Four, nearly five years ago, he was 4 years and 11 months my senior. We would stay up most of the night. Together. Then I would wake up and he would be gone. And after a few months it became a normal thing to wake up alone. Undisturbed and a little cold. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until one day he was gone for 8 months. No goodbye. No farewell. Just a break up text and disappointment. I would wake up and he would be gone. But this time he would be thousands of miles away. And all I could think about was water. And where the heck he could possibly be. But not wanting to write, because I didn't want to bother him. But I drank and caved in. I was tired of drowning. It was hot there. Over 100 degrees. He sent pictures and wrote back quickly. He came back. He showed me things he bought from other countries. I smiled again. He showed me more pictures. He got a dog. Fast forward another year. I would wake up and he would be gone. It was a normal thing by now. We had a routine. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Play with the dog. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Drown. Tell him how I felt. Radio silence. 10ft down. Explain how long I felt that way. No explanation from him. 20ft. No apology. 30ft. Direct questioning on how he felt. Dodged and avoided. 40ft. Go to bed. Wake up. And he's gone again. 50ft. 60ft. And it's cold. I can't feel my toes anymore. And it's getting dark. Play with the dog. 70ft. Make the bed and put away dishes. 80ft. Gather my things. Go home. 90ft. Silence. 100ft. And I'm done. I can no longer breathe. And I can no longer swim. I am sinking. And the pressure of the water is crushing my lungs. For two years I choked on sea water. I lived and I died. I waited. But I didn't cry. At 100ft under the waves tears are pretty pointless. After two years of wanting this thing, this person, I no longer want it. Because it doesn't want me. But I'm still afraid when I wake up. And the bed is empty. And I still panic when someone walks out the door. Because I never know which time will be the last. Or which ocean they're about to cross. And my childlike awe and innocence were thrown overboard and forgotten. It created an obsession for that lifestyle. So I became it. I woke up early. I pushed myself farther than I thought possible. And after years of watching him put his on, I earned my own uniform. And I went back to him. But I felt nothing. I surfaced. I can swim again. I have no feelings. I don't even have ill will anymore. He's only a friend. And there will come a day, quite soon, actually, when he will go home. Halfway across the country. And he won't be back. And I won't see him again. Ever. And that's ok. Because people leave. And sometimes they don't come back. And you're cold and a little disturbed. But you make the bed. Gather your things. And leave. Now the one who has panic attacks, the light sleeper, the one who holds a pillow at night to take the place of a body, and the one who begs you not to go, becomes the one who can't be tied down. She leaves. She drifts. Floating on the waves alone in peace and absolute terror. But not love. Not hate. Because she lost all feeling about 100ft down.

The best part is, 5 years later you're begging for me to enter your life again. Once or twice a week, you're inviting me out with you and your friends. You're asking me what I've been up to, where have I been and why haven't I seen you lately. But I'm here. I have always been here. You were the one who left. Every morning. Your time has passed. I was young and dumb. Which is why you probably never cared much. Understandable. I grew up. And now you see my worth. But so do I. And I will never allow myself to be disrespected like that again. Lesson learned. Now it's your turn to wake up alone. Make your bed. Put away your dishes. Gather your things and go home.

I kissed the morning
and she kissed me back

together we conquered the dark
opened each others heart

and sang as one
a poem we both wrote while half the world

still slumbered in dreaming scape's
watched over by the waning Moon

while I and the dawn danced
a Summers dance hand in hand.

Which mask do i choose today
The one that smiles and hides the pain
The one that shows that i'm in vain
The one with the laughing eyes
The one that never ever cries
Which mask do i choose today
The one with a smiling face
The one that always takes my place
The one that never shows a frown
The one that usually wears the crown
Which mask do i choose today
The one that hides my fears
The one that clears my tears
I'm tired of lying
These tears I've been crying
Are proof of the sadness
The madness
And the pain
Yet i choose a mask everyday
No mask is the same

O Africa delight in blissful glory
You alone mutate many colors
Your kindred bears in their skin
Only you possess this divine qualities

O Africa your voice will be lost without Nigeria
For her giant strides is comparable to none
Her waxing human resources
Is a straw to light up abundant natural resources

O Africa if Nigeria divide
Your voice become unheard
For it will be a festival of no guest
And the biscuit bone of aid will be no more

O Biafra agitators nature wants freedom
But the world makes us a voiceless being
Do you think you will be heard in the comity of nations ?
O Sudan tears of regrets ran-deep

For they are victim of circumstances
O Nigeria wield your marginal division
And beat your drums across vast water and land
Rising your voice to defend Africa qualities

O Africa your fate I fear as I envision
And heard from minstrel lute of God
So I pass my little words across
Nigeria a land that embraces all

Written by
Martin Ijir