she opens the drawer
select all the clothes
she thinks she'll need more
she takes that sweater her mom made
but she leaves the dress she used when we met
she does it while calm
for she thought about this
a lot
she never does anything impulsively
that's how I know she's been planning on leaving
for weeks
and I wonder why she allowed me
to touch her
when she knew
it would haunt us
I resent her for letting me think
we were happy and fulfilled
she never gave me any warning
she just took my whole world
and left
knowing I would never stop her

I know who I am
but I don't know why I feel the things that I feel
I don't wanna feel them
I want them to go away

I wanna feel okay
with myself
with people
with him
I wanna feel right
I need to feel like this is all going away
this feeling in my stomach
that something is wrong and is not getting better
that I'm not ever going to be free of this things I feel

these emotions
they drag me down and I know I shouldn't apologize but I feel so inappropriate
I know the world doesn't revolve around me
but I still feel
like everything is my fault
like I'm being a burden
even when I'm asleep

that’s how it feels, then
to love and be loved and lose it-
to experience the highest feeling,

to fall so hard you lose every breath, to be so hurt you feel certain you’ll die

i can’t do this
i can’t bear this
it’s too little and not that long ago it was so... so much more

so much more than hollow eyelids and numbing cello chords

in this moment i know, i believe i’ll never be fine again
in this moment i’m the rawest i’ve ever been
my screams and sobs are the ugliest sounds

i hope you never have to hear desperation leaving your mouth

but I do hope you get to experience the kind of love that has the power to wreck you

just remember to pray it doesn’t

my back hurts
it's the weight
of unreciprocated
love

my shoulder hurts
it's the weight
of society
on me

my head hurts
it's the weight
of unrequited
thoughts

my stomach rages
it's the void
I carry
the burden
I became
to myself

my legs feel heavy
it's the height
of my never ending
fall

and my mind
oh my mind
it kills it's host

and my heart
oh my poor heart
tries to save it all
without perceiving
it's own
weakness

but my eyes
they are open
my throat
it's closed
my hands
they create
so I'm pulsing
beating
living

I feel so small
with all this responsibilities
I never wanted to embrace

society bruises my mind
leaving an open cut
anxiety like blood
dropping on the floor

and prejudice is all over the place
it's hard to believe it's real
it hurts me deeply
damages my soul
and I'm still privileged

all my feelings
amplified on the room
contained on the school
overwhelming when alone

I write I sing I play I act I read
and I study cause they make me
and I learn because I'm forced to
not because I like or want to

but all this responsibilities
they restrain me
don't allow me to be
the person I could be
If i just had time
to be me

all this *******
keeps me caged
hostage of this system
that cuts my wings
and beats my brain

it makes me sad
impossibly sad
when I realize
even the best people
can be cruel
can hurt you
and mute you

I do love her
even when she screams
even when she breaks my heart
oh l still love her
after all that noise
after all that trouble
and I wish I didn't love her
for I'm broken
and my sorrows
lay there
in her bed
my sorrows are her

where wildness grows
between my rib cages
close to my heart and
all over my brain
where revolutions begins to take place
for me and for her and for all of you
i change my perceptions, become something new
and you can't deny you heard me, when I ripped my throat so I could heal
blossoming feelings deep inside my bones
i'm a warrior at heart with hope set on steel