I don't burst into tears
I fall into tears
silently
gracefully
like a practiced maneuver
like a missing piece falling back into place
I fall into tears
like they can somehow protect me

can you hear my words
when I say nothing at all?
can you see my pain
when I smile without my eyes?
can you smell my desperation
when I'm trying hard to be calm?
can you taste the salt from my tears
when I don't shed them in your presence?
can you feel the real me
when I don't even feel it?

I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore

for years you were bubby
and you called me *****
I didn't realize
that there would come a time
where you would stop calling me that
and would beg me to stop saying bubby
on the playground at school
you were always the older one, the protector
and I was the one you looked out for
I didn't realize there would come a time
where we would stop depending on one another
and become each other's enemies
we'd been through hell together
got taken away from our mother together
all we had was each other
so eventually there came a time
when we realized that we were allowed to be friends again
and became everything we needed for each other
just in time
for you to leave me for your next chapter

Everyone said:
"Time heals all wounds"
Why then non of my wounds
ever healed?
The truth is-
time cannot stitch
the wounds
that are cut so deep.
It only covers them
with a layer of dust
till the next storm arrives
and carries away the dust
leaving the wounds exposed
to bleed again.

you are the reason I flinch at sudden movements
the reason for the chills that shiver up my back
when someone comes behind me
the reason I'm constantly on edge
always on the verge of tears
the reason my self-worth is lower then dirt
why I believe I can never amount to anything
the reason I have trust issues yet
I give my heart up so easily
desperate for love I've never known
you are the reason the sound of an angry voice
can give me a panic attack in a matter of seconds
you are the reason I learned to read moods with excellence
and footsteps with even more accuracy
you are the reason I cannot love myself
and don't know how to love others
you are the reason I had to teach myself to be normal
because breaking down every day wasn't normal
not being happy wasn't normal
you are the reason I love school so much
because anything is better then being at home
you are the reason I am scared to death of having children one day
the reason I hate being left in charge of kids
you are the reason people get mad at me
for saying sorry far too much
after I had to teach myself TO say sorry
because you never said it to me
you are the reason I went to school with a black eye
the reason I cried when you slapped me
kicked me
pulled my hair
shoved me
hit me over the head with a paddle
YOU
ARE
THE
REASON.

you twist words that come from my mouth
you bend them into a sick shape
to match your will
you distort them until they fit
your version of events
You make things up
to make me seem like the bad guy
in your eyes there is only one truth
and it's the one you create from the words
you twist from my mouth

I am peaches, the color purple and weeping willows
summer, pool parties and fireworks
I am roses, dark chocolate and cranberries
true crime documentaries and spicy books
I am mountains and rushing creeks
long runs and misbehaving hair
I am the scent of strawberries and watermelon jolly ranchers
huge libraries and rain
I am dandelions and volleyball
homemade jellies, pasta and long hot showers
I am photography, pencil lead and llamas
scrapbooking, gardening and shiny things
I am beaded bracelets, ripped jeans and hoodies
mascara and braids, bruises and scratches
I am all that I am