i am claustrophobic 
and i despise
the feeling of
being embraced 

but right now, 
it's 3 am
and
i long for 
your warmth 

i want to
drown 
my ears 
with the beating
of your steady heart, 
to feel your
arms wrapped 
around my waist 
and your legs 
tangled with mine 

i want to feel
your mouth 
against my head 
with your 
hot breath 
grazing
my messy hair 

and i want 
to feel you 
pressed against me 
like the world is 
about to end 
and that this moment
is all we have 
and that the stars
aligned with us somehow, 

and i just 
want to feel your love 

i want to feel 
that comforting
reassurance 
that you love me 
as much as i love you

my mother taught me that life is short and
that i should take my opportunities and
that God wants us to create adventure
maps of our life

and i bet she would be so disappointed
seeing me spending my every breath
hiding behind my unending daydreams of
you

but i'll tell her that i'm fine and that i find joy in wasting my life hung up on you because all the adventure and all the riches and all the oceans that this world could offer will never match up to the thought of you

i am nothing
special
i am a
collection of
shed tears and
fragile bones

and darling,
i have nothing
to offer you
because i
am hollow

but know
that even if
i am empty
i will give
you whatever
i have left
in me

because i
don't just
love you

i want to
touch your
very soul
hold every
crease with
fragile hands

i want to
memorize
the stars
the unending
constellations
that litter
your mind
by name

and i do
not mind
the unnerving
fact that
you darken
my thoughts
because the
truth is
you also
colour my
dreams

and the sun
does not
shine for me

it thinks
i am nothing
but just
another triviality,
a temporary
figure

but it
shines for
you and
only you

it wakes up
just to
see your
glorious face

because darling
you are
perfection and
anyone would
rather live
a second to
see your face
than to
live a millennia
without seeing
you

she would
crawl in bed
and tell me 
she loved me

but her eyes
were cold
and closed
like the
broken fluorescent
that gave off
blue sparks

she reminded
me of an
abandoned church

what used to be
a place
where so much
happiness and
depression
was tied together
by faith and
hope was
now a
simple reminder
of how even
the place of
seemingly
unfaltering hope
dies 

she was
a false dichotomy
of existence

always present
infinitely absent

and i could
see her
try her
hardest to
make me
feel like
she was
still alive
and trying 

but every 
word she said
was her own
eulogy

under the
white shade
of the moon
our pale limbs
are tangled
with white sheets
in an absense
of colour

yet you give
hue to my
pale night

i am a 
dizzying light
shade of 
asphyxiation
purple

my neck 
stained with
the dark
blue and
violet rings
you have
left

unending 
scratchmarks
of pink
littered all
over my back

and you
bite my lips
leaving a
****** red
stain on
my pale
mouth

i may be
dull and
lacking of
shade but
darling,
you have
coloured me

ＯＮＥ:
i miss the
way your
body sinks
into my
mattress
marking your
beauty finitely

ＴＷＯ:
and I also
miss how
your tired
kisses came
with soft
promises of
forever

ＴＨＲＥＥ:
i wonder
about who
stains your
cheeks now
with red
praise and
scarlet i love yous

ＴＨＲＥＥ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
she would
never love you
as much as
i do

ＦＯＵＲ:
and i miss
you so much
i fall asleep
to the monotone
of myself
counting the days
of how long it has
been since
your departure

ＦＩＶＥ:
and to pass
my time
i count the
times you
told me you
loved me
with absent
ghost eyes

ＳＩＸ:
i'm trying
to live with
the ribs you
broke and
the air
you left

ＳＩＸ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
but how can
i go on
with the bones
you left me?

ＳＥＶＥＮ:
i'll keep trying
but it's hard
when my
memories
of you litter
my head like
the dust in
my attic

ＥＩＧＨＴ:
and how can i
go on when
you emptied me
and left me
wondering why?

ＮＩＮＥ:
i have
watched you
leave over
and over
and my zenith
sadness is
quite enough
to make
a collapsing
supernova feel
shame

ＴＥＮ:
and sometimes
I blame
love itself for
handing me
right into
your hands

ＥＬＥＶＥＮ:
but when
it's darkest
please know
that my
moon still
chases after you

ＥＬＥＶＥＮ＆ａＨＡＬＦ:
and that
i don't
hate love
for giving
you

ＭＩＤＮＩＧＨＴ:
i hate love
for residing
in my heart
infinitely when
it knew you
weren't staying
forever

i memorized
the sight of her
dressed in grey
smelling of peroxide
and sea wind
waking up
and telling me
to crawl back into bed

she would tell me
about oceans
and her love for them

and i love
the sound of her saying
"it fills the depressions
of the earth
and i love you
and you are
my ocean."

there were nights
were she cried
and she never let me in
and she told me not to care

next morning
she'd be smiling
but the circles around her eyes
the lines on her wrist
the redness of her lips
told me that she wasn't okay

she never wanted to talk
about oceans
or her beautiful
smile lines
anymore

and i felt the void
in my chest
when she asked me
"do you still love me?"
with unheeding eyes
and an airy voice

and even when i knew
that the girl i admired
and loved
was drowning
in her own sadness

i told her
"always"
because i did
and i still do