i miss people who are still alive,
and i don’t know what that means.

one sits next to me in class,
another a row behind me,
and one living in another state.
they all feel equally far.

the door didn’t slam,
they just stopped knocking,
while i keep mine open,
just in case they remembered where i live.

i see their faces in pictures
and flinch like it’s a memory.
they look happy.
they look happier than when they were with me.

maybe i’m too easy to forget,
or too hard to keep.
i can’t determine
if i’m too much or too little.

they laugh with other people,
not cruelly—just without me.
and i tell myself that’s okay,
but i still search for my name in their smile.

i miss people who are still alive,
and it feels like i’m mourning
something everyone else insists is fine.
i suffer in a silence only i can hear.

i know what absence is,
it’s in the spaces
they used to fill
without even trying.

Do you understand me,
When I say im tired,
Or do you think,
I just need rest?

Do you think,
Its because I haven't slept?

Do you understand me,
When I say
It takes all my strength,
To just stand up,

Or do you think,
That you dont know,
Whats going on,
In someone else's mind.

Or do you just assume,
You know,
What others feel.

i smile,
and sometimes i almost mean it.
most times,
i don’t.
i wonder if they notice
how tightly it’s stitched on,
this grin
i wear like armor.

it drains me,
faking light
when all i carry
is the weight
of everything i can’t say.
my body rots quietly,
while my voice plays pretend.

every laugh is a wince,
every joke a plea.
“you’re the sunshine,”
they tell me.
but storms don’t shine,
and i’ve been thunder
for years.

As the days blur into one,
And the hours stretch, never done,
My mind runs wild, a restless mess
Thoughts scattered, heavy, meaningless.

I feel myself slipping into the dark,
Too far gone, too deep to restart.
Afraid of the ache I always hide,
Each wound a scar I’ve locked inside.

I glance outside…
The sky begins to cry.
And somehow,
I smile…
Like everything’s fine.

The rain falls soft, like whispered grace,
Washing the weight from this hollow place.
The storm rolls in, the sky turns gray,
But something in me fades away.

Not the pain, not all the fear
But the grip they held feels less severe.
The world is weeping, but not in shame
It’s cleansing me.
It knows my name.

So I sit and breathe through trembling hands,
And let the rain rewrite my plans.
And for the first time,
I feel it clear
All that held me
Is no longer here.

The dark still lingers,
But I don’t bend.
The storm still howls,
But it’s not the end.

And in the quiet,
I finally see
The weight is gone.
I’ve always been
Free.