I have
an appoinment
with disappoinment.

People say that
it's because
of expectations.

But I know that
it's because of
the people I believed
the people I loved.

The blame is to me
to believe them and
to love them.

My favorite fictional character, my antagonist
My protagonist, my happy pill, ,my "laters, baby"
My every book that I read all night, My morning thing,
My whole universe, My pushing pins,
My anger, My melancholia,
My every paradox and oxymoron, My metaphor
and simile - the every comparison to all beautiful things
My sadness that lingers beneath my shadow,
You are the disappoinment to my upcoming success,
You are the one that I have and I can't

And I have not written this to compliment
the love that we had

But to blurt out the things of how our love left me fragmented..

I'm lost in the nebulous dimension of my thoughts.
walking the tightrope of fantasy and reality
Unable to distinguish which is which.  

I'm Lost inside the verses of the song searching for an unknown miracle perhaps.
I never quite figure it out.

I watched as the blood of my ancestry oozed out my wrist
Unrecognisable by my own reflection.
'A disappoinment'
I whisper

and once again, i'm stuck
trapped in this loophole
of disappoinment and
unhappiness

it's like an endless routine
where i'm standing still
watching everyone go
and grow

while i'm just here,
stuck inside the void
inside of me

and once again, i'm stuck
trapped in this loophole

stuck at the lowest point
again (repeat x times)

My heart flutters around you
I feel shivers run through
Got my arms around your neck
Your lips are leaning for a peck
Suddenly you disappear
Left my arms only hugging air

Light coming through my lids
A familiar noise is breaking in
Once my eyes see again
Disappoinment fills my head
I need you next to me
In my king size bed.

mornings are hard for me
and they're getting worse exponentially

because last night i told myself
"it's okay, we'll try again tomorrow"
and i set my worries up on the shelf
only to awaken to another day of sorrow

i sleep too much, but it's filled with chaotic dreaming
waking up ten times, heart racing, staring at the ceiling

because i can't escape all the overwhelming feelings
and i don't know where they came from, but i think it's everywhere
so i'm just sitting here, sobbing and seething
crushing my skull with my hands over my ears

and the only way i can express is through paper and rhyme
but i haven't picked up my pen in such a long time

because i think i'll cancel my therapy appointment
since last week i told her i've been off my meds for a month
and i'm so sick and tired of being a disappoinment...
when i said i was doing well, it was just a front

how many cups of coffee will it take
this morning for me to not feel like a mistake

In this moment I noticed
it was rare I'd have a hopeful response

My greatest belief was in disappoinment
against my will I lost faith in hope

And until it comes true
your words will always be false
until you make it come into fruition

The seeing was my believing

Your disappoinment in me hurts my heart
It cuts like a dull knife
You blame me for my addiction and faults
And show no care for my messed up life
In the people we trust I came to be
Addicted to something he prescribed me
I didn't ask for this, I didn't beg and plead
I just wish you could understand
I never once wanted this need
So family, before you judge me wrong
And disown me for my lifestyle
Open your mind and open your hearts
Put my shoes on and walk a mile
I want to end this addiction
I want to end causing pain
I want to be trusted and loved
I just wanna be me again
                 ~squirrel master~