I think I've begun to sleep more than I breathe, and cry more than I speak. The nightmares are better than reality and the tears taste better than my bitter words. It’s like I keep searching for some form of normality, some type of structure. But I so desperately need to understand what normal is and how the **** to do it. I need to understand what structure feels like because Jesus Christ, I’m too unstable to stand up straight. I was born with sadness in my veins and these feelings have been rushing through my bloodstream since 2008. From cigarettes to blow jobs, my mouth is full. But when it comes to telling how I feel, I choke on ashes and ***** and my words won't come out. Now I'm coughing up emotions and trying my hardest not to suffocate. My mother gives me a tissue and says this is my fathers fault. "You get the sadness from him." Well maybe he's the reason I feel so lost, because apparently nobody knows where the **** he is.