I'm surfing, along the coastline.
The waves pulling me in, my strength pushing me out.
Music in one ear, shouting in the other.
I breathe, a breath of salty air. It settles in my lungs and I choke.
Sometimes the salt can clear the alveoli and make it easier to breathe,
But not today.
Today the air is heavy. Clouds pour down single droplets but when altogether, it is a storm. The wind howls, burning my ears. Whispering that it's all too much.
I crave a fall into the ocean, pulled out to sea. It's become too much and I'm drowning.
But I'm not drowning. I float. I float with tears mixing into the salty water. I can feel the undercurrent begging me to come down to it so it can pin me down to the sea bed where I can hold my last breath and breath again.
But it's not breathing it's drowning and the thought makes me thrash around and I panic.
So instead, I panic on top of the water, thrashing and jerking around desperately trying not to drown.
The skies will become clear again. The stormy skies will reveal the blue which is always there. The stars are still shining underneath the despairing clouds. They are always there, just hidden at times.
All I have to do is breathe with the waves and stay afloat till the storm goes away.
over the past few years, I have experienced so many things as a nursing student working in a rest home and now the hospital. There's days, weeks, months where I struggle. The emotional overload of having to see the worst positions people are in. Sometimes it's hard to find hope again in these times. Especially when surrounded by death and despair and dying. It's not going to get easier but that's why I become more resilient. But it's also important to take moments when things are too tough to just sit with the feelings. Otherwise I will drown.
