i keep waking up with blood in my mouth and i never know how it got there. i say your name 3 times like i'm coming home and it's gone. i don't know how. i had this dream the other night where i saw all my memories with you in them except now it's raining in all of them. i don't know what that's supposed to mean but if it's gotta rain somewhere, it might as well be in me. i want all of the sunshine to be left for you. the last memory that i saw in the dream was of us sitting in your car outside of barnes & noble, when you told me about the spot they found in the scan. the honesty in your voice sold out any of the courage you tried to feign for me. i asked you if you were afraid. you said it was all in God's hands. i asked you if you were afraid. you said yes. we sat in the car, under that dark, peculiar rain and i cursed the hands of whoever is up there holding your life so carelessly. maybe i'm a hypocrite or maybe i'm hopeless but i went back to church the next day. i counted all the times they promised you eternal life wishing just one of them would be true. if he really washed you white with his blood i wanna know what that white blood was tending. i counted all the times i wasn't patient with you and wished you hadn't wasted so much precious breath on someone so ungrateful. i counted all the tears, all the goodnight hugs and i love you kisses that your chest has ever known and prayed that there is enough hope in them to fight off whatever it is inside you that's trying to **** you. i'm sorry for whatever i left inside of you 18 years ago that didn't sit well with your bones. i'm sorry for all the bad blood i've caused.