Rumpled sheets
Stacked dishes
Heaped clothes

Agenda
Script
Novel
Novel
Novel

Slipping shoes on
Arriving almost
Staying after

Dedication
Perserverance
Optimism

Did anyone ask you?

Where one cycle ends
there is birth of new beginnings
Sometimes you gain more losing
than you ever could at winning
The outlook is your choosing
learning is a gain
and if you keep reliving
it will remain the same.

there is a great yearning to draw closer to my God
yet theres been so much bombarding me constantly that i turn to instead of You
meaningless, everything, all these things are meaningless
not one is more worthy of my time than You
i let these thoughts sink in, penetrate me to the bone and depths of my soul
but it doesn't seem to make a difference
i am drowning in my own ocean that i have jumped into at my will
Grace, i am so undeserving
you're there, you care
but how could you give a forty-third, or maybe two hundred and-seventh chance to a lonely, desolate girl so desperately trying to repent and release from the sins of her life
for these wounds remain deep and i know the error of my ways
but i can't let go of the world thats pulling me in
down, down into the pit, the smooth rolling path to darkness
and i succumb
"Delight in Giving! do not Give grudgingly or out of necessity, but out of the joy of your heart and the love of God manifested in you, and what you give out, you will recieve back the same measure!"
the simplest words, the hardest actions to carry out.
i act in anger and callousness to the ones i love most.
i just harshly the ones i don't know at all and the ones closest to me.
do i ever go without judging anyone?
i love so deeply when i do love, and now it seems to lead to my demise
i love the ones who are wrong for me
the ones who have dragged me to this empty state


haven't i heard the words before? haven't i been taught the way out?
haven't i grown up in the house of my Father where all my life's guidelines were laid before me with lovingkindness and vision for the future?
when will i learn?

i feel like you're so far away and i'm here stuck in this wretched state of mind and spirit.

the narrow road seems to small for me to enter
or maybe its because im trying to squeeze the bags of ******* i'm carrying through it at the same time.

the act of letting go

help loose the vices, help cure my diseases
this seems too much, i fail unceasingly
there seems to be no hope for me
although i know you're on my mind all the time
i continue to hear words of wisdom from others, even though they're not directed at me
all i need are signs
all i need is to know you're going to get me through this
i'm holding you to it
you can't let go, it will be the end of me.

sin is the anchor holding me down

isn't there an easier way out than this?

this must be why you said, "few will find it."
well i'm going to press in
and i'll find that gate to the smallest path
the quiet way that the world looks over and never notices
and when i do i hope you help me through
all i want is to see your kingdom
many are called but few are chosen
i was chosen before i was born,
but as ive learned,
birthrights can be sold. for meaningless treasures.

tell me i haven't made the deal, tell me my soul is still recorded in your book
i need life after this
i need joy and unspeakable relief and love for eternity, not unfathomable pain and torment and blasphemy forever

tell me it's not too late

clean me up, show me how to live

take me out of this dreadful ocean of apathy and despair
the willingnses to let go is something i need now more than ever


my heart feels far from yours
take notice of my feeble hands
hold them, hold me close, lead the way, carry me Grace, across the ocean of doubt and despair.

i'm asking for your forgiveness
for my lack of faithfulness

i'm asking
for your
forgiveness

such a lack of faithfulness

rock bottom feels too apathetic
where do i go

only you know the thoughts in my head and can speak to me the perfect words i need to hear
work your glorious ways and show me i'm not alone
tell me there's something after this trial
what is this trial anyways?
am i complaining about something that's not there?
or should i be concerned?
to regret, or not regret?
choices have lead me to this point, but what if certain things i've done i wish i could take back?
is it wrong?

you know me inside out
now please, take these prayers from a lonely, apathetic, graceless girl,
who needs love, who wants love, who wants to show compassion and hope and joy and giving and mercy wherever needed.
the spirit must manifest in me at some point.
in due time
you circle the sky and wait for the greatest moment to set in

i hardly know the thoughts in my own head
i hope some are Yours

thank you for paying attention

when i feel no one else does.

when i feel like no one cares,
you look down on me and smile.

all i need
is a little

perserverance

I've walked many late night walks.
I've talked many late night talks.
I've watched the sun drop,
and the people fall.
Their struggle like mine.
Their monotony refreshingly tired.
Their chaos a sign --
entropy is alive and well.

Their pain is salve to blisters,
cracking and dry.
Their frustration, a relief.
Their stumbling words --
a little too deep.

Their patience enfolds.
Their perspiration consoles.
Their broken pieces pump a heart.
Their meandering is a straight shot.
Their ***** cleans shoes
Their malice graces you
Their cringe softens faces.
Their flooding tears wash it.
Their pride, a humility.
Their turbulence, a gliding
Their purposelessness, a divine right.
Their flounder, a vibe.
Their past, a present.
Their fans, a famous.
Their selfish, a gracious.
Their falling, a falling up.
Their pretend, a realization
Their sadness, a joy.
Their stumble, a freeform.
Their tired energy.
Their weakness, a strength.
Their plain, an eclectic.
Their dull, an electric.
Their screen, a seeing.
Their absorption, a being.
Their terror, a bravery.
Their whining, a safety.
Their fear, a fearlessness.
Their rock bottom, a peak.
Their peasant, a princess.
Their settle, a refusal.
Their stiff, a flexability.
Their tough, an ingenuity.
Their pale, an ivory.
Their hail, a haloing.
Their *****, a clean.
Their fortune, a fiend.
Their silver, a gold.
Their waste, a sold.
Their clutter, a space.
Their trouble keeping pace.

I've suffered in the throes
of writer's block for seven sordid days
I've spent the wordless week wandering in a silent daze
I tried to pick the lock to lift the fog and haze
But the words were stacked against me backed into their dark caves
They never left me entirely they were cold and huddled together
in the sticky-damp attic of my mind mumbling themselves chanting in time
I thought the ***** would loosen their fearful grip on reality
but the words proved to be a stubborn people
singing We Shall Overcome while hovering
behind my whiskey-drenched eyes
I tried jumping up and down up and down
nightly to rattle one word loose
Just a lonely word a sick child of a word
the one with the least hand strength and the most fierce imagination
but even this word proved thick with endurance
vitality perserverance and clung tightly to his handholds
Any attempt to moisten my palate with the
smooth syrupy texture of a word
was met with bitter reluctance by my parasitic tongue
as if a mountain man were holding a red-hot iron
inches away from my bread hole
There they clung with surpirising tenacity
on the steep cliffs of my inner skull
Some of them proved hungry to be spoken
but the sacred few I managed to twist into an
audible figurine balloon were useless and elastic
Words like **** and **** were flowing like ichorous
from the aperture in the front of my face
They dangled and then I broke free.

As crafters craft and artists art
all things Beautiful were once apart.
Brought together by Work and Pain,
Perfection is sought again and again.

But it is only through Agony and a convoluted sense of Direction
that Man and the Universe can create Perfection.
Accidental masterpieces brought daily into being,
Beauty is not only Seen through seeing.

Tears that cloud our jaded sight
make that once unclear terribly bright.
One view of the World is never enough,
it is the Visions of others that make our Works tough.

All labours of Love, do not always Love find,
but that is because to Love we are blind.
Love is an ability that colours our emotion,
thus, a single man can move an ocean.

A river, an ocean, a dam of time
each human is given his Voice to rhyme.
A wave, a ripple, a tsunami effect
that changes in magnitude only in what we expect.

These clashes and crashes, shatter and break.
It is not our Strength that determines how much we can take.
It is our Determination and Perserverance alone
that distinguishes a boulder, a pebble, a stone.

The cracks and tears,
the pleasures and cares,
mean that Beauty through Perfection sought
with Tragedy and Imperfection is wrought.

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

MOMENT IN THE SUN
When you shall shine bright
Like light glows within you
Like your skin is a bulb
And your eyes
Shall
Prove delight
True love not hidden
that is the time you will say
‘Thanks  God, today’s my day’
A day that will be  unique
Your  best moment
within the
sun
success
shall be rewarded
you shall be delighted
you shall sing the best song
best dancers shall participate
the secret is only one sentence
press on, keep work alive,
Meaningless stories
kindly forget
for time
holds
for
them
and others
you may wish for.
My CUP
I hold my cup
My trophy is
Awarded for success
This far I came,
Wasn’t simple at all
I cracked even harder walls,
People were surprised and asked for the secrets I had
Ofcourse I had none,
The faith within me
The driving force   that kept me going
The patience and perserverance
All, I kept that were so painful
All I fogave, for the unforgivable they did to disappoint me
For the mocking and the spiting they did behind me,
All were meant to be like they war
I cracked through them,in no big blows,
I never fought to win
I kept love,
I kept patience,which was so hard to
And like a termite,
I picked one soil at a time, to achice a very big anthill
Man can spent time,only t be defeated…
That was my secrets
And they handed me this cup
This throphy to be specific.

Remember that goal you left behind?
All the time you would dedicate,
Then your motivation began to unwind.
Why, such a small thing can wait.

You stumble upon it again,
Renew your will to commit,
This time with a new action plan.
The fire's finally been lit.

The flame holds strong,
Until priorities creep back in,
Reality comes along,
You realize the dark will win.

To protect the heart of the fire,
You must work through detail by detail,
Let perserverance overcome desire,
And you'll find that you no longer fail.

How many times have I come to this Add Poem page, craving release, a freedom from the overwhelming feelings whipping me about? And how many times have I typed line after line, struggling to make sense of something, anything? It seems as soon as I slow my cathartic typing, all of my feelings prove empty and worthless and crudely scrawled. And I watch as I erase my thoughts, character by character until I return to the intimidating blank screen. I piece myself back together as best as I can and I press on, each time losing hold of yet another fragment of my rapidly dwindling perserverance.

I'll meet you where the treetops kiss the sky
I'll be closer to you there
I'll be feeling you in my heart,
giving me endurance,
giving me pride.

Don't send the Ladybugs this time
Send me your strength if I may be so blunt
Send me your anger,
I shall grow from it.
But send me not your courage and perserverance
For your dear and sweet Callie shall love and cherish them more highly than if they be mine own.

When blue bids farewell you shall return to the most heavenly place you have known,
And the love you have left behind
will rain down as stars
washing away all the pain and sorrow
until the treetops kiss the sky next.

*I'll meet you soon.