dad left
for his second tour of duty
on my third birthday

mom kept
a jar full of jelly beans
on the living room coffee table

every night
she gave me one to eat, saying
"when these jelly beans
are all eaten up,
dad will come back home"

sometimes
i would sneak another,
to help dad come home sooner

one night
the phone rang
and i watched mom
wipe away a tear
as she filled
the jar
back
up

He loved her and she loved him
His kisses ****** out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she ******
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and Sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered  into the curtains

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Or everlasting or whatever there was
Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy place
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His word were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assasin's attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
Her glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon's gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows  pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall
Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop

In their entwined  sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage

In the morning they wore each other's face

I love you.
I mean not just you.
I love a lot of people, a lot of things, concepts, etc.
But anyway.
I love you.
Notice I'm not saying I'm in love with you, because that's different.

And I realize and I know.
Not many people feel it like me.
Some days I think my purpose is to give as much as I can and get nothing in return.
I am simply made to feel empty and alone, no matter what.
That's no one's fault but my own.

See, if I could help it, I wouldn't love you.
My love, my affection, my thoughts, my feelings, ****, even my presence is wasted on you.
You couldn't care less what or where I am.
Who I'm  with, who I'm *******, what I feel.
But, I can't hate you for giving me feelings.

It's not YOUR fault I'm like this.
I know I know I know.
But it doesn't help that you nurture my feelings.
When you touch me like you might care.
Like holding my hand in dark rooms. Like kissing me softly.
But you don't care. At least not sober.

I am constantly bending over backwards for anyone.
Even a stranger.
I want to make everyone happy.
I want to help people.
But I can never do it for myself.

What do these matter?
At the park,
There is an empty seat,
Where an ant pass food
To its kind.
An old tire lies
On an old rooftop–
Sometimes, a street kid
Smiles, playing with such.
The Stonehenge and
The Aurora Borealis.
The works of Pablo Neruda.
The Mona Lisa.
The Banawe Rice Terraces
And our being one,
Together. A kiss.
Our kiss.

Poems. Music. Epics. Wind.
Your yellow-painted fingernails.
The blue colors of this country.
The red arrow that bursts
Forth into kisses that drip
All over me. And just to
Gladly die for you. To die for you.

A coherent thought about love
Will always be proven false.
All we become and have to be
Is good ignorance. All we nearly had
Are but cruel clues that ever
So entice. All we ever witnessed
Are nomadic crumbs
Small beaks pecked along
The moony way.
And all sad waters, suns
And sacrificial stars
Will always burn down
Going South. But
What do these matter?

For these,
I am loving you,
Yet, even more.

Now death
Is even more confusing.
And our friend, Time, will soon
Be against us.
So, I am Leo.
And you are Pisces.
Love weaves secrets.
And men love mysteries.*

© 2014 J.S.P.

When she said she wouldn't leave me,
Her words reflected love and affection.
But when,
she finally did,
I realized,
That I was nothing more to her,
Than her favorite pass-time.

She left me broken,
She left me disheartened,
I couldn't explain the situation,
I couldn't control my feelings.
Nights were spent crying,
And days were spent dreaming.

My heart turned stone,
But it was once made of gold.
Is it alchemy,
Or just a sense of perfidy?

The days are already bygone,
But my soul still feels scattered all along.
Small pieces of it calling out in disorder,
Waiting long enough to be put in order.

I will try my best,
To move on,
To forget.
I can force my mind to that,
But who knows about this stubborn heart.