

I, whom you knew to be vulnerable,
to be empty,
to be broken,
was begging you to save me,
my desire on your phone screen,
my scars in your memories,
my cries echoing in your eardrums,
and you asked for more.

My point is,

there comes a point
in every person's life
when they are given the choice
to do the right thing,
or do the wrong thing
and convince them self
it was the only option.

My point is,

I could have been
at your doorstep,
in your bedroom,
begging,
pleading,
naked,
ready,
and the right answer
still would have been
no.

My point is,

you did not **** me,
but you made me feel violated.
You are not a *** offender,
but you are an awful person.
I did say yes,
but you should have said no.

My point is,

I may have asked for it,
but that doesn't mean
you should've given it to me.

Anonymity is an illusion
He tells me.
He tells me,
No-one can remain unknown
On the World Wide Web.
Don't think deletion makes a difference,
Don't think that everything you've ever sent
Received
And posted,
Isn't hosted on a server
Forever,
Awaiting discovery and disclosure.
He could find me in minutes,
He could find me,
If he wanted to.
He doesn't,
But what if he did?
What if he did?
I would feel safer
If I'd posted intimate photos
Or sexted a thousand faceless strangers.
My poems are a diary of my soul,
My hearts' helpless, hopeful blog.
They expose me.
No-one knows me here,
But he could find me,
And he would know.
No-one is anonymous,
No-one is unknown.

I’ve been told to communicate with you through dreams through prayer through wishes
But I thought I’d write you a letter instead
Do they receive letters in heaven? Or hell?
After all, you chose to commit suicide. Such an ugly word; one I can’t seem to say anymore

And it was your decision to leave
To leave the stress the responsibility the pain
And I could understand all of that if not for one thing;
You left me

The man so paranoid about my safety
You locked everything and once armed me with expired pepper spray rather than leave me weaponless
But now you’ve left me unprotected
An easy target for anyone wishing to throw darts or shoot a gun

Speaking of guns
Where’d you get that shotgun and where did you hide it?
Such a messy and grisly weapon of choice
For the man with the perfectly coifed hair and the immaculate shirts and sweater vests

I got my driver’s license
And now, everywhere I drive, your voice echoes suggestions in my head
And I remember you saying so recently that you couldn’t wait to teach me how to drive in snow
Why would you say that?

And why did you end everything so close to my birthday?
Was the goal to see me turn seventeen because that meant I was old enough to handle your death?
Because being 17 years and 6 days old still wasn’t old enough to handle what I dealt with
It wasn’t old enough to see you lying there

People say you didn’t mean to hurt me
You never meant for me to be the one to find you
But who else was going to do it?
I mean you must have thought of that

But I don’t want you thinking I was your perfect unblemished daughter before this
I’ve made out with a boy I’ve drank alcohol I’ve sexted
If you even know what that means
Plus, I’ve been dealing with Mom’s cancer for a number of years now

Speaking of which, I don’t know if you’ve heard
But Mom’s cancer is back and she’***** the jackpot this time
It’s in her pancreas and she hasn’t got very long to live, so maybe you’ll see her soon
That is, if you are in heaven

And that brings us to the question doesn’t it: why couldn’t you have waited?
Waited for me to get my license for Kristen’s Sweet 16 for my graduation
Was life really that unbearably bleak that you couldn’t have lasted one more month?
Because I’m lasting

Even though now life seems like a cruel joke
An unfair game where things get taken away with no notice and for no reason
And that childhood pastime Kristen and I had of pretending to be orphans
Doesn’t seem so fun anymore

I can’t make wishes anymore either
Because the things I truly want to wish for with all of my heart can’t come true
***** the Disney princesses because even a thousand eyelash wishes couldn’t bring back
Just one of your deep belly laughs to wake me up in the morning

And I know this wasn’t your intention, at least I hope it wasn’t,
But you’ve left me feeling kind of worthless
Because I wasn’t worth saying goodbye to or writing a letter for
I wasn’t worth holding onto

And ever since you’ve left, Dad, I’ve felt empty
And all of that empty space must be filled with tears because I constantly feel like crying
All I want is for you to hold me, just for a minute,
But you can’t always get what you want, right?

I guess the emptiness makes sense
Even if it’s sometimes a paradoxical emptiness because I’ve been suffocating ever since
I opened that door
And fell into the abyss

Things she's good at...
Hmmm, let's see.
Talking, and napping, and watching TV,
Whining, and crying, and sighing again.
Again, and again, and over again.

Oh crap, this poem, it's about a princess you see,
But so far I've written it about my kitten, Winnie.

My real princess is Ashley, Ash, so lovely.
But don't make her mad or she might even throw things.
Kidding, I'm kidding! Well, I guess I'm really not.
But back to the point, where we first got caught.

His name was Gage, my good friend of youth.
Immature and reckless, he lost her like ****.
Yeah, that's right, he dated her first..
But with stupidity he lost her, almost like a curse.

Or was it a blessing, a blessing you see.
Not a blessing for him, but a blessing for me.
We met once again, this time a new friend,
His name was Alex, and that's where it ends.

But that's okay, that story is old,
The story of us is about to unfold.
We met before drinks, shots to be exact,
She took so many and convinced her drugging was fact.

Fast forward now, past the times of drunk.
To the time where I, well, I thought and I thunk.
Girl after girl, I'd dated them all.
From Leanne to Lauren, short and tall.

Just over two years of stagnation and pain,
I found that I actually had much left to gain.
Remembering Ashley and the brightness she held,
I randomly reached out and all of a sudden an end came to my hell.

We texted and talked, sexted and sulked,
We found love within each other, something neither of us had felt.
And there it was, almost two years exact to this date.
That I met and fell in love, with my one and only soul mate.

So there it is, the story of my princess,
nothing more, nothing less.
But now, you see, I have two princesses with me.
One's named Ashley and the other Winnie.

I'll love them forever, and long after that,
my beautiful Ashley and calico cat.

drunk on friday
drunk on saturday
woke up drunk on easter, drove to church
pretended to believe in god and even played in the worship band
sexted not my boyfriend during his family dinner
drunk alone monday night.
smoked a bowl with someone i wish i knew better tuesday after work
drunk alone tuesday night. it started to hurt, so i got
drunk alone wednesday night.

I'm scared of driving but if it would make this work ill get my license
- I would drive up every change i got
- Any time you need I would drive up 40 minutes isn't that far really
- I would drive up at 2 am if you asked me to
- I like you a lot and I just want you to like me to, and i thought you did
- It ***** that its like this but i cant help but feel that you used me
- I love that you made me feel wanted, and I hate you for taking that away
- If you wanted a relationship with her, why did you pursue one with me
- I just hate that you asked me out and then you pushed me away
- Why didn't you tell me before I asked you directly
- Did you ever even intend this at all?
- Why
- You said you didn't want to hurt me but you also said you wanted to give it a chance
- You sexted me this morning and then confess that you don't want me anymore, this was leading, why were you leading?
- Did you ever like me at all
- Why?

Disguise, very badly
somewhere I dreamed
of writing a poem.

The mind has mountains,
cliffs of fall(GM Hopkins)

Oxford lanes and Rivers walk
punt and gayety
Undergraduate,

***, sexted.


We all met there

the Union


Purple Turtle
underground


The Bodleian
stuffed full

of
books.

and generations
of silence.