i’ve become
the shape of water.
i mold to rooms
i don’t belong in,
fill cracks
in other people
just to keep from spilling.

no one sees
how close i am
to evaporation.
how heavy i feel
in a glass too full
of silence.

they think
i’m calm
because i don’t make noise,
but grief has no splash
when it sinks like this.

i’ve learned to drown
quietly.

What if I want to fall in love?
What if I wanna feel like lovers do?
What if I want movie nights in the dark?
A hand softly stroking my hair?

What if I want a love story?
What if I want someone to call me randomly?
What if I know exactly who I want it to be?
But what if he doesn’t really like me?

I texted him the other day
Complaining about dad again
While he told me about the latest season of the flash
He stopped when I told him what my dad said
When he told me my makeup was
‘Asking for it’
But maybe it was
I got catcalled that day
It was weird
I never thought I was pretty enough for that
But then he stopped
He got angry
Asked me
‘Who would dare?’
And my heart warmed
I told him my thoughts
‘I never thought it would happen to me. ME’
And he got even angrier
He told me
‘You’re beautiful, why would you be confused’
We went back to safe conversation
He talked about the flash
While I romanticized the characters
It was SAFE
We’re too young for this
But maybe
His will be the hand stroking my hair
When we’re older
Yeah
Then

.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.

You burned what was there,
Tore the pages we wrote,
and smiled as you watched the smoke go up.
You watched me crumble.
You laughed.

"Was it all fake to you?"
                                                      "Yeah­"

That one word grew thorns,
right around my heart.
Keeping it locked,
forever away from love.

The years turned to a blur.
Feelings changed to a memory.

Burn me.
Scar me.
Tear me apart.
It won't hurt me.

                                     You made me numb after all.

I don't care anymore,
for there is only three words,
I have for you.

                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.

I used to be fine.
But, you broke me.
I was tough.
But, you made me weak.

These metaphorical scar’s haunt me,
Leaving its bitter trails in my heart.
At every corner of my mind,
it waits for the perfect moment.
The moment to stab me.

I try,
but, they won’t see it,
they won’t care.

I’m drowning in pain,
while all they see is a smile.
They watch me burn.
They let me suffer.

When light shines on me,
I must smile and laugh.
But as nighttime comes,
I am free to sob into my pillow.

At night, I am free to be sad,
to feel all the different things I hide.
If they notice,
I cannot tell.

If they see through me,
then they just don’t seem to care.
I just wish to have support.
They took my life away from me,
and burned it to ashes.

I wish to be free,
to be happy.
But, they stabbed my heart,
there were only shreds left.

I am forced to call you family,
Even against my will.
I will forever hate you,
even if you are my parents.