I had nicotine flowing through my veins instead of blood last night
Indonesian cigarettes and grape vape juice does that you
Living becomes a case study on the fine line
Of your body and mind being both asleep and awake

I saw your face four times last night
Once under the dim lights of the outside of the bar
We smoked and you complained about how men make you feel
Once in the darkness of the bar, only being lit little by little by disco ball reflections
We drank and smoked Ares cigarettes and you told me to hurt your feelings
Once in the convenience store lights
We never really went in but the lights were bright enough to see the sadness in your eyes
After I did hurt you; and

Once in my car where you cried and I pleaded
Where I cried and you looked away
Where I told you I cared
Where I told you I loved you
But you wouldn't believe anything I told you
Where I saw the fires in your eyes reduce to embers and then into ashes

I brought you home and I went home
With the cold McDonald's that I bought to try to make us feel better
And I stopped for a moment on the side of the street
To try to fill my already aching stomach
Everything tasted burnt

I thought you didn't like smokers
You stopped me everytime I started
I always understood why you did though
You hated the lingering scent of burnt cancer
You despised the fact I smelled like your father
When I went up close to kiss your cheeks
You didn't want me to leave you
Because you wanted to grow old with me

I stopped when you told me to
I threw packs in the garbage
I stayed away from my habit
All because I loved you
And because I didn't wanna hurt you
I couldn't bear the thought of you crying
At my bedside
As my lungs gave out
And I chose to stop turning my lungs black
So I could live longer
So I could marry you
So I could grow old with you

When he came along
I couldn't possibly think he would replace me
Even though you looked at him the way you did me
Even though I felt like a third wheel
Even though you talked about him to me
With hearts in your eyes
Mainly because he smoked
But he did replace me

What was the point of everything you told me?

When I first saw you,
You took my breath away
You showered me with affection
And kind words
Things I was never used to

You held me
You kissed me
You made me feel fearless
Like the whole world was my oyster
You made me feel loved

You told me you loved me
Over and over
A kiss for each time you did
And you held my hand all the way through

Now when I see you,
The anxiety you give me takes my breath away
You shower me with death glares
And venomous words
Things that I was never used to with you

You stare in anger
You stare in hatred
You make me feel worthless
Like the whole world is closing in
You make me feel betrayed

You give me excuses
Over and over
A hiss each time you do
And you scream all the way through

It has been dark
It has been very dark
And I thought
That maybe
It was the end
For me

How was I going to go on?
I wondered
You were the brightest light
That my eyes had ever seen
And I followed you
Until you blinded me

I walked on and on
Not knowing the path
That I was going down
So I looked up
Even if the rays
Of your intensity
Still burned my irides

The stars were out

Was I ever enough?

It's just that I never felt
Like I was enough,
But you always told me I was
There was so much
That I gave
And I gave despite
My empty pockets
Or my depression
Or my lack of time
I gave all I could get my hands on
And you told me it was more than enough
And that I never had to do more

I couldn't ever give you the world,
But I tried so much to do it
I was giving you bits and pieces
So one day you would have been able to take them
And put them together to see it
I only did that because
It was all I could afford
And I would have given it in its entirety
If only I had the chance

I tried
I tried
I really tried
Believe me

I wanted to give you the universe
From the grains of sand
Which you hate so much
To the stars in the sky
That I have never seen
But you couldn't wait, darling

And when you got sick of me,
You told me I was never enough
You told me I never did enough
You made me feel
Like the world I was trying to give
Was just a moon
Compared to the vastness
Of the universe that was you

Darling, I have another question:
Did you ever love me the way I loved you?

here i am again
grasping at strings
longing for
nicotine
and
alcohol

asking myself
questions i can't answer
i don't know if i want answers
maybe i just want to ask questions

i'm longing for you
**** the nicotine and alcohol
i don't want an addiction
i just want to be calm
and look into your eyes
and sincerely tell you
that i love you

Why now?
Why now?
Why now?

I needed you the most right now
I needed your love
I needed your warmth
I needed to hear your voice
(but not in the way I did last night)

I wanted you to hold me
And tell me that everything
Would be fine
So that I could stop crying myself to sleep

I've cried myself to sleep
For the past four days
And I didn't want to tell you
Because I didn't want to bring you down

Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me I wasn't enough?

I want to be enough for you
You always told me I was more than enough
You always did
Apparently I'm not