Dried brown grasses creep around - empty breezes blow
Rest now, for your time has come - as life will persist
A silence has fallen now - the slate has reset
All must die to be reborn - as is nature’s course

I

                  Am
          
                                          Mean

That's what I tell myself when something goes wrong.

It's the gum under my shoe that sticks to my brain, clogging my throat so I can't choke it o u t .

I am mean,
but what does mean actually m e a n ?

I guess I was never really taught, so now it's defined by my flaws.
And now my flaws define me.

I am my mental health.

I am my trauma.

I.                                     Am.                                Mean.


My actions morph into my mind,
These thoughts that are no longer mine.

I am the problem.

                                                            I.


                                                          Am.
    


                                                         Mean.

My blue glasses sank
As I chased the brine blur, but
It just kept swimming

Laughter fills
childhood bliss,
with or
without us
knowing.
Life is
infinite.
Breathtakingly
infinite,
is life,
knowing
us. Without
or with
childhood, bliss
fills laughter.

Let me sink into the earth’s warm touch
Below the wailing willows roots
And be reborn into one
Single daisy blowing
In the autumn air
For life repeats
And nothing
Is the
End

I can feel the eyes, sense them watching
I cover my ears but still hear
So I watch myself closer
Hide away completely
Close my mind, emptied
Sit alone and
Wait till I
Can just
Break

Music brings this chilling feeling.
I talk alone to my white ceiling.
Their invasion feels like silent stealing.
I crack and break as my walls keep peeling.
Is this sensation truly healing?

scars mark my wrists like visible stains

the stubborn remains of my pain ridden days

young me, oh so free, my innocent reign

forgotten, so rotten, while my inside decays

Silent battles within my head,
dread.

An endless pressure in my heart.
Depart,

From me, you soulless beast.
Feast,

on what you do not own.
Alone,

I feel my chest heave;
breathe,

but I can never shout,
worn-out.

The warmth of summer's first kiss?
Bliss,

is the absence of winter’s cold fist.
Resist,

undermining your power,
flower.

Rejoice in spring's free breeze.
Freeze,

and enjoy this moment’s endeavor,
forever.

I judge judgers as if I'm different
Didn't realize the pattern I'm creating
Judging people for judging people
I am as bad at those I'm judging

paper spoons
and rubber seats
to **** oneself
would be a feat
                   five pants
                   five shirts
                   a need for pain
                   no dull edge hurts
                                       one cut to two
                                       can't reach my veins
                                       my hands are cuffed
                                       with rubber chains
                                                         should have died
                                                         alone instead
                                                         this hell is worse
                                                         than my noisy head

i can't hold on to   f  l  e  e  t  i  n  g   thoughts
                                                              
what did they give me

                               what am i on?

            can't feel a thing but my scratched raw wrists
                                                          ­                   ...and bloodied palms

    my life is gone,

                                what am i on?
  **** me please
      
                                             i can't hold on

please i need an out

                                         i need out please
    
                    i need out
  

                                                               ­        i need

                                                   o

                                                   u

                                                   t


i
   m

                                   S
                                      U
                       ­             f
                                   F
                                          o
                   ­               c
                                         A
                                     t
                                   I
                                       N
                                    g

****** nails, scraped raw
silent screams, hearts thaw
constant morning, endless night
icy covers, fading light
walls confining, ceiling caves
desperate pleas, useless saves
silent drowning, screaming voice
blistered palms, lacking choice

I'm trying not to let
my oblivous parents know
how horrid I've been doing
as to not ruin the image
they've always seen me through
as to not break the trust
they have put into my sanity
while simultaneously trying
to get the help needed
to not leave said parents, ruined
as I lay seven feet below fresh soil

and yet they have the audacity
to pick and ****
at my failing grades
and "attitudes"
saying I'm
not doing
enough


seriously?

We were fairies
Flying far away
Pixy dust covered us
As glitter would rain
The days we spent pretending
All our problems away
Secrete sleepovers where we giggled and hid
Back when I was truly just an innocent kid
Oh I don't want to forget
When I hung our drawing
Littering my walls
Oh, I remember those days like I live in them now
I wish to go back, I just don’t know how.

How many times can I scream before I drown
Has life always been a spiral headed down?

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I'm alone

Over the years my walls have all changed
My door closed permanently
In hopes to shut out my pain
When did life shift, how can I go back?
Now I’m sinking, I’m fading away
Why should I keep trying if it all ends the same,
Is it I who is truly the one to be blamed.
I don’t want to be here,
Why can’t I just disappear?
I wish to go back, but I don’t know how.

How many times can I scream before I drown
Why won’t my life stop spiraling down

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I’m alone

Why hold on,
Why not let go?
How many times more will I breathe till I die
If it’s gonna end, why do I still try
And what if I give it all up tonight
Just lay there, content, as my tears start to dry
Surrounded by the walls of my childhood mind
Where we used to dress up as undercover spies
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll give it a try

Should I give up if there’s no end in sight
Or just keep on going, trying in spite
I’m alone

one shower a night
two naps per week
three skipped meals a month
four plans canceled  
five days of hell
six hours till they sleep
seven sleepless nights
endless days of suffering

constant pretending
no letting my guard down
waiting for the blanket of night
to suffocate me and my grief

these are my deadlines
till im the one dead

A word, or a phrase
A song, or a tune
It’s an expression of the heart
Always ending too soon
Filling my head, as my world falls apart
While my hands move across the keys
And my pic strums against the strings
My bow playing from my soul
Giving me beautifully torn wings
My musical escape
From the world in which we roam
So I lose myself in music
As it slowly takes me home

I read a book
filled to the brim
with love between lovers
about how she saw him

he held her hand
and rubbed her back
then kissed her forehead
so gently
so sweetly

and i realized
no one will do that with me
willingly

i have too much acne

don't hold yourself that way
to keep this pain at bay
for as they always say
"its okay to not be okay"
just remember to hide it away
and make pretend, you'll play
then paint away the gray
hide in a hidden ashtray
just to make it through today
so remember, its okay to not be okay
that's what they always say
so long as it's not actually that way

the meds cant work if i dont take them













and yet i dont really care

you've returned
to my shore
like the tide
wanting more

my mind
fast asleep
sees your face
as we weep

my chest
dully hollow
in your absence
I now wallow

I've returned
to your shore
like the tide
wanting more

your grasp
holds on tight
chained wings
can't take flight

hand in hand
****** mess
but numb hearts
don't break less

we've returned
to this shore
like the tide
needing more

clinking and clacking
bickering and talking
i can hear them from the other room
laughter and voices
conversing and observing
i can hear them from the other room
suffocating and drowning
exhausted and done
they cant hear me from the other room
silent and void
still and unmoving
they cant hear me from the other room

I think I'd give
the moon and the stars
to not have to watch you
from so very far


i see you talk to others
and its like
it physically
hurts
and I know
I know that's ridiculous


it's not the burning hot jealously
the one thats makes you
so mad you want to
scream
its more of an envy
because I'm not mad
I'm just really really miserable


so when I see others just
casually talking to you
making you laugh
i feel a weird longing
that just pulls me down


there's this strange thought
that just keeps on
popping into my head
saying that I could love you
better than anyone else can
because I know what its like
to lose my soul to you
and maybe im just self-absorbed
but i could almost swear that no one
will ever see what i see in you

enclosed, secluded
the world disappears
my mind drifts away
sounds muffled, covered
headphones on

eyes down


safe

i think i might just stop caring












it doesn't help anyways

silenced, unheard
bite your tongue till you feel it bleed
you mustn't be heard, only seen
never truly believed
nor will your screams be freed
for that's what it means
to be one of a society

i generally didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain












i guess you truly were my first of everything

remember when you loved me?











i do











i'm scared it was all in my imagination












how do i know i ever knew you if all i have are pictures














it feels like a fever dream



















i wish i never woke up

I dreamt of you again last night
haven't done that in a few months
but **** does it hurt










I wonder if you ever dream of me

hey guess what
i won











i really did love you more

i'd **** to talk to you again
but the thought of hearing your voice
it makes me feel dead inside
not that i'd even have the choice









but oh how i wish..

so did i ever mean anything to you?












cuz it sure doesn't feel like it

i don't think ill ever love someone
as much as i loved you











and i don't know if i want to