since you left
i've worn my trauma like it's a trophy
you can see my anxiety in my freckles
the ptsd in the way i dance
and the bipolar in everything i do

it's coming home to a handfull of pills
instead of you
it's what tears me down becoming a punchline
to a stupid joke on schoolyards
and don't get me started on what i've done
to self medicate

i'm not asking you to come back
in fact, i don't want you to
because the pain is a part of me,
at times it's all of me,
but because of you,

i am a survivor.

in the beginning, they will fall in love with your catastrophes. but when they realize you're nothing more than the shallow water they've been drowning themselves in, they will leave you with nothing more than a "i miss you already, please don't go" on the edge of your throat and scratches from your fingernails on your palms. not everyone can stay in love with a girl named after a hurricane, but when you said you loved the way i crashed into you, i thought you meant it.

I’ve been seeping constellations for you-
For you to see the colors within me
But i can see the milky way on my bathroom sink
And I’m bleeding all over the broken bottles you left last saturday
And on the empty pill bottles I was prescribed to forget you

When you kissed me last you told me I tasted like a stranger
Even though I’ve showed you every galaxy I hide inside me
All my stars and the spaces in between them
You used to tell me you could see the sky in my eyes
But last time I heard you haven’t checked the weather in months

The stars are sleeping in my veins now,
I started saving them from my bedroom floor
But i can still feel you on my fingertips
I still think of you every time I look at the sky

I’ve been kissing strangers to forget the taste of your lips
But i feel you in the back of my throat every time I smile
I feel you in my voice when someone asks me about my plans for the future
Because my entire life I was told one day I will find my better half
And you always told me you were mine
But who are you to tell me I need someone else to feel whole?

my first love was a planet I would have killed to spend the rest of my life living on. but planets have storms and I quickly became the first victim of its natural disasters. when he left, he left without warning. he left the windows open and I had to listen to the rain alone for the first time in months. for three years, I hid in a pile of the flowers he got me that Valentine's Day. they died a long time ago, but so did I. my heart stopped beating when he cracked me open so he could take everything I had left.

when I was 14 I was force fed contraception and never got a taste of an apology
when I was 14 the phrase "I'm not ready" wasn't a clear enough interpretation of "no"
so instead of presenting my case in front of a judge, I presented my virginity in front of a 17 year old boy.
when I was 14 I didn't know I was being ***** until a week and a half later when it happened again.
and even through my broken sobs and nightmares, my own father didn't believe me for over a year.
when I was 15, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder because the distinction between love and tear stained pillow cases was nearly non existent.
when I was 15, I made the decision to drown the flashbacks in a sea of painkillers, and in what followed I met thirteen other beautiful girls who shared the same story I did.
when I was 16 I realized something had to be done.

for two years I hid a badge labeled '**** victim' under long sleeves and red eyes because I was too ashamed of what I let happened to myself to get help.
I was told I made a false accusation, when in reality the only fallacy is in our justice system.

**** is not always a white t shirt with specks of blood in the back of an alley or a drunk uncle with a wandering eye. **** is not always screaming at the top of your lungs and fighting for your life with a knife to the neck. it is not always textbook, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be taken seriously.