He Fights to be the Provider,
Hiding the Pain he Sometimes feels,
Trying to be your Healer,When you both have to seal -Deals ...
In life that give way to many...
Mistakes, He lifts you up when your feeling down,
Holding all he feels deep, Down,
Worries about what you don't have while trying
to make you Laugh,
Sometimes Sitting  up, Late at night thinking
of another way to give everything
Helping you
Through the old wounds of pain caused by another Mans
Abuse,un truths or lies you never forgave,
Taking blame even thou its not in him to hurt
this presious women,
To him You are everything,
Asking Nothing of himself,
When your in pain he leands the help,
taking all your worries away
Pain Skecthed on his face,
You dont Notice, your too stuck in your own
Turmoils, You dont think..., What dose he need,
A Mans Struggles
Is beyound us,We only know what we WANT, As Women
Some of Us don't trust enough or care long as we
Get OUR share..,
We aruge with him,
Fight and fuss,
Making it harder on him to just be a Man
His Struggles,
Not to mention The Father or daddy to some of our kids,
Even when their not even his,We burend you with our self
conclusions and confusions, Make you Pay Everyday
for something you didnt do or Never Could..
Mistreatment is evident as
We give to him
Our own Abuse ...Words Hurt him too,
Even thou he Holds it ALL in
As Girls, Ladies and Women,We concurred you,
With looks of our own Deceptions and lie to get you in our web,
Black Widows Grasping at you, laying you on the plater not really
knowing what "lies" Ahead,
Not All Women but Many of THEM...,
Taking him from Man to the Beast paying for
The ******* by other old peeps family
or the Other Ex's
Not leaving Room for him to be Next,
Or The Best...,
**** His Struggles and let him deal with mines,
Let him see me as I want him to,
his girl we say, His Lady, His wife,
His Baby Momma
With all the strife and Drama,
Causing him to be Not Man but less of Him,
Make him the Next Abuser,
No its not Right but
hey Thats life,
or THE Way you want it to be..
You wanted more of his time,
stopped him from making a Dime or paper,
To Recreate him
Not in God's Image but as You want it..,
Women Listen...
He's
Giving all he can, Working Paying bills..,
In the street or 9to 5 ...,
Doing anything to let You get by,
THIS MAN STRUGGLES.
Yeah he gets a little satisfaction
from all that he's done to just put
that Smile on your face ...,
See his kids say
Hey my Daddys great,
But Given His Struggles His way of doing things..,
its time to sit and think
what it means to be a MAN,  Be Men....,
A Mans Struggle's
We dont talk much about...,ONLY what he do "WRONG"
or what he's NOT willing to Do for you,
You Complain
About what's NOT Given  or  
NOT done (done/doing RIGHT) whats not yours
or what He DONE gone in did AGAIN & AGAIN...
This Song Continues,
And now hes got your Tune Stuck in his Head,
Negatives not Words of Encouragement,
NO  Praises and Thanks for helping Rasie these bad as kids ...,
Putting food and gifts & Roof over ya Heads,
Saving up, time to spend and taking work off...not that its a cost
YOUR willing to make
( cuz Some just Aren't Going to Take it/US Women)
or to even say THANKS,
Some Of us Women just dont Get it,
Can't Say all Women but
I know Plenty of THEM,
Not willing to take his place on any given DAY...
Making him..,
Not a man but worse than sin, taking away his "self"
Esteem and the MAN you ONCE Fell in love with,
is No longer him,
Changing him Again til he's unreal...
Saying "I do" just to Get his Dibbs,
Saying "I love you" just to pay a bill,
STOP WORRYING
ABOUT WHEN HIS NEXT PAY IS,
OR IS HE GOING TO BE THE NEXT
to do what the Ex's did to you...,
ABUSE YOU,
THINK OF THE ....
Love he's giving..,
You as a women and for
giving the realationship a chance,
Wow to just be a ma!,
HIS STRUGGLES,
GOT ME IN a TRANSITION OF FEELING HIM
AND LISTENING TO ALL YOU MEN!...
I  Apologies if this Was ever me
(I bet I did it too acted petty and lost a good Man,)
I AM THANKFUL AND YOUR HEAVEN SENT.
AGAIN TO ALL THE GREAT MEN...
To all you Wonderful MEN...I say AGAIN TY...
I know some of the ****
your in and I feel your pain at times Too,EVEN
if I don't ALWAY Understand You,
Even when I'm Yappying my Mouth...,
Talking a bunch of ****,
I give Thanks to you,
all you men For DEALING with it!
Hench I dedicate this
to You Men
Cuz I can only Guess About.....
A MAN'S STRUGGLES!!!
Always Me Ayeshah

When your ex,
Texts you on some..
"Babyyyy where you been?
I miss you and i need you, always feel you like the wind"....

**** you left me though?..
Why'd you even save my phone?..
I thought we went our separate ways i thought that we were grown?..

That's when she calls me up, && i smell it in her tone..
If only she knew, Alcohols a quick escape and not a home..

Shes like..
"Naaaa nah bruh,
ive only dranken just a lil.....
But in honesty,
like really we should go on dr.phil.."

Proceeds, on some..

"i need a ride, whats for dinner, why dont we go visit moms"
playing the Weeknd, on a weekend, its The Same Old Song.

i always pick her up, and drop her off at Katie's..
******, like **** you know **** well she can get this crazy!
Now Katie's mad like, "****, you be her roommate then!"
I'm like, that was the plan but that **** caved in..

Well, this will probably happen again next week, & the week after.
what a long, sad and repetitive chapter..
i mean to most drunk texting is a matter of laughter,
but it leads me to drunk text her back & attack her...

On some,
"Babeeee where you been...
I miss you and a need you, & i feel you like the wind.."

Shes like..we talked about this before..you never hit me up when your sober.

I'm like,
"nor do you, so so so when you coming over?"

She hangs up. .
Happens twice a month.
im sober when shes drunk..
& when shes sober im a chump.

relationship? Or relation-****?
Either way,
Far from a REALationship.

But i guess you can say, at least we speak it could be worse...
by the way, later today its my turn to text her first..




-afj

Always on your feet, floating through seas of people and over the hustling and bustling streets. I was thought at an early age that you don't need to rush love it will come eventually, they never said it would stay

I've been conditioned that love is something worth waiting for, its something magical that when it happens it will just take your breathe away and leave you speechless. I would have never imagined that it would hit me like a train leaving me breatheless and vanish like smoke rendering me speechless.

A millennials love is something rare, Everything is on the fast lane there's never a pause or a dull moment to think what the next move is. I have never really fallen for a gir I've gone out with before because I never had the time to really get to know them, As fast as I could make the word come out of my mouth they were even faster at getting up and leaving me

I've been sorrounded by vultures waiting to feed on the carcases of my dead realationship. Gazing upong my body looking for the scraps of meat I yet to hold.

Oh what perfect timing, Just as I was falling down you picked me up. You leveled mountain ranges, tamed raging seas and calm stormy skies.

A love you rare, so simple and yet so meaningful, A love of its most simplest and purest form.

I've never been "That girl"
That girl who comes out of a realationship.
And instantly finds herself in another.. Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess it was just mever destined for me to be "that girl"
That girl, who never stops having people confess their love for her
That girl who people can't stop talking about, how pretty they are.
That girl who can get guys to buy her a drink at the bar.
By the pattern of her soft lips and a hair flip.
Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess, it was just never destined for me, to be "that girl"
That girl who knows how to flirt properly.
That girl who can put her makeup on flawlessly
That girl who can post a photo to facebook and not find a million insecurities, lurking at the tips of her fingers, as she presses the share button.

And i know that i shouldn't let these things define my femininity.
I know, that i shouldn't let these things bother me, but.. They do.
It's like having a lack of popularity in this world, is seen as an abnormality.
It is seen as less than womanly.
And i'm always forced to ask myself 'what's wrong, with me?'

But maybe it's because i was never destined to be "that girl"
Maybe it's because i was destined to be something more!
To be that girl who just lives her life.
That girl who loves herself for who she is, and doesn't rely on popularity to make herself feel alright.

That girl who knows what she wants, and fights until it's her's.
That girl, who still has insecurities, but.. At the end of the day just says 'whatever?
Because we all know who runs the world'
I wanna be that girl.

Dear First Love,
       With all my heart, i can truly say i love you. U will never know how much you mean to me. You have made me smile, and you have made me cry, but through it all my love never died. I never knew i would fall so hard, but i will say i dont regret it at all. Ive grown to love everything about you. From your curly hair, to ur freckles, to the tip of your toes. You've impacted my life in so many ways. I dont know if you know how much i appreciate you. Thanks for all the times i needed you, and you were actually there. Thanks for pushing me to go get my permit, giving me the hope that a job would finally come my way and being there when i needed to vent on some tough times i was going through. I couldnt ask for anything more. I hope i did my job in being there for you when you needed me. I tried my best in being perfect just for you. First love, just know together or not i will always love you, and every moment your thinking of me, im thinking of you too. Our realationship has been tough. Really tough i might add. But its brought me so much happiness in spite of all the crazy drama. Theres memories weve made that i will never forget (smiling while writing). My favorite memory was the first time i really started to like you. Sitting in the car holding hands just listening to music. You creeped your little self into my heart that day. Ever since ive never been able to go a day without thinking of you. Remember when we used to go ice skating, or when we raced at mcdonalds, or when we used to write poetry about each other all the time. Lol. I swear we communicated better through poetry then words back then. I always understood you more though your poems. Another memory i can never forget was December 25th. Great day. First the present with all the wrapping paper then the movies. Then you asked me to be your girlfiend. I was so shocked i couldnt believe it. I swear that was the happiest day for me.I remember my exact feeling. I remember thinking to myself woow, hes really mines now, all ive ever wanted, the guy ive always wanted to be with, i loved you then and there, just couldnt say the words. We hadnt gotten to that stage yet. But there came a day i knew with every inch of my body that i was in love with you. I couldnt help it. You were just perfect to me even through your wrong doing. I fell in love with the Eric that loved to hug and hold me, the one that knew i was what he wanted so faught for me, the guy that tried to make things better right after he messed up. That was my first love. The Eric that tried. Im just waiting for him to come back. I miss him so much. I havent seen him for a while but i know hes still there. I hope one day, when your ready for love the right way, that i will still be there. Ill be waiting for now. Ive always had hope in us. We still have more memories to create, prom, dances, ocean city, maybe paris lol. I cant wait and i hope that we one day comeback to enjoy those days together. But for now. I must let you go, because my heart is hurting and i dont know how much more i can take. Ill always be there for you first love, i promise, i just hope one day youll be ready for me and my love.  I love you so much Eric Martin! Your my heart.

Sincerly Mariah

P.S. forever my little freckleface

They say family over friends but some friends are closer then fam. To me its the realationship youve built no matter friend or fam.  To me its all about who really gives a dam. I mean does you fam really care about you or is it just that their blood runs through you. Do your friends really care or are they just tryna use you. Its a matter of time before there true colors shine through. All im tryna say is becareful who you clinge to. Because all the time you've spent trying to fit in to your fam and friends was a waste of time and vain pursuit. So i say get in where you fit in no matter wat others think of you. And that place where you fit in is with the who created and died for you! Every one has there opinion and everyones going to judge you but why care what they say when they dont have a real clue

After a 3 hour long conversation that was constantly on the tipping point of disastrous and some hurt feelings and a patched up goodbye, I retreated to my room wondering if we could really make this realationship work if we're both going to act as young as we are. But when I logged into Facebook past my curfew, like I've done too many times, I found the recording of the song in my inbox. You said you just recorded it to make up for . . .  Yourself. I listened to it, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a little, because I've missed your voice so badly and I was so violently reminded of that fact that we will make it. We will make it and I need to stop worrying. But don't worry, I was smiling so hard through my tears that my cheeks ached and now I'm still laughing out of happiness.

your eyes are so comforting and warm
that comes with a price
your smile is bright like the sun
that is also costly
you're in a realationship
ugh the most expensive of them all.
we could dance among the flowers dear
but everything comes with a price, so we dance among the thorns.

I swore to myself once that i would never experience heartbreak again
because for me heartbreak is not heartbreak
and i can know i also had normal heartbreak
mine feels like the death of a family member times 10
it grew like that, circumenstances led to that
no im here, you said youd be there
together we were everday
moments we shared without having to say
how we felt or what we thought
cause we felt happy ad full in eachothers arms
no better place to be
i want to close my eyes sink away in you and see
all your beauty
it plays and softly tickles my heart
when i come up there are your soft lift to kiss
they taste delicious, i want more
but the lips are not enough
i rip your clothes of and you mine
without a thought you push it inside
you push it so hard, you dont want it out, as if t has to hide
as deep as possible, i want more i want harder
then slap my ***, skracht my face
im not even able to think anymore at this point
stuck in a haze
in this moment of exactasy to see you contiuninung on ******* me
makes only able to seehe explosion  inside of me
full of lights and tingles and body fluids and dirtyness
what a bless
after that you alway stood up threw me toiletrol
like "fix it yourself"
i mastrubated sometimes eve more, so my soul came loose from its core
shaking inside of my body
i gently cleaned your parts with the same toiletrol
you come sit next to me, and we dont need to say anything, we can but its also okay to just be
i lay my head on your chest and for the first time in my life i fell asleep like that
totally happy and satifies looking out to the next morning where we could eat, talk and laugh with eachother
we  really loved one another
did we ever talk about what our ideal life would be like?
maybe it would be totally different or maybe  unbelievably the same
we could have worked through that life day by day
insteadof getting frustrated and putting blame
we all want to be happy, every person on this earth
havent you hearth, i never knew your ideal life, you never knew mine
you decided to start ghosting
and hosting
other girls, i was just a step in the pass of the walk that is your life
for me you were helping me survive
when i met you, you were so different than anybody ive ever met
i snapped out of depression , i wanted to only have fun with you
and fun we had, in every stupid small room, just the two of us
dancing or letting my head bleed, stiill laughing, together we always would land on our feet
like a cat
and then our story becomes sad
it didnt 'happen', we ccreated it
me and also you
there are things we did not do
and should have
and things we did
that we shouldnt
we alsno never talked about what annoyed us about the other
we never really commincated, god i wish you knew that 5 minutes can make
10 years of difference, maybe even more
its so important
its the core of every relationship
we were attached to the hip
knitting it off hurted, then you ran away laughing and free like i was causing you troble and bad luck
meanwhile you should have been gratefull that i love to **** your ****
also to lick it slowly and then hard
and thats how life goes, moments of peace, moments where everyone is happy and all is good
then something happen, the world shakes harder and harder, do you leave this world, is it the faut of the person your with
or do you stay and face the end, and see the beautiful expolosion
in motion
after that again there is serenity, life  cant alway be a simple walk, its hard
especialy relationships, its why i wish i would have been a better girlfriend
i wish i could have openen up more to love
cause in the realationship i already protect myself for the hurt
which came anyway when you decided to leave
we spoke we said slowly
but you ran, and never showed your face again
what was i supposed to do on four legs stiches in my hip, my best friend and lover gone
i was all alone
firtst thought was dying
but that seemed a bit much
there is nothing i can do than heal, unless you come back than i can show you more happiness than before
1000000000 x more i will be a better girfliend and be there for you
uluc
dont leave me, think about it
i genuinly love you, it is rare in this time to find
we would be blind not to try and give eachother a kiss
and a hug
i should tell more about my  inner world and make less sarcastic jokes
you should communicate more, about what to you is an eye sore
for example ***** plates
and i should clean more, be a bit more mowan for you, i can do that
and you should communcate how you feel, dont break up cause you want to **** someone else
we can always discuss that
only go when you are sure you dont love me anymore
im not sure about that so therefore
i am still here
say the words and im gone
but we could with a little effort make life 100000000 x better
and be actually happ with eachother
i want to come home in te evening lay agains you and smell your heavy smell
i want you to be happy i want to see that uluc smile, i  always did
i always cared wanted , you well
or should i have been a huge *****
would that have kept you longer
i dont care cause to me its stronger
the most strongest actually
its almost my religion
to be yourself always and anytime
**** what others think, if you can be yourself
you can be free
thats all i want to be, free, its who i am its me
excpt from you you can join in and belong
You can come home my tone come sing my song
It must get way more beautiful together than alone
And with practice we can get it  perfectly synchronized
I love you always
I want you in my life
I can forgive and forget
I hope you also can, cause ****, I acted like a crazy *****
But I am not you know this, ask anyone they know this
Almost opposite, I just was so shocked
And I hate loss, I didn't know how to survive without you next to me
When I wake up it is you I want to see or an empty spot you just charged up

I swore to myself once that i would never experience heartbreak again
because for me heartbreak is not heartbreak
and i can know i also had normal heartbreak
mine feels like the death of a family member times 10
it grew like that, circumenstances led to that
no im here, you said youd be there
together we were everday
moments we shared without having to say
how we felt or what we thought
cause we felt happy ad full in eachothers arms
no better place to be
i want to close my eyes sink away in you and see
all your beauty
it plays and softly tickles my heart
when i come up there are your soft lift to kiss
they taste delicious, i want more
but the lips are not enough
i rip your clothes of and you mine
without a thought you push it inside
you push it so hard, you dont want it out, as if t has to hide
as deep as possible, i want more i want harder
then slap my ***, skracht my face
im not even able to think anymore at this point
stuck in a haze
in this moment of exactasy to see you contiuninung on ******* me
makes only able to seehe explosion  inside of me
full of lights and tingles and body fluids and dirtyness
what a bless
after that you alway stood up threw me toiletrol
like "fix it yourself"
i mastrubated sometimes eve more, so my soul came loose from its core
shaking inside of my body
i gently cleaned your parts with the same toiletrol
you come sit next to me, and we dont need to say anything, we can but its also okay to just be
i lay my head on your chest and for the first time in my life i fell asleep like that
totally happy and satifies looking out to the next morning where we could eat, talk and laugh with eachother
we  really loved one another
did we ever talk about what our ideal life would be like?
maybe it would be totally different or maybe  unbelievably the same
we could have worked through that life day by day
insteadof getting frustrated and putting blame
we all want to be happy, every person on this earth
havent you hearth, i never knew your ideal life, you never knew mine
you decided to start ghosting
and hosting
other girls, i was just a step in the pass of the walk that is your life
for me you were helping me survive
when i met you, you were so different than anybody ive ever met
i snapped out of depression , i wanted to only have fun with you
and fun we had, in every stupid small room, just the two of us
dancing or letting my head bleed, stiill laughing, together we always would land on our feet
like a cat
and then our story becomes sad
it didnt 'happen', we ccreated it
me and also you
there are things we did not do
and should have
and things we did
that we shouldnt
we alsno never talked about what annoyed us about the other
we never really commincated, god i wish you knew that 5 minutes can make
10 years of difference, maybe even more
its so important
its the core of every relationship
we were attached to the hip
knitting it off hurted, then you ran away laughing and free like i was causing you troble and bad luck
meanwhile you should have been gratefull that i love to **** your ****
also to lick it slowly and then hard
and thats how life goes, moments of peace, moments where everyone is happy and all is good
then something happen, the world shakes harder and harder, do you leave this world, is it the faut of the person your with
or do you stay and face the end, and see the beautiful expolosion
in motion
after that again there is serenity, life  cant alway be a simple walk, its hard
especialy relationships, its why i wish i would have been a better girlfriend
i wish i could have openen up more to love
cause in the realationship i already protect myself for the hurt
which came anyway when you decided to leave
we spoke we said slowly
but you ran, and never showed your face again
what was i supposed to do on four legs stiches in my hip, my best friend and lover gone
i was all alone
firtst thought was dying
but that seemed a bit much
there is nothing i can do than heal, unless you come back than i can show you more happiness than before
1000000000 x more i will be a better girfliend and be there for you
uluc
dont leave me, think about it
i genuinly love you, it is rare in this time to find
we would be blind not to try and give eachother a kiss
and a hug
i should tell more about my  inner world and make less sarcastic jokes
you should communicate more, about what to you is an eye sore
for example ***** plates
and i should clean more, be a bit more mowan for you, i can do that
and you should communcate how you feel, dont break up cause you want to **** someone else
we can always discuss that
only go when you are sure you dont love me anymore
im not sure about that so therefore
i am still here
say the words and im gone
but we could with a little effort make life 100000000 x better
and be actually happ with eachother
i want to come home in te evening lay agains you and smell your heavy smell
i want you to be happy i want to see that uluc smile, i  always did
i always cared wanted , you well
or should i have been a huge *****
would that have kept you longer
i dont care cause to me its stronger
the most strongest actually
its almost my religion
to be yourself always and anytime
**** what others think, if you can be yourself
you can be free
thats all i want to be, free, its who i am its me
excpt from you you can join in and belong
you can come humm my tone come sing my song
it must get way more beautiful togeter than alone
and with practice we can get it  perfectly synchronized
i love you uluc
i want you in my life
i can forgive and forget
i hope you also can, cause **** i acted like a crazy *****
but i am not you know this, ask anyone they know this
almost opposite, i just was soshocked
and i hate loss, i didnt know how to survive without you next to me
when i wake up it is you i want to see or an empty spot you just charged up

Evertime
I think I understand
I've finally figured it out
How to feel better

I lose the thread
Unraveld to knots
Displayed in my hands

It ends up leaving me
As empty as before
Drops on hot stone
Vaporizing in an instant

Running after firsts
First kiss, ***, realationship
More friends, better friends
Opening up more

Find work, find better work
Don't get sick again,
Stay healthy

Work out,
Get stronger,
Look better

Travel to the other side of the world
Away from what you know
Different places, same ****

What's next on the agenda?
A child?
A family?

Colletreal damage
In the making
The joker is missing from the deck

I need to fix myself first
Unhealthy means unable
To provide and protect
And what am I worth then?

In the meantime
I grow lonely, needy
I get lost again and again
Circumstances are never ideal

Why even bother
Trying to find a suitable partner
Against the odds

Just to let new, old problems surface
Time to get messed up, again
Designed to fail from the start
"Don't fall for the first person you meet"

You can only go step by step
For so long
What steps to what end again?

How can I be stuck
Now
In a stalemate?

All I asked for was
To be better
To be heathy
And to be at peace

Where did I go wrong?
I followed my instincts
Trying to do the right thing
Like everyone else

How am I supposed to walk the right path?
It remains hidden in the dark
Next to all these bright ones
Out shining me

I'm left guessing
And I'm guessing wrong

If I look up
I still can't see the summit
Hidden in the clouds

If I look down
I get dizzy from the height
Seeing how far I've come

The further I go the thinner the air
I'm out of breath, of will, of life
A lack of substance

If I think to much
About the path I'm on
All the crossroads and obstacles ahead
I panic and trip

But
If I manage to hold on
To take a moment
and catch my air

Then it s that I can see
Just for a glimpse

How beautiful the view
And exciting the journey

Before I go on
Get back to managing it