I am not some street cowboy punk
i am a quiet sweet rampant drunk
i play the spoons with the air of a saint
i have a tongue that can swallow paint
sour and acrid, the tone of my voice
i have never left without a choice
punched back sideways
even more today than tomorrow
for your heart i will bed, steal or borrow
Superman don't have ***** on me
don't need no wings now i am free
saving the restless, curing the weak
you can laugh at me when i dance like a freak.
I will kiss you when i drink too much wine
when i am restless and hungry you will be mine
I will do nothing when you are nothing to me
i will drive you crazy with all you can be
no more talkin no more of that ****
i'll hold you apart, break you bit by bit
if you're too polite i'll bite my tongue
i'll whip you and shake you, then i'm done.
carefree to be careless, shareless boy talk
tell me to go and i will surely walk
don't ask me to be kissed or hold my hand
i am not that girl that you left unplanned
i am a midnight demon on ferocious terms
i grasp you and hold you tight and firm.
I am not lost, or fragile or broken bound
i am not looking for someone to make a sound
i am no paige boy scarlet harlot wild child thing
i am not yours, can't you hear your telephone ring?
I am a sordid freak of gigantic endeavours
i will solder your heart regardless of your tremors
i am torturous and painful and weak to the bone
i am the mightiest fallen, can you not see my throne?
i have a **** me, buck me, tie-me-tight gaze
if i look at you slowly, be patient but don't wait
i want everything and all and i want it now
i am no gleaming bronze statue know-all-know-how
i am surely what you ever thought you knew
i am surely what you never thought when i met you
i am free to please anyone at night
i am free to sit and cry by candlelight
alright now, oh baby its all right now
**** me gently and i'll show you how
to be nothing more than anything is something i suppose
but i really can't tell for the state of your clothes
you dress me up slightly more than your vision
i've never met a person with such succint precision
and well here i go, superbly astute and blunt
never did i see such a spectacular *** ****
and well that is really the way that i go
i fly here, there, everywhere i flow
i am not some pretty naieve little thing
i am a mess of entirety with 2 engagement rings
i'm living with despondence and its ******* me off
******* batman i hear you cough
come see me, come stay a while
come see me, come see me, and i will ******* in style

I would like to think that by the age of 6, i would have turned deaf, from the hands being placed on my ears to escape bullets of words. Shattering around me, i wished to grow up. By the age of 8, i knew my place and, my place knew me. I lived in a minefield, during a war i had not realised was going on. I had unbroken bones which bled from the inside, my mind was torn in to a million pieces and at 10, i didn't know what childhood was, and wished i was alone.

By 16, I fell into a man, a man who's hand it took 2 years to gain from his mother, as she sat there smoking and drinking hot water with lemon to be diet thin. Trimmed the fat a bit when we both left the country, and he got a girl pregnant in India, with twins, which she later aborted; I was in Canada, and 18 when i wished i was blind.

I followed through, travelled the world, til i was 21, became a university student, a best friend, a lesbian, and went to a foreign country were you are forced to use your goodness to be a force of good, which no-one sees as good, but as a hand out, and i lost good friends and saw bad men lose theirs, at 21, I saw the world and i was i was emotionally devoid in a climate of acclaimed peace.

By 26 i was a mother, uncontrollable love and grief flowed through me, like rain is dissolved by the streams in the hills. I picked up my smiling, beautiful child, which had became my night, noon, morning and day, and i wished i could repair the tear within my soul, to encompass all the love i had for my son; and the tear remained patched up with sellotape; I wished I had been a better child.

I lost all consciousness from 27 til 28, love turned to hate, i lost my love, and picked up a young one, if only she was to physically show me what my ex had not been telling me all along; what my ex boyfriends mother made me feel for 2 years, and the way my father left, whilst my mother was pulling me up the stairs, by my hair. At 28 I realised i had made the wrong decision.

From 28, here on out the wind blew, and it blew down to the valleys, and there i found the love of my life. We found and created an indestructible friendship and love, the first only and ever to support me and our goals, she helped me stand up to my father; who then ended our own father/daughter relationship. And not 3 months shy later, when myself and my son mouthed our love and said goodbye. We returned to an empty house. I sacrificed my grief for a small boy who cried for a non-existent person. At 29 my heart was destroyed in a slow burning bonfire.

I replaced the love with the lost, and gladly filled up my tank with lost souls of lost girls, who had lost their souls from some other lost soul, and so the cycle becomes fully reborn. I became someone i knew not of. I had a best friend, who i solely loved because she was the vat of hope i desperately needed in the darkest hour, my biggest cheerleader and my ***** compadre. I remember at 29 celebrating a birthday with 2 friends, and looking at the stars and thinking, is this the meaning of my existence? I remember feeling like the winds were about to change.

30. I had moved house, abandoned my son and old life, for a new job, for new money. I sunk like the titanic who did not see the epic gigantic proportion of iceberg that was about hit the ******* fan. I lost the best friend. Slowly through another relationship did i gleam a sensation of love. It was love, but it was demanding and childish, and i pushed her away before she even asked me to be hers;  in i might add one of the most romantic pursuits ever. She became my sons best friend, my dancing partner, she loved me so very very much, and i hated her for it, i hated her so much for loving me, because i was rightly wrong and she was wrongly right. I just turned 31, and she walked out over an argument over bike helmet. I realised, i was a product of my over endless pursuit of love perfect.

At 32, i am single, broke my back at work, i was then dismissed by that work, moved house, began recovery, had a car accident and here i am beginning again. Yet i am in love now with a man, something i have struggled with for a year, i am at my most humble, deep, profound, sense of being in love, without reciprocation than i have even been, and why........?

Well....

When i was 16 i wanted to be 30, i wanted my life to be over. I wanted the dead years to pass. I wanted the hard work to be gone and done. Not because i didn't want to live, but because i had lived so hard before i was 16, that anything else seemed to exhausting for words to even begin to create.

Except i lived it.
I learnt that love is not words, love is words.
Love is the words of your favourite song, emblazoned on a 8ft wall, that you come home to, and see as a surprise.
Love is someone letting you read your book.
Love is not the voice, the meaning, the tone, the perception or allegorical meaning.
Love is not the abuse, the abuser, their demons, their guilt or their silence.
Love is the unspoken word, the deep stare, the knowing glance, a tender reassurance, that this is ok.
Love is your hand holding mine. N.B Handholding is underrated.
Love is not possession, greed, want or desire. They are not yours, you are not theirs.
Love is invisible, yes it is, red balloons don't mean **** on one day a year.
Love is not perfect, but imperfect.
Love is ruthless, and cut-throat.
Love will burn you to the very last core of your being because you cannot contain its power.
Love is not lies, deceit, untruths, stories told to the naieve because you cannot be a lover and have to be a storyteller.
Love is truth, truth that so bitterly hurts, that you want to be porcelain and break into a million pieces, from the chest .
Love is walking, talking, and laughing, always laughing; love is a smile on a face.
Love is hard, and intolerable, it is passionate, and persistent and it is consistent. It does not break, it is not flimsly like a kite in a storm.
Love does not take offence to personal battles and rebukes of deadly warfare.
Love does not change its mind, be unsure, lack responsbility, or drinks you dry, til you are dried out and up.
Love is not ***, love is not lust, lust is not 'go on, you know you want to', love is not sorry in the morning.
Love is not the ***** all night *** sessions that keep the neighbours awake, but it is in the glory of two bodies where love can be found.
Love condemns. Love is a silent recommendation from Disney, Cathy and Heathcliffe, and Ring of BrightWater.
Love is a minefield and a forbidden playground; it is a secret garden and a theme park.
Love is not alone, and it is not together; it is not your children, or your childrens, children; It is within them and without them.
Love is not to be found on the praying may, in the clouds, in a the pew, or in the incense.
Love cries, love wails, love beats at your very chest, love is in death, love is in the birth.
Love.
Love.
Aaah, hmmm, Love, is an indeterminable force, by which, because of its very nature, no-one can define by logic, except that they will, because, what they cannot understand, they use perception of their blinded sight, deaf ears, and lost senses to put into words, something their heart cannot.
You have everything and you have no-one.
You have reason and you have none to be afraid of.
You are your past, and unfortunately, you are not.
You are your damage, your hurt and your pain, and hardest, your own responsibility.
You are worthy, and you are worthless, you have been shamed and you have been glorified.
You are your own future, your own today, and the yesterday.
And despite all the crap ******* memes,
Love is you, and you are love.

By 32, i had learnt to love myself. Inbetween the grieving, there is a silent knowledge, that by 32 i am in love, with myself.

*I wrote this as a very open outpouring of grief i am currently going through, and also an open realisation of the love within and for myself. It is one of my most open and explicit short stories of my life, and even within that there is lots that has not been recognised, because it has been shortened and reconsidered somewhere else. Thank you

i can't talk too loud
i think my whispers are stolen too often
by those who have no clear thoughts of their own
i'm not paranoid
just used to it, these things they came true
long ago.
Thoughts swirling around and above my head
i look up only to see nothing but words
i can't reach them
there's too many
the air is a maze
and its too loud for me to get through.
Everywhere is the slightest bit of air you pushed out
i thought i could catch it
i thought i could breathe it
i was wrong
i was naieve in my ideas
about you.
Never thought something like this could hold me
wrap me up in tight bonds of love
hold my hands by the ceiling
my body left to be devoured by you and your hands
and i am consumed by a spark
glowing in the dark
a thousand miles away.
You sit me down and i am on fire
i am not able to see my self again by the light
the morning light
the night, the night
and i break inside, down
and its closer than i have ever broken before
and we sit here stillness
in the silence
and **** green lollipops.

Did your life stop
Did you rest in the end
Or are you lingering here
Within purgatory
Rising from the maw of hell
Locked under the ceiling of the real world

want leads to greed
want leads to obesity
want leads to death
want leads to determination
want leads to the fake meaning of need
want leads to people being naieve
if there was no want in the world wouldn't it be so much better?
But we can'thave a happy go luck world where everyone's content within what they have can we?
But if there was no want in the world there would be no drive to keep us going,
there would be no people out there who don't just want but truly need to see the world change, to make the world change,
there would be no people out there who will start the evolution,
there would be no people who want to honestly simply HELP,
even if theese people are rare,
even with theese people being scarce,
even with theese people still growing up,
even with theese people wasteing away of old age,
they are still out there.
because thoose people are the one's from every background, who have expierenced it all, who want to expierence it all simply so they can use it to be better to become what the world needs, thrives for, can't keep spinning without.
we the people have the power to change to revolutionize to be different
we the people can shut thoose voices out,
we the people will be better than thoose who can't comprehend, than thoose too weak at the moment,
we the people will help thoose at the bottom screaming for help,
we the people will help thoose in the middle, thoose at the very top, thoose down in the ground that are screaming for our helpping hands,
because we the people simply can,
because we the people have to change the world,
because we the people have to try not for music, not for your parents, not for your future childeren, not for your religion, not because people think it's the right thing to do, But simply because we CAN do what we want simply because we have the POWER to make changes, so my friends take this chance as this world spins to stop it yank it out of the governements fragile, cowardly hands,
and ****** it in the air
Simply because we
CAN

you expect me to care what you do,what you say, what you think,
why?
because you are so use to being judged, because you are so use to being told that that's wrong, not right for you to say, for you to think that,
you expect me to me botherd by your threats,
why?
because you are so use to being scared yourself, because you are so use to not being you out of simple cowardicity, because you are so use to feeding off thoose of the weak you expect us to back down,
you  expect me to scream back in your face,
why?
because so many do that regularly, because you want me to sinnk to your level, because you simply want someone to relate to, someone to be in the same boat as you,
you expect me to rrun away,
why?
because you think you don't deserve what every human does, because you think that if you get help, that if i wanted to help, that you would let me down, because that is what you have been trained to do your entire life, let people down, because you have said no so many times wishing someone would say i know you want to say yes, because you yourself have ran away,
you expect me to stop, and look, and ask what's wrong?
why?
because you think you deserve help, because you think you are lower than i, because you think that i should simply pity you because you are the way you are, because you are in the circumstances you think you are in, because you assume i am a good person,
you expect me to do the right thing,to not betray you,
why?
because you have been cradeld, because you are so naieve, because you have been taught that people in my position ofpower are all good, are to be trusted, are to be romodels to look up to, because you simply want to be right,
you expect me to be loyal, to not lie, to want to be responsible,
why?
because that is what you have been taught is morally correct, because that is what you have been taught is what you must be to go far in life,
you think you are ugly, disgusting,
why?
because you have been told that you are ugly, because you have beentold that people who say you are oretty are lying, because you have been trained, forced, to believe that this is what' s beautiful, that this is whats ugly,
you expect people to care, people to be "good", people to betray you, you expect people to think your ugly, you expect people to say no, to say yes, you expect people to want to strive for better, you expect to be or not to be disapointed,
why?
because your brain was set that opne thing is ight one thing is worng, that you must reach standards to be "good" or to be "bad, because that is wat you have only ever known, because human's are human's. and we are our future death, and we are what will **** this earth, and we are what kills each other, and we are what makes each other happy, and whether we think we are good or bad, whether we need this or thtt it is ecause of society's standards, because of society's rules inwhich "must be obeyed" but what if the true fun part of life is breaking thoose rules, crushing thoose standards, an recreating something that isn't what we have known always.

Reminds me of time before i was even began. Before i even had to understand, before i knew what i had to lose to love again. Before the times i had to learn a lesson, before the games. When i was new and shiny and not rather cool. When i wore my hair down, and couldn't care less about people like you. When i never knew what beauty was or thought about when i would kiss you next. Before i would waste all my heart on a girl who i would sit up all night and txt. Before the days i would take off work to mend a broken heart. Before i met that girl would dance with me in the dark. When i knew to be lost was never a good thing, where i broke my heart but wore her ring. When the irony was lost and i was drowning and suffocating in the pressure of it all.

I would look for every crack, for every little fissure of light. I wouldn't look for the good and bad, or expect the moon, the world or the sun. I never told all those girls 'you're the one'. Looking back now with a smile on my face, and a sadness in my heart. I think of how i really played my part. Which role was i to stumble upon, what would be 'our' song? Reminds me of a time when i never really listened to begin with. I was never really fully understood. I would talk forever and a day and you would never really understand. Remember those girls who were to cool to hold my hand. Or the one i used to watch whilst she slept, or the one who used to weep in her sleep; the one who swore her love, the one who wanted me but had to let go, and the one who just went and stole the whole ****** show. Remember, remember the one i talked to for over a year? Well she was just a daydream, it was to appear.

I was oh so pretty, and so very amazing and nice. So ****** perfect but just a little too good at being me. Memories. Reminds me of a time before. We talked the whole night through. I made more effort than you ever knew. Tried so hard. Gave up twice before. Once i just straight walked away through the front door. Reminds me of a time when i finished her sentences and she finished mine. Thought she was my soulmate and we were forever entwined. Of a time when i laughed just because it was funny and i cried because it was sad. And how time changes and how it seems like the end of the world. Each time i fell, i thought she was my world. All throughout forever. Reminds me of a time before. When i was younger, more naieve, willing and so sure. How i became trapped and guilty, shunned and broken. How i rose like a phoenix. Winds of change; at my best i was deranged. I was to pity the fool i became with each time, i would sit here and write a new rhyme.

Reminds me of a time before i even began, to become who i am today.

You lie
Like the fallen snow
Slumped against the garage door
Flakes drifting
Sticking to my lashes
Melting down my face
The black tears of makeup running
I'm fake
Unreal
I cover myself with color
Afraid to show I'm not dumb
Not naieve
I am not innocent
If people look past my blonde Facade
They could actually see me
Not my mirror image
The giggle
The signature giggle
My trademark
Is fake
The three claps are real
If I revealed the real me would people know
Would they care
Would they notice
What if
If I
Am I
Fake as a barbie

I have the Devil deep inside me
And he’s playing a cruel game
It’s my life ‘Vs’ his life and he’s
Fuelled by all my pain. A deal
I made many moons ago, I shook
His hand and let him know that

Life wasn’t all that it should be
I wanted out, I wanted
Peace. He raised his head then snarled a grin
Opened his arms then pulled me
In, loaned his eyes so I could see the
Deep Red of Eternity

White dust he sprinkled, fires and sparks. My
Life seemed meek in dull contrast
“I’ll give you life in turn for yours, with
One small price to pay of course.
I’ll take away each bowt of pain, I’ll
Teach you how to smile each day

You’ll fool them all, you’ll have good fun, you’ll
Laugh and dance under the sun
As time goes by you’ll grasp the chance to
Reacquaint with confidence
Walk hand in hand with me, you’ll see how
Easy it be, to exist

Carefree” - I knew that life could be much
Worse than all he’d painted with
His words; I was already giving
Up you see. I gave my hand
Reluctantly. He grasped it hard then
Pulled me tight. He stared so deep
Within my eyes that, soon enough I’d

Lost all sight and Line-by-Line
I’d lost my touch, with Magic dust I’d
Found my crutch. The pain subsides,
My soul was priced up Gram-by-Gram, the
Whirlpools spun me round ‘n’ round
And the Devil Cloned me as I drowned

A mind once mine was now half-
Owned. Shame so vast I could barely breath,
False Pretences filled with Greed
These days I walk by in two-halves, each
Day I fight I can hear him
Laugh. “You silly Fool did I not say?

“Addiction is the Price you’ll
Pay?! For everyday you thought you’d Won.
The endless Masks which you’d piled
On, to hide the pain to cheat the game
Avoid life’s lessons you’d made
In vain; with me you chose to spend your

Days. I have your hand. You gave
Your blood, blind-sighted tears because
You ******-up. Indulged in Drugs
You masked your pain and now I hear MY
Name in Vain as you Beg and
Pray for me to end the game. Such a

Naieve young fool you were back
Then to think that ‘I’ would be ‘your’ friend
Now day-by-day you’ll hear me
Laugh as you try to loosen up my
Grasp. With new eyes on the prize are you
Surprised, that you see me ROAR?!”

Don’t Fall down now as you run;
The Devils deal you should not have done!



© 8 hours ago, Karen L Hamilton

I wanna express my gratitude... to the few of you who didn't think I was too young or naieve to give advice. As a person with my analytical mindset, I love problem solving. I told my uncle that I have a weird affinity for broken women. I love people with stories to tell. Love the way legs can still stand despite the struggle. Love watching people break away from their own tragerdies.  I love the thought you can dilute a great concentration of pain with just a little bit of kindness. Like liting candles in pitch black spaces, it only takes something small. My uncle says it's because people like me are wired to seek out things that need solutions. That's not to say they can't find their own solutions. I just like to see if I can play a part. So like tatoo artists on surgey wards.  We sketch our art over people scars. Inject colour into their dark sides. Extend ourselves into their life lines.
We wanna fill what feels hollow.
Inscribe instrustions on how to smile and see if you'll follow.

And to anyone who thought what I said was good enough to act upon... thank you... and sorry.

Because hypocracy is a crime I practice all too often. Putting my own advice into application is extceedingly uncommon.
I would never take my own advice.

Because honesty with my loved ones would cause too much heart ache, I can not simply "just be open and real with her"
I cannot wear this skin with genuine pride because I would never "just be yourself man".
And despite the words falling falling out my mouth as we speak, why the **** would I understand "you are your own worst enemy.  If you'd just believe in yourself you'd be surprised with what you can achieve".
To the many or the few who took my advice.
Who rolled the dice, who paid the price.
A penny for my thoughts  and whether every thing changed or if all was for naught.

Maybe we just need to hear someone else say it. We so often are expected too try and stand tall in a world with ceilings that are too small. All some of us need, is to know that we're saying the right things.

So for everytime I was never told, I'm telling you. Let our voices be glitter and our ears be glue. Let people sparkle! Entice their shine so brlightly that they startle. Tell people all things you wanted to hear.

I remember all the best
Deep in my midnight's rest
Now I remember the kiss
that brings tears to my eyes
I remember riding bicycles
Under October skies
Now there is no chance
No turning back
Or looking back to glance
Because you will not be there

So the memories have been
Written off the page
The recovery has all been staged
Turn your head and say
To the ghosts of another day
I wish you well
Just as when we were all so naieve
In our wildest dreams
we never thought to learn to grieve
Now all I can say . . .
I wish you well

I've got
Socks around my ankles,
A chip on my left shoulder,
And
A lover who's naieve enough
To say I'm meaningless.