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 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Q
I.

Your comment came to me attached to an ad for condoms,
I was so tickled that I saved a picture of the screen,
So obvious a sign and one I was so glad to receive.

II.

When you were angry with me once,
Your message said, "I love you. But-"
I love you. Period. But.
A confession and an admission,
A statement of fact and then a feeling,
And I felt so bad but you loved me. But-,
And that was all I ever asked.

III.

I'm still writing poems to you all the time,
Smearing ink off the dry erase board
With the heel of my hand,
So I'll wake up hungover
With black palms and overlapping words
Mapped all over this white board.

In theory all of my feelings for you
Get washed away this way,
Every bottle of wine anew,
But in truth I whisper them in my sleep
And know them still at sunrise
Like it's a surprise after all these years
That I still love you
Like I do.

IV.

(It helps, doesn't it?)

((God, so much.))
Wine Poems 1-3, which, I'm going to be honest with you, I have no memory of writing, collected. Edited only slightly, and only in terms of punctuation, to keep the authenticity of the original pieces.
Wine Poem 4 didn't make the final cut, but I did take the title from there, and it's still listed separately if you want to read it.

9/24/14
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Danna
Alcohol
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Danna
It makes me feel alive
The way you used to

It burns as it runs through my veins
But I liked it better when you were the one giving me warmth

It keeps me sane. It keeps me together
But I still wish it was your voice telling me it would all get better

It makes me forget, at least for a while
It is the only escape I've found

You ask why I get intoxicated every night
The only answer I can give, is to get your ghost away from me
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Silver Lining
Alcoholism took my father away from me.
I watched him destroy his life from the age of five.
When Austin left us- I watched his life shatter completely.
I started to plink away on the piano.
Then he started to pick up the pieces.
He got his life together, remarried, and is trying to repay a lost childhood.
So I continue to play.

Now, I'm watching both my sister's life come to crumbles at the lips of a bottle.
So I play louder.
One has gone to rehab for drugs and alcohol.
She is getting better- back on her feet.
The other has moved out and cut off communication with our Father.
So I keep playing.
I'll write a sonng or two for you-
and I'll wait for you to come home.

All I've ever known alcohol to do- is destroy.
And people wonder why the smell nauseates me..
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Pigeon
Alcohol
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Pigeon
I tried to drown the thoughts of him in the strongest drink, but they are unaffected
and have learned to swim.
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Erin
Cheat
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Erin
I reek of you.
You coat
every
inch of
dead
skin cell
my layers hold.

I brush my teeth
to take away
your breath from
mine.
I can't taste
your salty lips,
your cigarette tongue.
My mouth is
mint.

I step into the shower.
Thin,
sharp
knives
rain on my body,
stabbing.
slicing,
shredding
your touch.
You no longer
hold me in your arms.
You no longer
caress me.

I immerse my scalp in
the pricking pour
of needles.
Scalding,
hot
blood
burns my face.
Your hands are
gone
from my cheeks.
Your lips
have found
the company
of another.

I put
a razor
to my leg,
and
shave away
your legs
from
intertwining with
mine.
I sleep alone.

I douse my hair
with
acid shampoo
that burns
away
your strong hands,
your gentle touch.
You don't love me.

I pull
open
the shower curtain.
I am clean.
I'm starting anew.
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Jasmine
Maybe
 Dec 2014 cait-cait
Jasmine
Maybe
If I tore open my chest
And let my soul come bleeding out
To seep into the cuts
Ingraved deeply on your hands
I would soak in so deep
You would have no choice but to
Taste me
In every breath you took
See me
In the darkness behind your eyelids
Feel me
In every spine-tingling chill
That made you feel so much more alive
And maybe
Just maybe then
You could finally feel
What is like
To be connected to someone in such a way
That you think they live beneath your skin
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