you loved beer with an alcohol content more than your body could contain. he's lovely and you nudge him in the most delicate of ways because he's beautiful. you whisper the words you wanted to hear and he whispers back. you crawl up in your sheets and submerge yourself into your supernatural thoughts another brain deserves to hear. you walk in the most dangerous labyrinth of the island under the orange street lights thrusting up from the earth and still hear the humming birds eating biscuits dipped in yellow honey — it was gentle waves and light brown eyes tingeing its soft edges hands touching in the cold weather kind of safe. you end the night together with too much alcohol and red cheeks with a numb swollen feet but it's still what you wanted.

you went everywhere and you love it. he's a fictional varmint, too beautiful to be real, but he is. like how the shadows shifts from his small eyes down to your shoulder blades. everything about him and you were like carved on tablets and trees with names written on love letters. you love him because he's real, his rawness engulfs your soul and you know it, he's made for you and you were made for him because you've seen him without using your eyes, how your limbs would fill in the gaps and how the sound waves of your laughs will echo in the chambers of your organs.

you love wine and pour them every single morning and it tasted better than water but he's still the same and everything gets better and better like how your night lamp dimmed in reverse and in the worst of the worsts — a series of perpetual warfare and a great pertinacity of agony kind of worst — you still cling to the moment the Founder of the universe and all the elements of fate, time and space brought you to that day you met. in each accession of the most unfortunate circumstance, there is something that you wanted which makes you want to feel another mili second of tomorrow and another and another.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

you don't deserve a word
not even a poem
how does it feel
when you lost the people
you confessed you "love"

how did it feel
when your own medicine
ran through your throat?
how does it feel
to steal so much time
from someone who treasured it?
holding it close to her chest
against her rib cage

how does it feel
to steal something you don't own
from a family you "care" for

and how does it feel?
to see someone who loves me
better than you do
because you thought
no one could ever love me like you

this wavelength of reality
this human world
full of catastrophes
one over the other
again and again
and again

can we just be
in a dimension where
we don't have to worry
and guess
if you will still
be here with me
tomorrow?
or the love that we shared
will stay the same?

the smell of our world
or the way you love your coffee
the gravity of our steps
your boisterous laugh
and your short temper

i love how stupid your jokes are
but still, it makes me laugh
isn't this our goal?
to laugh until our dentures fall off
and to let our grandchildren know
that they wouldn't be here
if you didn't ask me out
and i didn't say yes

it’s really never the same love twice. you’ll always look for what’s lacking, the missing brick on that wall, the strands and what makes up each element. it goes that way, but when will enough be enough and what is enough? it’s staring in the strangest of ways and knowing what kind of monsters were inside or for how long you left the water running and how you secretly hoped he passed you notes and letters because you’re beautiful. it’s peculiar, it’s different, it’s how deep the cut was and how you try to stuff the misadventures inside your skin and wait for it to heal – and you actually think you’re healed. not knowing that an emotional void was left to stay forever but he said that the love of two people would fill everything in and i will eventually find out why my mom’s soul and his dwelled on each other even after death, even after death.

i know how you buried
your soul in our sand
how you wrapped your arms
around everyone i love
how you desperately held them
and how desperately
i asked you to leave

i wonder how long you'd stare
if you see my eyes
that don't look at you the same
the happiness piercing from behind
but you weren't here long enough
to be the reason why

i'm sorry to leave you
when i confessed that i wouldn't
i'm sorry to steal a future
that could have been with you
i'm sorry for the damage i caused
and the promises that were left
in thin air

i still remember every stain
on the heirloom fabric
but every now and then
i ask myself if everything
really happened

i miss everything
but i don't want you back
*****

it's been five months
since you left
where could you possibly be
what realm are you venturing
or are you sleeping tightly

i couldn't bear this world
where adversaries just ****** up
from the mounds of the earth
and spawn from one another
but still you said,
this world always deserves
another shot

i could've asked you more
talked to you more
wrote with you more
and drink with you more

i wanted to tell you
about my cold beer
and the people i've met
i wanted to tell you
about him
and *how i wish you've met