Im haunted inside
I wish she could come back to life
explore all over my mind
i wish she could come back to life
come back to my life
dance a waltz around my heart
and stomp all over my life
take who i am inside
turn back to who i should be
defrost me defrost me
im shaving every day
running
i think ive grown from this sidewalk
but i need sun again
or i feel like im withering withering
honestly
i dont want to move on. i want to
hold the back of your neck when i kiss you and
finish x files with you and
miss you again
if we are not healed by valentines i will
i will buy you what you wanted

The world was a tapestry hung on simple pillars once.
They taught us how to see our place in it, what to do, how to act
Who we were supposed to be.

But we never saw behind the curtain
Where things never considered were boiling
And caught us one by one to change what was promised.

Who was prepared not to be loved, or for failure
Or to survive the death of traditions and the
Acceptance of something once taboo to be the norm?

The tapestry has changed and all the nostalgia in
My heart can’t restore what it was.  
I can’t embrace it, but I have a tool to cope.

“Go with the flow, Jimmy,”
My mother said,
“Go with the flow”.

I crawl out of the paint to devour your sour stench. That steaming green and yellow slime that falls out of your teeth isn't even your fault you know. The meds run in the family. They've been filling you up since you learned to walk. Aren't you lucky you've got your health? Have mercy on me father I have run from the slime but it's inside me anyways and it pours heavily from my throat in choking waves. I can hear the opera again, isn't it nice? I told you to lock me up - haven't you seen me? I heard you liked diseases so I'll let you come see the wires. Get closer. Help me **** the prisoner. He's got the smell too - I can hear the opera again, isn't it nice? Isn't it all just nice?

There is a boy in my theory class that looks like you
His nose is gently sloping and straight like an arrow
Just like you, his hair is deep brown and smooth, straight
And his lips are bowed and soft pink, covering teeth a little too big for his mouth
But perfect for his face

There is a song that reminds me of you
It's by Tame Impala and makes me think back to the summer
When you drove around with me in the passenger seat
You hand covering my bare thigh, sticky with sweat but immovable because I am yours
And I loved that

There is a kind of day that reminds me of you
Sunny and breezy with the taste of freedom lingering in the currents
It slips between my lips and makes my voice laugh and my eyes water
Because the sky was never so blue than on days like that, days that slid through my hands
Slid through my fingers

There is a certain type of feeling that comes with my memories of you
It hurts and it burns the back of my throat
And it sometimes makes my skin crawl with regret and grief
But it also feels sore and delicate because my heart is so tired and heavy with these memories
With these reminders

There is a boy in my theory class that makes me think of you
Sometimes I stare at him for too long and watch how he laughs at a joke
And sometimes I feel my face lose its shape and seep right through the palms of my hands
Because even though he obviously isn't you, he looks exactly like you and makes me remember all of the times I kissed you while muttering love
   All the times I hugged you tighter than you deserved
         All the times I laughed too hard at something you said
               All the times I thought you were my one
And there's this word that reminds me of you sometimes
    *pain

her shivers
have nothing to do
with the weather.

i hold her as we sit in the back of an SUV
headed northbound for Gainesville.
she sleeps restlessly, waking
intermittently. breaths short
and forced. her mother sings
pop hits that pour from the radio,
a melody that rings somewhat discordant.

i run my hand
through her hair. still damp.
i wonder,
for not the first time,
if this gesture means
as much to her
as it does to me.

from the driver's seat, a mother sings,
"stand by me when you're not strong,"
but her daughter is asleep and can't
hear the song. i lean over, lips
a hairsbreadth from her ear,
whisper, "i love you,
Lexi." she smiles subtly.

maybe i was wrong all along.

Like inky jet,
ejected on white paper,
the cuttlefish
of a poet―

was warding off the
unseen enemy.
The dry flattened
chest, would remind you
of a chalky desert.
Only cacti grow there.

You go into a trance,
then convulsive seizures, with
a loud scream. You
invoke the toddler god
who would **** king cobra
fifteen feet long.

am i pretty enough for you
when i stain my wrists crimson
as i cry myself to sleep
my demons greeting me with
skeletal arms that are always open for me

am i pretty enough for you
when i rub myself raw
in the hot spray of my shower head
as i cleanse the grime that coats my blemished skin

am i beautiful enough
will you finally write sonnets about me
wtite epic tragedies
plays in my honor

darling i am a walking apology
im sorry i cant be beautiful enough
but maybe if i cut off the parts of me i don't like
the fat that hangs off my belly
the jiggle in my thighs
the too flat nose

you'll finally love me back

it was beautiful.
The way you made me feel.
Flowers bloomed amongst me,
Happiness flourished as did we.
The sunshine and the breezes that enveloped me came to mean so much more.
I was home in your presence.
I was where I'd always hoped I'd be.

But the Crack of thunder startled me and in that moment, I awoke.
Your eyes were filled with fear as lightning filled them and you became overwhelmed with the decision of whether to fight or flee.
I paused.
I stared at you, searching your eyes for comfort.
Tears rumbled. Rain enveloped us, even though we were sitting beneath shelter.
It pierced my face as my thoughts grew louder.
-what was he going to do?  should I persuade him to stay or let him make up his own mind?-
I was naïve.
I allowed you to make your own decision.
Lightning struck.
I was blinded and before I could recover from the flash, you were gone.
I waded in the pools of water that flooded me.
I found not a single life jacket.
I'd been left there to drown and drown I did.
But somehow, somewhere inbetween the suffocating and wheezing,
A boat arrived and took me back to shore.
I swallowed air like a newborn baby.
An island was what I'd landed upon, one on which I'd be stranded for months.
In those months I'd found a peace within myself.
I told myself I didn't need a savior.
I didn't even need you.
9 months passed and flowers were blooming once more.
I guess that's when you'd decided it'd be the perfect time to "rescue" me.
You arrived onto my island of peace and you stirred it up.
You told me you'd bring me home.
I wanted you so bad, but I wanted to go home even more.
You were home, though.
"Stay with me," I cried, "Please."
"I will. I won't leave. You're all I want."
I took to heart everything you'd said.
Weeks went by as the fleshes of our skin grew to know each other well.
Your kisses melted me and I knew that you were all I'd ever wanted.
I found myself within you and I couldn't bear to part from it.
I needed you.
You knew that.
You cried yourself to sleep over it countless times.
The whimperings were more prevalent than your actual cries.
You didn't want me to hear you, you didn't want to lose me. But you were confused.
I woke up one morning, turned over, and stuck my hand out, ready for you to grasp it like you loved to do.
All I felt was the emptiness in my heart because when I opened my eyes, you were gone.  
     Again.
        Again.
My trust met its demise.
   My eyes met tears yet again as the skies darkened and thunder roared.
I ran to the shore, hoping to catch you fleeing, but you were already so far gone that I couldn't see anything left of you.
The waves were pounding onto the beach, so I ran for shelter.
The home you'd built with me to suit us was demolished by the heavy winds, so I was homeless once more.
9 months passed again quite quickly and so did my love for you.
I felt free.
I ran around my island basked in such a great amount of joy. I was unstoppable.
"Hi," I heard someone yell.
I turned mid-twirl and my eyes laid upon a boy with stunning blue eyes and a tall, lanky body.
He approached me shyly.
"Hi," I replied, my lips tugging into a dimpled smile.
That's all it took for me to feel "in love" again.
We were hooked on each other within moments.
He took me home, a real home. I was safe again.
But it wasn't the same. After a few months of constant worrying and nights of sobbing, I pushed him away.
"You're all I want," he'd cry.
I didn't believe it.
I needed myself. I didn't want anyone.
The End of may soon arrived and so did you.
My home.
I wasn't too sure about getting involved, but I needed to see if the third time would be our charm.
We tried again.
It wasn't the same.
I couldn't trust.
You hated yourself for it
and I hated myself for it.
I longed for you so much that I was beyond control of my actions.
I said crazy things and I dreamed crazy dreams.
I cried myself to a river each night for a week.
And so that's when I denied myself another storm and denied you a home.

I used to want someone to hold hands with,
Someone to be with,
Someone to hold
when it's cold,
Someone I can tell my darkest secrets to
And I could keep their secrets too.

But now I've grown afraid.
Is it really as amazing as what they said?
What about the pouring tears, the heartbreaks?
The time it takes
to move on when it doesn't work out?
The arguments and stinging insults you shout?

Perhaps it's better
for me to save myself. Here's a letter
that I would read many times
before I'd even think of committing crimes;
of falling for someone.
I'd rather be with no one.

-m.b