It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
more
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
seen
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.

How funny life is
Ain't it
Come to the cafe
Where I met you all this months ago
But yet not a word is spoken
I pertend as if I don't known you
For the horror of betrayal
Of being cast aside
Rejected
Hurts too much
I notice
How people
Act when they want to be polite
But I won't be anymore
Instead I'll just stare
And write
I don't own you a smile.
I don't owe anyone
My self respect.

A time for change of how we are doing and living our lives we must focuss on our future ladies and gentlemen be happy and make sure others are happy among you although some may not show it they pertend to like you but it's never right to show your ability to change who they are for some all of their lives hate you no matter who and how you treat them they must take a look at themself for life is too short to keep battling with others and keep doing wrong.  For life changes are coming and we as people need to start first to make the first change. By praying for change. Loving one another in this day and time.

My whole life everyone has abused me
hurt me
tried to shrink me
laughed at me, when I was down
spat at me
and told me I was nothing.

Now you know whats even better
the men who laugh at me objectify me
the women who insult me my body
and who I am,
think that I am worthless
maybe you haven' experienced what I have in life,
but I will say this,
you haven't seen me in my villian era.

See many feminists
won't actually admit
that women
can be just as bad as men or worse
see it ain't about gender
its about a certein kind of people
who are rotten to the core,
and they don't show their face,
until after they are done.

But KARMA sees and knows.

oh so this goes out to all my haters
everyone that acted like my friend
and was my actual flesh and blood
who harassed my body
made ****** jokes about me
who hate me for just existing,
well really you just hate yourself
and when these things have happened to me
I would just wanna die
and say what's the point??

and I still feel that way ,
but this time
I am even more empowered
to be even more in my power
and to not allow those who are
toxic as hell
to take me down anymore!

One day I will meet my people
and the ones who deserve it will
get what they need,
because that's how the universe works
I trust it
I have my whole life,

always tried to be the good person
but no more.
I just laugh
because its always the men
who claim to be feminists
and woke,

its the women who pertend to be awakened and spiritual
y'all are just lying pieces of sht
so don't pertend to be awakened
when clearly your just a piece of hell.
I hope you learn your lesson
because I ain't being around you anymore.

I allow the dark feminine to rise within me
and I say enough is fcking enough!!

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.

You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.