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Eyithen Feb 6
I roll my eyes instantly at the mention of "race" and "gender"
Having been oversaturated and now it's bitter on my tongue

Taught to look for agendas and obssessions
Hyperfixation on trauma and eras and mental health
I suppose everyone is mentally unwell when we go seeking for what makes us damaged

And perhaps we are delusional, creating things that aren't there, but we speak it into existence with the power of our lips making shapes and noise,
creating the next trend, lingo, aesthetic,
grouping, pairing, splitting, naming,
explaining away everything.

God this world makes me dizzy.
Tasha Sep 2020
I don't have a personality
I have a diagnosis.
I am not 'very- '
I'm 'hyper- '
I'm not 'bad at'
I'm 'exhibiting dysfunction'.
I'm not forgetful
it's time blindness
I'm not clever
it's hyperfixation
I'm not active
it's stimming
I'm not shy
it's anxiety.
I have a cluster of conditions
balled up in my chest
instead of a heart.
I don't have a brain
I have a doctor's hand behind my eyes
navigating me through the world.
I'm empty without my suffering.
A beautiful woman once sang "My Love is Mine, All Mine."
Meaning no matter what I lost,
I would always have the most precious and irreplaceable thing in my possession,
my love.
I would find that beautiful lyric to be so smart, so true,
so vulnerably sweet.
This was until I had met him

I don't exactly know when he had went from
"Just a boy"
To:
My Heart,
Or My Sweet Boy,
Or My Precious Gem.
I just know that he had earned those titles quite quickly

Our time together was magical.

I was already a chronic laugher,
but with him who knew,
that butterflies in your stomach
could also make you grovel on the ground
whilst gasping for air?
Almost like cramps,
only the pain would be everywhere;
especially your heart.

One could easily call this love, but no,
I had a brain the size of a walnut.
I didn't call this love.
Everything but love,
A Bored Crush
         A Little Hyperfixation
                     A Cool New friend
Anything but that.
My love had belonged to
                       me and
                                   only
                                          me!
I would not entrust it with a man!
a man that makes me feel safe,
heard, cared for,
not even worth mentioning, protected!

If you'd asked me a couple months ago
I'd have called it absolute bull.
Though a couple months ago,
I was incredibly stupid.
To let go of such a man should be a crime,
punishable by death.

Our time together was magical,
So magical that even I am unable to
                                         glorify
                                                  departure.

How could my biggest boundary,
grow to be my biggest regret?
I have grown into finding normality in toxicity, thus self-sabotaging any beautiful thing
I could've shared with a romantic other.
How selfish of me.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
Please return back to me my love.
It has no business being with you.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem;
whom left me in such a rut.
How much longer should you take?
Must you make me wallow in my loneliness forever?

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
You will continue to fault me,
for mistakes I was unaware I even commit.

My Heart,
My Sweet Boy,
My Precious Gem.
You have ruined this beautiful letter of dignity for me,
I care no more for my own love,
and self respect.
You are free to take it, to keep even
May my own mind, body, and soul protect yours, as you sleep.

You need not to elucidate anything to me.
I understand and will continue to grovel in my faults,
to reminisce my sacred moments with you.

Beautiful woman,
were you so true with your words?
Does my love really belong to me?
Should I even be granted such a luxury
with my wrongdoings?

My Sweet Boy, It would seem that, my love, it belongs to you.
I am unaware of whether or not you own it all, or a fraction.
I only know that my love is yours,
You replaced that irreplaceable piece,
How silly that my heart seemed to have
only started beating when, you clumsily touched it.

My Heart
My Dear Boy
My Precious Gem,
Our time together was magical
I will cherish it for as long as my heart,
                        beats
                                 for
                                     you.
This poem is about my first real love. I was stupid back then and was silly to have let go of him. "Commitment," a fear of mine that's ruined so many bonds I had yet to make, hhaaaa
My body and I don't talk much anymore
But every night's a one night stand
Where brief connections are where we can barely stand to meet
My emotions and I haven't been on good terms lately
What does that say if I can't even understand me?

I hold genetics responsible for my obsessive tendencies
I think hyperfixation runs in the family
My father hoards movies
And I could count more DVDs
In our basement than words he ever ******* said to me

My brother liked rubix cubes
So he learned how to solve one in under a minute
Only took him 3 days
And I'm pretty sure the only language I ever spoke belonged to fiction

Is there a word for love that's obligatory?
The place in your chest where the hearts supposed to be?

Nothing is more my catnip
Than gay fiction
Because nothing is so enticing and foreign to me
Than love between men
Something so close to me
yet so out of reach

When I fall in love
I make a point to keep that person at a distance
Proximity breeds diapointment
And the less I know
The less I have to stop loving
That may sound tragic
But it hasn't hurt so far
Ignorance is not bliss
but it IS fleeting
It is temporarily uncomplicated feelings

Let's ignore the divorcé I've become from my body
Let's talk about my social anxiety
In public
where there's a target on my back and the darts are her and she
Let me believe
Pray one day that when I hear strangers say he
I think
I believe
they mean me
Abeer Dec 2022
Hold on to some quietness for heaven's sake
****** nose ring mixed with some
chocolate wedding cake
Poisoning a pill thats kept with a 100 more
Degeneration of subprime mortgage loans
Now the air cools down
Sun starts to choke
Reading some fictional story
About Richard the 4th
Walking past the green light
Heated with misery bells
Shouting everywhere
"Cry for help or death knells"

There is it is again that funny feeling
Oh that funny feeling
There is it is, again that funny feeling
Oh that very feeling

There is some hyperfixation of this very day
It hits me like a single mother
Digging her babies grave
Nature feeling high
rebel against pain
Like crisis that some god
anxiously paved
My cold hands touch
the burning sand
The snows creeps up from the inside
and consumes all land
Perfecting the capture of romance and love
Trying to make sense
feel some ungrateful worth
Now I'm feeling just fine
we were kissing by the way
Tell me I'm here and everything's okay

There it is again, that funny feeling
Oh that funny feeling
Do do do, there it goes my
Body struck to this feeling
Do do do, there goes my
Soul struck to this feeling

Halt the quietness
for the sky starts to rot
Run like headless chickens
In a parking lot
Sink the saddest blues that
you dearly love
High five to the sentence
You secretly bluffed
Build a Lego Gotham city
With your bare hands
Still waiting for that reply
From your only friend
Sinking in that brief smile of
My pretty anxiousness
Slightly dissolving within the range
Of moving abstinence
I badly want to lie about going back to him
Because I wanted it to be you
So so bad
But guess what
I went back to him
While my heart my soul are on you
I close my eyes just to spend time with you
In my dreams
I daydream everywhere i go
Thinking you’re with me in this miserable life
Im mad
A lunatic
But every once in a while
I get to remind myself
That you don’t like me
I am dead to you
I hear your voice saying those words
On repeat
You take me for granted
You treat me far worse than your forgotten clothes
Yet my heart still hopes of your return
Wake up
Stop
Pathetic little girl
I love you
In a month
I found you in the ocean of people
But it wasn’t me you want to be found with
I wonder how long would it take me
To get out of this hyperfixation
How fast could i unlove you
Next month
Will it be next year
Will it be 44 seasons from now
And i wonder
How fast did you forget me
Thinking i am still inlove with my ex
Not knowing i only wanted you

Patiently waiting
For the day when I could finally hear
My heart beating without you
Part I of “I loved you in one Moon” series

— The End —